PLAYGIRL, Inc.
Philadelphia, Pa. 19369
Dear Sir:
Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to
inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On
a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the
age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman
ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call
us.
Sympathetically,
Amanda L. Smith
p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you
wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
%
MOUNTIES:
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, He's a lumberjack and he's OK,
I sleep all night and I work all day. He sleeps all night and he works
all day.
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
I go to the lavatory. He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesday I go shopping, On Wednesday he goes shopping,
And have buttered scones for tea. And has buttered scones for tea.
I cut down trees, I skip and jump, He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
I like to press wild flowers, He likes to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing, He puts on women's clothing,
And hang around in bars. And hangs around in bars.
I cut down trees, I wear high heels, He cuts down trees, he wears high heels,
Suspenders and a bra. Suspenders? and a bra?
I wish I'd been a girlie, That's rude...
Just like my dear Pappa.
%
FROM THE DESK OF
Snow White
Dear Snow White:
Thanks for last night.
Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Bashful
%
LEPROSY
Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me.
I'm not half the man I used to be.
Oh, how did I get leprosy?
Syphilis, it all started with a simple kiss.
Now it even hurts to take a piss.
Oh why did I get syphilis?
Why'd she have VD? I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ....
-- To the tune of "Yesterday"
%
THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF
An amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the Flat Earth
Society, The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all
who do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs.
In addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the following
beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as correct Church dogma:
--That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from
which UFOs come.
--That pi equals precisely 3.000.
--That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully
squared the circle.
--That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being studied,
including Reaganomics and that the moon landings were done in a Hollywood
special effects studio. These will be the subject of some forthcoming Papal
Bull.
%
The Snack
Oh my God, screamed Mommy, You went and ate the Baby.
What baby? asked Daddy. You know that's just the last of the leftover donkey.
Donkey, my ass! said Mommy with some sentience. Do you think I don't
recognize my own baby? Why I can still see his little privates
caught in the gap between your front teeth. How many times have
I told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer?
But there wasn't a thing to eat, cried Daddy.
And am I not the master of my own?
Nothing to eat?
What about the elephant testicles in aspic that I put up for you
just last week in the ball jar? Our very first baby, too, wailed
Mommy, that I was saving for Christmas dinner.
Testicles, testicles, said Daddy. A man gets tired of testicles.
-- L.L. Zeiger
%
... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even
worse is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the
1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts would
have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect
was no more explicit than many publications we think nothing of today, such
as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue.
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%
A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks
over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?"
"No."
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
%
A business executive is consumed by jealousy: he suspects his wife
of cheating on him. The suspicion grows and grows, and one morning as he
drives to work he can't take it any more. He thinks to himself, "she
probably just waited until I left so she could meet with her lover."
When he gets to his office, he calls home. The maid answers. He
says, "Hello. Is my wife there?"
"Yes, sir", the maid whispers.
"Is she with her lover?"
The maid pauses, and then says, "Yes, sir, she is, and I must say
that I feel terrible about how she treats you."
The man yells, "That no good **#*&!!. If you feel as badly as you
say you do, you must do this for me: go to my dresser and get my gun. Check
to make sure that it's loaded. Then go upstairs and shoot both that cheating
two-timing whore and her lover. Dispose of the gun, and then come back to
the phone and tell me that it's over. Don't worry -- I'll protect you."
The man hears footsteps, a drawer being opened, a click, more footsteps,
silence... and then two shots. More footsteps. Finally the maid comes back
to the phone and says "It's done."
The man asks, "What did you do with the gun?"
"I threw it behind the statue in the garden", the maid replies.
"Statue in the garden? Say, what number is this, anyway?"
%
A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians.
This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use
them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the
following sunrise. That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that
he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate
the following morning. The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to
see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time. When the dog is brought by the
Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear.
At once the dog runs off over the hill. Amazingly enough, a few hours later,
he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town.
Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy
his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night. When the dog is
brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends
down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it
right this time -- go into town and get the posse!"
%
A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and
the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if,
the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
in the mud.
Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check
today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
"What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?"
"Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in
the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
%
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do
all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father
answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
an explanation.
Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney. But how do
you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?"
%
A great American Olympic wrestler was receiving last-minute advice
from his coach about the upcoming match with the Soviet Champion.
"This Russian guy is really good, very strong and quick. But I think
you can take him. Remember, though, like I've told you before, don't let
him get you in the Pretzel hold. With his strength you'd never get out."
The American leaps onto the mat, and within moments the two behemoths
are going crazy, struggling to get each other pinned. The American slowly
gains ground and appears that he might actually win on points alone, when, in
the blink of an eye, the Russian reverses him and whips him into the fatal
Pretzel hold.
The coach, off by the side, shakes his head in dismay, and sits down
on the bench with his head between his hands. All of a sudden, there's a
scream and the two wrestlers fly apart, the American regaining control and
pinning the Russian. After the match, in the dressing room, the coach
finally gets the winner alone. "Great job! But how the hell did you get out
of the Pretzel Hold? I thought it was over for sure!"
"Well, I did too. I was in the hold, about to be pinned, when I saw
this huge pair of testicles hanging right in front of my eyes. I figured
what the hell, so I stretched forward and bit them as hard as I could. Coach,
you just don't know your own strength 'til you've bitten your own balls!"
%
A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They
were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the
charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two
men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could
only blurt out, "What happened?"
"I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I
grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left
hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
%
A guy finishes his 9 to 5, but, instead of going straight home, stops
in at a local bar for a drink. He gets his beer, turns around to sit down,
and finds himself face to face with a ravishing blonde. The two strike up a
conversation, and really hit it off. After a couple drinks they leave the bar
go back to her pad, to peruse her etchings. Which doesn't take long -- by
seven they were happily engaged in intimate scratching.
'Round about midnight the guy rolled over in bed and spotted the clock:
"Midnight! Already! I gotta get home! Honey, you have any baby powder?"
He jumps out of bed and starts pulling his pants on, trying to find his shoes.
"Baby powder?" she asks. But she comes back from the bathroom and
hands him the powder. He frantically shakes it all over his hands, kisses her
goodbye, and runs out the front door.
He gets home, and sure enough, there's his wife, waiting in the
doorway.
"Okay," she mutters, "let's have it."
"Well," he says sheepishly, looking down at his feet. "Okay. I went
to a bar after work and met a gorgeous blonde and we really hit it off. We
had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..."
"Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands... Don't you lie to me!
You've been bowling again!"
%
A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
brother and inquires after his pet.
"Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
"Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
"Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
How's Mom?"
His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
outside one day..."
%
A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."
A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
"Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
dog's stuck in its throat."
%
A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled,
"Hi, honey, I'm home."
There was no response. He walked through the house and saw a note
on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about
8. Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when
I get home."
Well, he decided to wait until his wife returned. However, his
stomach started to growl and he remembered that he had an apple left over
from his lunch. He got the apple, polished it a little, and heard the
doorbell ring. He went to the door and there stood a little blond haired
girl holding out a little paper bag. "Trick or treat", she said.
He looked at the girl, looked at the apple, thought how hungry he
was, looked at the girl again, and with a slight sigh dropped his apple in
the bag. The little girl looked down in the bag, looked up again, and
complained, "You stupid son-of-a-bitch. You broke my cookies!"
%
A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven. His guide is pointing
out the various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?"
"Oh, you don't want to look down there. That's hell!"
The man creeps up to the edge and looks over. He sees lush, green
valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere. "This doesn't look so bad,"
he says.
Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down. "Damn!" he snaps,
"Those Mormons have been irrigating again!"
%
A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at
Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress
who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss
something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
"But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
%
A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers. The
bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is.
"I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies.
About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and
6 chasers. So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?"
To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers
are lovers."
Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders
NINE shots and NINE beers. The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone
in your family like pussy?"
"Yeah. Me and my sister."
%
A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old
Scotch". The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches
down under the bar and pours him a shot of bar Scotch. The man takes one sip
and says: "Hey, bartender, I asked you for some twelve-year-old Scotch -- this
is eight-year-old Scotch."
The bartender reaches behind the bar for the twelve-year-old Scotch,
pours a shot, hands it to the man and says "I've got to hand it to you --
most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even
had it -- they're just being pricks. But you really know your Scotch -- this
is on the house."
A drunk has been sitting at the other end of the bar watching this
conversation. He walks up to the man, hands him a glass and says "Taste this."
The man does -- and spits it out yelling, "This tastes like piss!" To which
the drunk replies, "It is -- but how old am I?"
%
A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks
up to the bar and sits down, ordering a beer for himself and one for the
little Leprechaun.
After a few beers, the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder,
struts down the bar and comes to a stop in front of a rather large construction
worker. Looking the guy right in the eye, he gives him a rather large, damp,
Bronx cheer. And trots back to sit on his buddy's shoulder. The worker is
pretty upset, but decides to shine on this rather offensive breach of manners.
After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and
walks over to his previous victim and goes "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT" again.
Well, that's too much, and the victim knocks the Leprechaun off the bar and,
after walking over to stand very close to the Leprechaun's escort, tells him
in a rather overloud voice, that if it happens again, he's going to "cut off
his little dick!"
Replies the escort, "Leprechauns don't have dicks."
"Yeah? Well, then," asks the big man, how does he take a piss?"
"PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT!!!!"
%
A man was just settling down into his seat for a cross-country
flight when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him, wearing a
large button with the letters "NAA" on it.
"What's that?" he asked, pointing to her button.
"Nymphomaniacs Association of America" she replied.
After a moments thought he said, "Well, if you wouldn't mind my
asking, but I've always wanted to know, who are the best, ummm, `endowed'
men?"
"Well, it's not what you think. Native Americans. They're better
hung than *anybody*."
"And is it true that the French are the best lovers?"
"No, Jewish men. Once you finally get them going they can last
all night. By the way, my name is Sue. What's yours?"
"Running Bear Sheldon."
%
A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA.
He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some
gas. When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights
were off. Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside. He wasn't sure
what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry,
"Help... help... help". He got out of his car, and sure enough there was
a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his
ankles. He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?"
"These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my
clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!"
"Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants. "This just
hasn't been your day, has it?"
%
A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this
particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the
man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very
fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants,
felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under
the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as
quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said,
"I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd
like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
%
A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and,
while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife
was the better cook. One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the
Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family.
The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew
that he had ever eaten.
"Damn! That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host. "What
kind of meat is it?"
"Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican.
"Rabbit?" replied the Texan. "There aren't any rabbits around here."
"Si, my freend, the rabbeets make the beeg noise, and I shoot theem."
"Rabbits don't make any noise..."
"Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!"
%
A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother
asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange
symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced,
"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
The mother gasped. "That's nonsense!" she said. "Why, my little
girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..." She
turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"
"Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as
kissed a man!"
The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then,
silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued
staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something
wrong out there?"
"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything
like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if
another one was going to show up."
%
A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what
I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
%
A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a
car to take a look at the outback. "We know it's rough country, but it's safe
and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager.
Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off.
Later that day, they returned, upset and angry. "You said it was
decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't
driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!"
"And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged
aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved
at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!"
"Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger
like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?"
%
A secretary entered her boss's office with the announcement: "I have
some good news and some bad news."
He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally -- just the good news."
She replied, "You're not sterile."
%
A sociologist, a psychologist, and a engineer were discussing the
consequences and implications of a married man's having a mistress. The
sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable
for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly
and lustful pursuits.
The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible,
if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being,
then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he
is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.
The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary,
a married man is entitled to a mistress. However, I do not see why the
affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the affair
is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he
is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with
his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!"
%
A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking
for a job. He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his
qualifications. The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the
white man and said: "You leave! No job!"
The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but
that of tribe Medicine-Man. He would convince him if the Chief would allow
him to demonstrate his magic. "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief.
"Oh, yeah?", said the stranger. "I'll prove it to you by making
your dog, here, talk!"
"Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he
heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me
good. He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!"
"If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger,
"the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!"
"Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he
heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse. He takes me up to
the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty."
The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his
final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk.
"NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!"
%
A ten-year-old kid came home from school one day, and when his mom
asked how was school he says: "Gee, great, mom. I got laid!"
She's shocked and sends him upstairs, where his dad finds him after
work. "Mommy told me about your day at school, Billy, and I think we men
should keep it a secret. Women just don't understand these things."
So every night Dad goes up to Billy's room after Mom tucks him in:
"You get laid today, Billy?"
"Yeah, Dad."
"How was it?"
"Real neat, Dad, I liked it a lot."
"Good Boy!".
A month later: "You get laid today?"
"No, Dad."
"No? How come?"
"Gee, Dad, my ass is getting really sore."
%
A white man was traveling with Indian (American) out West. The
Indian stops, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Buffalo come."
The white man looks around in all directions, sees nothing for
miles and asks the Indian how the hell he knows that.
Replies the Indian, "Ear wet."
-- Lily Tomlin, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
Life in the Universe"
%
A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were
to die, would you remarry?"
After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
"Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."
"Well, would you live in this house?"
"Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
I've always loved it here."
"Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"She's left handed."
%
A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park.
They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate
love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned
to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time."
She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off
my pantyhose."
%
A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob,
whereupon his father solemnly replied, "When I was young we used to
settle for a kiss."
The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?"
%
After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
"No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
name for my baby."
"But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
"That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
name."
%
All he did was take the ball and run every time they called his
number -- which came to be more and more often, and in the Super Bowl Thomas
was the whole show. But the season is now over; the purse is safe in the
vault; and Duane Thomas is facing two to twenty for possession. Nobody really
expects him to serve time, but nobody seems to think he'll be playing for
Dallas next year either, and a few sporting people who claim to know how the
NFL works say he won't be playing for ANYBODY next year; that the Commissioner
is outraged at this mockery of all those Government-sponsored "Beware of Dope"
TV shots that dressed up the screen last autumn.
We all enjoyed those spots, but not everyone found them convincing.
Here was a White House directive saying several million dollars would be spent
to drill dozens of Name Players to stare at the camera and try to stop grinding
their teeth long enough to say they hate drugs of any kind... and then the best
running back in the world turns out to be a goddamn uncontrollable drugsucker.
But not for long. There is not much room for freaks in the National
Football League. Joe Namath was saved by the simple blind luck of getting
drafted by a team in New York City, a place where social outlaws are not
always viewed as criminals. But Namath would have had a very different trip
if he'd been drafted by the St. Louis Cardinals.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
%
An Aggie was appointed ambassador to Japan. Two weeks before
officially reporting to the embassy, he went from geisha house to geisha
house. While making love to a geisha girl, he heard her repeat, "Yaki-san,
yaki-san."
Right away the Aggie thought to himself, "I've learned my first
Japanese word. It must be an expression of joy."
When he reported to the embassy, he received his first assignment,
which was to escort the prime minister of Japan around the golf course.
After having played a couple of holes, the prime minister teed-off and made
a hole-in-one. The prime minister jumped up and down shouting, "Bonsai!
Bonsai!"
Quickly, thinking that this was the perfect chance to show off the
new Japanese word that he'd learned, the Aggie exclaimed, "Yaki-san,
yaki-san!"
The prime minister turned to the Aggie in surprise and exclaimed,
"What do you mean, wrong hole?"
%
An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial
city and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish
arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained. "These, senor," explained
the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the
testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today.
The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious.
Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. When it was
served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are
much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
"True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose."
%
An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She
picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie
tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
voluptuous woman.
After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are
stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
"Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
handsome prince!"
And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
fixed?"
%
An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a
man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names please?"
said the soldier.
"My name is Mary," said the woman.
"And mine is Joseph," said the man.
"Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you
going?"
"To Bethlehem."
"Your reason for going there?"
"To pay our taxes to the government."
"Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?"
"Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto
Ricans?"
%
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,
"I have a dead pussy."
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
"Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
%
And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
very selfhood revealed."
And Jesus replied, "What?"
%
"Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
posh hotel.
"No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
"Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
"Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me
a postcard?"
%
Are you a Young Urban Professional Woman? If so, you know how
Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only
an occasional weekend for sex. Your one "hot date" with Joe Fastrack,
rising corporate star, ended in disaster. Yesterday you heard him telling
a friend over lunch, "The woman must masturbate with popsicles!" Well,
all is not lost! SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just
15 minutes a day!
SofSqueeze is a pressure sensitive device (divided into appropriate
sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers. Through
the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal
muscles. With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the
"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistible", the "California Crusher", and,
of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm". Or,
using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own!
SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely
immersible for easy cleaning. SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely
textured for a realistic effect. Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and
limited graphics capability. Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries.
%
Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that
his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young
executive appeared at a local health resort. Looking over the several weight
loss plans offered, he selected one guaranteed to reduce his weight by two
pounds per day. After a light breakfast, and a almost non-existent lunch, he
was escorted to a large room, where a young, attractive woman told him that
"if he caught her, he could have her". After an hour of hard running, he
finally gave up; and weighing himself, was comforted to realize that he had
lost just under three pounds. Returning the next week, he chose the plan that
was to reduce his weight by four pounds per session. After following the same
regimen, he was again escorted to a large room, but after two hours of running,
he caught the young woman. Weight loss, just over four pounds. Returning the
following week, he chose to lose eight pounds in a single day. He was shown
to the largest room he'd seen, by far, where he was confronted by a extremely
muscular, burly man, who looked him square in the eye, flung his towel into
a corner, and snarled, "You know the rules. Start running!"
%
Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
Indians. After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to
the number of feathers in the headdresses. She asked a brave who had only
one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me
have only one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow
was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied,
"Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws."
Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of
squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a
headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.
Ms. W: "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"
Chief: "Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall,
me fuck-em all."
Ms. W: "You ought to be hung!"
Chief: "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake."
Ms. W: "You don't have to be so hostile!"
Chief: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all."
Ms. W: "Oh, dear!"
Chief: "No deer, me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run
too fast."
%
Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife,
Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and
subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this
sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste
treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you."
Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's
blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.
Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to
see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
"What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
"My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
%
Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best
friend asked him how it went.
"The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second
night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six
times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the
last night, nothing!"
"Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?"
"Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
%
But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose
skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, and of the fatted
calf they were sucking hind teat...
Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they
called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to
the front of the bus."
But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
unto a snowball in Hell."
-- "The Begatting of a President"
%
But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that
cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin
to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The
latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing
with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole
bunch of knuckles.
-- Harlan Ellison
%
"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with
your penis?"
"Uh, not right now."
"Tsk, tsk. A girl has to have *some* standards."
-- Real Genius
%
Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one
particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock,
a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition,
said, "Winston, you're drunk." Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew
himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up
your ass, you ugly cunt."
When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to
the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if
you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and
your play can go fuck yourselves."
At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table
to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee." "And
if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's
unhesitating retort.
-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
%
"Daddy?"
"Yes son."
"Wha-wha-wha-what does regret mean?"
"Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret
something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done. And by
the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell her,
`SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'"
-- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf"
%
Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High
Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049
Sept 28 Blind Academy
Sept 30 World War I Veterans
Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041
Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir
Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic
Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
%
"Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
%
"Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you.
We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?"
"But this is different," protested her husband.
"Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden.
Now tell me what our problem is."
"Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a
bastard child."
%
"Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
married?"
He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so.
I've always been especially fond of married women."
%
Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted
to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper. In the ad she made it
quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already
had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she
now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly. Phone calls started coming
in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck
the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door
she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in
response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my
ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert,
and you... uh... don't have all the..."
"Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
%
"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
sincerely, extremely dangerously.
They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used
intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks.
They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They
used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the
bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery.
They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics.
They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
%
During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
hit my wife."
"Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot
at mine, over there."
%
During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her
husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor,
she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!"
%
Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a
blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that,
while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved
to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a
pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father."
He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh,
stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father."
But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no
protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she
tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked.
Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the
tug at his sleeve. "Again?"
And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted
by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her
and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father."
%
Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller
and stuck out his hand. "Son," he said. "Tell the truth. It ain't better
than fried chicken, is it?"
Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said:
"I got to be dead honest, Roy."
And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him.
Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she
ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a person who
can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the
finest I've ever had."
-- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough"
%
Ever thought of putting a ferret down your pants? Yes, ferrets,
those weasel-like animals originally trained to hunt rats and possessing
needle sharp claws and razor sharp teeth. The English do it for sport.
Ferret Legging involves the tying of a competitors's trousers at
the ankles and then dropping into the trousers a couple of vicious ferrets.
No jockstraps or underwear allowed -- nothing but the bodies' own. The
ferrets must be young and in good condition. Neither the ferret or the
contestant may be drugged or drunk -- cold eyed sober only. The trousers
should be loose fitting, to allow the ferret to scramble from one leg to
the other, and are traditionally white, so that the blood shows better.
Normal contestants are able to keep them down for up to 40 seconds.
The champion ferret legger, Reg Mellor, of Yorkshire, holds the world record
of 5 hours and 26 minutes. Mr. Mellor's claims that being the champion is
not so much heroism but, "You just got to be able to have your tool bitten
and not care."
%
Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see
a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a
baseball. Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and
ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?"
The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach,
which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed. The genie said, "I now give
you one wish. Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?"
%
Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman,
obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance
floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiousity got the best of the cigarette
girl. "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman
of your age living it up like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties
unimpaired?"
The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not
all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a
girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place
about two A.M. We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon
as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl."
"Why, George," she said in surprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
"So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to
fail me."
%
Farmer Johnson was drunk again.
"You know, Anna," he said to his long-suffering wife, "if you could
only lay eggs we could get rid of all those damn chickens."
Anna said nothing. Farmer Johnson tried again. "You know, Anna, if
only you could give milk we could get rid of that expensive herd of cows."
Anna looked at him coolly. "You know, Jack," she said, "if only you
could get it up once in a while we could get rid of your brother Bob."
%
"First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight,"
said the guy aggressively.
"Oh, no, you're not," said the girl.
"Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in
town."
"Oh, no, you won't."
"Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris."
"Oh, no, you won't."
"Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you."
"Oh, no, you're not."
"And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy.
"Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl.
%
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an
affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting
few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped
short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition,
we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and finally decided it would be
better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
%
Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular
evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four
fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded
in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second
professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others
nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your
thoughts?"
Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
%
Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
and sarcastic?"
"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
%
"Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
%
God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter
what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly pleasurable,
wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent merriment.
Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and
lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one.
-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
%
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
differences once and for all.
When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
%
Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
"I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
"Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised
you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off
right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on
the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for
the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
%
Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
the gun on himself!"
"Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse."
"How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly
have been worse?"
"Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
dead right now."
%
Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his
proposal of marriage as he was pretty sensitive about his artificial leg
and afraid that no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself
to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger,
nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.
All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which
she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
The wedding came and went, and the young couple were at last alone
in their honeymoon suite. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big
surprise," smiled the bride.
Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his
leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.
"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the
Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"
%
"Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
"Thanks. Got it upstairs already."
"Do it alone?"
"Nope. Hitched the cat to it."
"How would that help?"
"Used a whip."
%
"Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
"Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?"
"Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat."
"Four hours to bury a cat!?"
"Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..."
"Oh, it's not dead then."
"Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're
goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be
on the safe side."
"Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento
to a dead cat, do you?"
-- Monty Python
%
"Hello, Police Department."
"This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually
molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!"
"Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it."
"Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping
on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything.
Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He
held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I
couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty
pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an
erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my
throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man.
Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on
my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to
say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't
know how thick... into my... Just a minute."
"What's the matter, mister?"
"Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower."
%
Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled
with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John
Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't
define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the
court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't
it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when
his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
it because the court was going to take a nap.
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%
"How'd you get that flat?"
"Ran over a bottle."
"Didn't you see it?"
"Damn kid had it under his coat."
%
"I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
"Who was that?" his young wife asked.
"Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
%
"I know a life of crime led me to this sorry state. I blame
society. Society made me what I am today!"
"That's bullshit Archie. You're just a young suburban punk
like me."
"It still... hurts... auugghh!"
"You're going to be okay..."
"...gurgle..."
"... maybe not."
-- Repo Man
%
"I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks,"
the American said to an Algerian camel merchant. "Is it possible?"
"All things are possible," replied the merchant. He proceeded to
take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water. After the
camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank,
the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind
the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks.
The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed
like twenty more gallons of water.
The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant. "My God,
man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!"
The merchant shrugged. "Only if you get your thumbs in between the
bricks."
%
"I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight.
"Oh, how can you tell?"
"Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't
hear the stereo."
%
I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
"What'll you have, Bud"?
I said," I don't know, surprise me".
So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
"I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
I'm on my way."
"Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
%
In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
mud."
And there was mud.
And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
can see what we have done."
And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
man. Mud-as-man alone could speak.
"What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
"Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
"Certainly," said man.
"Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
And He went away.
-- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu"
%
In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference
today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have
a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together
in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned
around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all
those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!"
There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's
citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to
these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
than a citizen bless their country?"
%
It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and
they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed.
One of them said, "Wow! What tits! Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with
them for awhile. What are you doing this afternoon?"
Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful
thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the
Corps. "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well
brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt."
%
It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year. I was driving
in downtown Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented
Stingray, and it was overheating. So I pulled into a Shell station. They
said I'd blown a seal. I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private
life out of it, okay, pal?" While they were doing that, I walked over to the
Oyster Bar. A real dive. But I knew the owner. He used to play for the
Dolphins. I said "Hi, Gil!" You have to yell -- he's hard of herring.
-- Kip Addotta, "Wet Dream"
%
It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the
American were talking about love over some dry Martinis. "Deed you know,
sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different
ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?"
"Do tell?" said the American. "Well, that's amazing. In this
country there's only one."
"Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly. "And what eez
that?"
"Well, there's a man and a woman, and --"
"Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman. "Numbair 80!"
%
"Jean, what is this attraction between Catholic girls and
Jewish men?"
"You really want to know?"
"Yeah."
"Well, Carol, Jewish men are great in bed... right, Bob? And
Catholic girls fuck like bunnies."
%
Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit
the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly
begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
the hotel, out of breathe from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't
mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one
can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on
the dining room skylight."
%
Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, just don't
seem survival oriented. For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating
with, well, her mate, will devour him. For the male praying mantis, however,
it's a catch-22. If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate
again. If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce, ending his family tree. This
suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many
life forms are periodically subject to its wrath. How did the preying mantis
become stuck in such a awful, vicious cycle? This is probably what happened:
The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After
some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphragm) they mate.
The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the
male raids the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until
the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the
male establishes a new pattern of behavior: Football on Mondays, baseball on
Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, uh, well, uh, working-late-at-the-office
on Thursdays, etc. etc. The female tolerates this for awhile, then files for
a divorce. After a long court battle, she concludes one thing: It simplifies
matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him.
Well, through the centuries of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome
has been carried up to the highest life forms, as well as to humans. That is
why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled
to bite the head off of the male. The Syndrome is inescapable, but when it
occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while.
%
Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the
mirror, admiring her breasts.
"And what do you think you're doing?" he asked.
"I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a
twenty-five-year-old."
"Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old
ass?"
"Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all."
%
Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile.
Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day,
without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In
an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to
prison.
They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports
in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get
them to name their contacts in the liberation movement... Finally they're
hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced
to death.
The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll
be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have
any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in
Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to
Murray.
"This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
spits in the sergeants face.
"Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
-- Arthur Naiman
%
"My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a
barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!"
"Not in California."
%
"My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
a girl should not do before twenty."
"Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
audience, either."
%
Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many
cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment.
Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are
repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
in the others.
While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took
it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture.
Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had
therapy ask if people have had therapy.
Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
Assume that she bought them at a flea market.
-- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
%
Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the
people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many
times a job applicant has had the clap.
Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written
by a professional liar?
If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question:
did the applicant go to TCU?
If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she
have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall?
-- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
%
On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
saying."
The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back
to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
singing."
"Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?"
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
%
Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of
bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the
court had the mightiest "weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed
that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5
pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the
women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band
played appropriate music.
Another knight stood up and claimed that he had the mightiest weapon.
He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth
rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved
multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.
After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the
King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped
his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound,
but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffee pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.
The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored
banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."
%
One day a mother and daughter are walking around a farming community
and they see a stallion mounting a mare. The daughter takes in the scene and
turns to her mother. "Mommy, what are those two horses doing?"
Her mother hastily answered, "The horse on top hurt its hoof, and the
one on the bottom is carrying him back to the stable."
The daughter shook her head and sadly replied, "Isn't that just the
way it goes? Try to help someone and you get fucked."
%
One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to
seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli-Amp
and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone
bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the
flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's characteristic curves,
soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum. He laid
her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance.
He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket,
connecting them in parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt.
Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled: "OHM-OHM-OHM."
With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with
his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly
discharged and drained of every electron. They Fluxed all night trying
various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost
all of its field strength.
Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her
solenoids. With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to
excite his field, so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing
each others fuses.
-- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron"
%
One of my favorite zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while
visiting the zoo, decided to have a little fun with the Gorilla. She walks
up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast. Needless to
say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in
kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...!
The gorilla becomes enraged. He rips the bars from his cage, grabs
the woman, drags her back into the cage, and ravishes her. While doing so,
he inflicts a great deal of harm upon her person.
Later, at the hospital, a neighbor of the woman visits and exclaims,
"Oh, you poor dear...! Are you hurt?"
"Hurt!", "Hurt!?" the injured lady sobs, "He doesn't phone. He
never writes..."
%
One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY. So he took his Miss
HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he
there began to feel her MOUNDS. And that was an ALMOND JOY which definitely
made his TOOTSIE ROLL.
He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT
which of course caused the MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she
squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better than the 3
MUSKETEERS."
-- John Volby (Dr. Dirty), "The Candy Bar Poem"
%
One spring evening, after a hard rain, grandpa and grandson were
sitting out on the porch, talking. Grandpa spied a worm crawling up out
of its hole and said to his grandson, "Sonny, if you can get that there
worm back down its hole, I'll give you five dollars."
"Sure!", says sonny, and runs in the house. Out he runs an
instant later with a can of hairspray, grabs the worm, and sprays it with
the hairspray as it dangles earthward. He then slips the stiff worm back
into its hole and turns to his grandpa with a huge smile on his face.
"Well, I'll be. That was pretty smart there, boy.", he says.
"Here's your fiver.", he adds as he fishes out a bill. By then it's almost
dark, and they say their goodnights and part.
The next day sonny's playing out on the porch, and grandpa comes
out of the house and gives him a five. "But you gave me my five yesterday,
grandpa.", he remarks.
"Yep, I know. This is from your Grandma."
%
"Our school, madame, postulates, first of all, that since the
science of mathematics is an abstract science, it is best inculcated by
some concrete example."
Said the Queen, "But that sounds rather complicated."
"It occasionally leads to complications," Jurgen admitted, "through
a choice of the wrong example. But the axiom is no less true."
"Come, then, and sit next to me on this couch if you can find it in
the dark; and do you explain to me what you mean."
"Why, madame, by a concrete example I mean one that is perceptible
to any of the senses -- as to sight or hearing, or touch --"
"Oh, oh!" said the Queen, "now I perceive what you mean by a concrete
example. And grasping this, I can understand that complications must of
course arise from a choice of the wrong example."
-- James Branch Cabell, "Jurgen"
%
Out on the great American desert one day, a bald eagle reached a
state of great libidal distress. Pickings were slim, but in time, he saw a
dove flying by. "Better than nothin'", he muttered (birds in jokes can mutter)
and swooped down, grabbed the dove and flew to his nest. Feathers flew, and
eventually the dove tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted (yes, they
shout, too):
"I'm a dove! I've been loved! And I LIKE it!"
Well, this took care of the old boy for a while but soon enough he
was at it again. All he could find was a lark, so away he went, and feathers
flew and soon the lark tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted:
"I'm a lark! I've been sparked! And I LIKE it!"
As you can guess, some time later our friend was again in need of
amor... lib... you know! This time, all that happened by was... a duck!
So down he swooped, and feathers flew, and the next thing seen is the duck
tottering to the cliffside and shouting:
"I'M A DRAKE! THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE! AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!!
%
People who claim to know jackrabbits will tell you they are primarily
motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness. But I have spent enough time in
jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are
bored with their daily routines: eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now and
then... No wonder some of them drift over the line into cheap thrills once in
a while; there has to be a powerful adrenaline rush in crouching by the side of
a road, waiting for the next set of headlights to come along, then streaking
out of the bushes with split-second timing and making it across to the other
side just inches in front of the speeding front wheels.
Why not? Anything that gets the adrenaline moving like a 440 volt
blast in a copper bathtub is good for the reflexes and keeps the veins free
of cholesterol ... but too many adrenaline rushes in any given time-span has
the same bad effect on the nervous system as too many electro-shock treatments
are said to have on the brain: after a while you start burning out the
circuits.
When a jackrabbit gets addicted to road running, it is only a matter
of time before he gets smashed -- and when a journalist turns into a politics
junkie he will sooner or later start raving and babbling in print about things
that only a person who has Been There can possibly understand.
-- Hunter Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"
%
People who write position papers often find themselves in an
enviable position. They are hired to write papers for both sides of the
position.
A good position paper will have many words in it like
"superincumbence," "egress," and "plurification."
You will not often find the phrase "lightweight dropcase
limp-wristed motherfucker" in a serious position paper.
Charts and multiplication tables should always be included in
position papers. They should look complicated enough to make Albert
Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol.
A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a
semicolon.
-- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
%
Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old
has been waiting for him. Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable
Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?"
The girl, and she's not so little, tells him. Well, Santa is
definitely flapped by this, but he manages to come out with, "Ho ho ho,
gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
The girl, not to be daunted, takes off her robe. "Aw, please stay
Santa," she begs.
He replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys,
you know."
She then takes off her pajama top, her firm pouting breasts pointing
at Santa like an accusation. "Aw, please stay Santa," she pleads.
"Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
Finally, she takes off her pajama bottoms, revealing to Santa her
warm mound of delight. "Aw, please stay, Santa," she begs.
Being only mortal, Santa finally gives in, sighing, "Hey hey hey,
gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way."
%
Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde
stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If
this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she
doesn't deserve to have any."
James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother")
failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to
remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a
major general."
(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed,
complained, "Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a
while and then added, "And he didn't understand me."
Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening
sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing
more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand
on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning
out of the car. "Run for your life!"
Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the
Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular
story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was
roused by his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the
house."
"No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
maybe, but not in the House."
%
Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the
still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence.
Deciding on a direct confrontation, he quickly undressed, pointed at his
exposed manhood and asked his mate, "Do you know what this is?"
Without hesitation, she blushingly answered, "That's a wee-wee."
Delighted at the idea of instructing his naive wife in the ways of
love, the husband whispered, "From now on, dearest, this will be called a
prick."
"Oh, come now," the girl chided. "I've seen lots of pricks and I
assure you, that's a wee-wee."
%
Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a
certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his
own. Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I
care for neither your politics nor your moustache." Unabashed, the young
statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, the wryly commented, "Suck my
dick."
While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was
asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers.
"They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a
whimsical smile, "They're assholes."
Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at
the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of
Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the
upcoming conference in Yalta. At the appointed hour, the President was
wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister
had not finished bathing. Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion
and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room
stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are
you staring at, homo?"
-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
%
"Sir", said the beggar, "can you spare fifty dollars for a cup of
coffee?"
"Fifty dollars for a cup of coffee, one should be sufficient!",
answered the gentleman, rather shortly.
"I know", replied the beggar, "but coffee always makes me horny."
%
"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
"So?"
"So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
%
The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just
say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%
The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:
"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle
in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
"Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course,
but not much good in a fight."
%
The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to
his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God,
please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he
sees nothing but goyim..."
"Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think
you got problems. What about my son?"
%
The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
"is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
from women."
"Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's
second best?"
%
The famous Nell Gwynn, stepping one day from a house where she had
made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her
footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the
reason for his being in that condition, answered, "I have been fighting,
madam, with an impudent rascal who called your ladyship a whore."
"You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gywnn, "at this rate you must fight
every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it."
"Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut
the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that."
-- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
%
The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!".
"What happened?"
"Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
-- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!"
%
The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his
wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's
horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
"That's two," he said.
Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was
off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
shot the horse between the eyes.
"You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I
married! You're a sadist, that's what!"
The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said.
%
The man standing at the bar (in court, unfortunately) was well-
dressed, alert and obviously intelligent. The judge asked him how he
pleaded to the charge of rape and, much to the magistrate's surprise, he
replied, "Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honor."
"Insanity?" exclaimed the judge.
"Yes, sir," said the defendant. "I'm just crazy about it."
%
The new patron was amazed by the cleanliness of the restaurant. A
waiter approached the table. "Good afternoon, sir. What may I serve you?"
"I'll have the steak dinner," the man answered.
As the waiter headed for the kitchen, the diner noticed that he
wore a spotless white apron and clean white gloves. Soon the waiter
returned, bearing a casserole dish on a cart which he uncovered to reveal
two tempting filet mignons. From a covered pocket in his apron he produced
a small pair of shining silver tongs and with them he transferred the meat
from the steaming casserole to the diner's plate. "We never touch anything
with our hands," he explained.
The waiter continued serving. "Confidentially," he said, "we even
have a special set of rules about visiting the lavatory. Do you see this
little piece of string attached to my apron?"
"Yes," the diner replied. "I noticed that all the aprons had one."
The waiter put a large browned potato on the plate with his tongs.
"Well," he began, "if I should have to go to the bathroom, that string
comes in very handily. I simply unzip my pants and take it out with that
piece of string. That way everything stays sanitary."
"But how do you put it back?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys," the waiter confided, "but
I use the tongs."
%
The old mailman is making his last rounds; he retires at the end of
the week. As he approaches the Jones' house, Mrs. Jones greets him warmly at
the door. "Please come in! We're very grateful for your years of service to
us and our neighborhood. I've prepared something special for you."
In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where
Mrs. Jones has prepared a sumptuous lunch. After dumping his letter satchel
on the couch, he and Mrs. Jones have a charming meal. As the mailman finished
his last glass of wine, thanking his hostess profusely, she stops him from
leaving and disappears upstairs. She returns in a moment, in a daring
negligee, and takes the astonished postman to the bedroom, where the elaborate
farewell is consummated between the sheets.
As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand,
pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him. Reacting to his astonished
look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that
we should do something for you. He said 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar!'"
She pauses and smiles proudly. "The lunch was MY idea."
%
The other day my girlfriend and I were going to a party and on the
way there, we got a flat tire. We got out of the car and I pumped, she
jacked I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked and then we changed the
tire. Eventually we arrived at the party and when we walked in, everyone was
jumping for joy. What a sight seeing her hanging nude from the chandelier!
Well the party was OK, I guess, we just sat around drinking sherry and eating
candy. Everybody else started feeling merry. Those have got to be the three
wildest girls I know.
%
The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the Victorian
period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a large wooden
frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' it. The tripoline,
as they called it, degenerated into becoming the apparatus for a spectator
sport.
The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
castrating pigs during Sunday service.
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
The radio was screaming: "Power to the People -- Right On!" John
Lennon's political song, ten years too late. "That poor fool should have
stayed where he was," said my attorney. "Punks like him only get in the
way when they try to be serious."
"Speaking of serious," I said. "I think it's about time to get
into the ether and the cocaine."
"Forget ether," he said. "Let's save it for soaking down the rug
in the suite. But here's this. Your half of the sunshine blotter. Just
chew it up like baseball gum."
I took the blotter and ate it. My attorney was now fumbling with
the salt shaker containing the cocaine. Opening it. Spilling it. Then
screaming and grabbing at the air, as our fine white dust blew up and out
across the desert highway. A very expensive little twister rising up from
the Great Red Shark. "Oh, Jesus!" he moaned. "Did you see what God just
did to us?"
-- Raoul Duke, "Rolling Stone", issue 95, Nov. 11, 1971
%
THE TEN STAGES OF INTOXICATION
1. WITTY AND CHARMING: This is after one or two drinks. The tongue is
loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain. In the "witty
and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms and and
phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "No way, Jose" or
"Bullsheyet".
2. RICH AND POWERFUL: By the third drink, you begin mentioning the little
380 SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place.
3. BENEVOLENT: You'll buy her a Mercedes, too. It's only money.
4. JUST ONE MORE AND THEN WE'LL EAT: Stall tactic.
5. TO HELL WITH DINNER: Just one more and then we'll eat.
6. PATRIOTIC: The war stories begin.
7. CRANK UP THE "ENOLA GAY": "We could have won in Nam, but..."
8. INVISIBLE: So this is what the Ladies' Room looks like.
9. WITTY AND CHARMING PART II: You know, you don't sweat much for a fat girl.
10. BULLETPROOF: Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive.
-- Lewis Grizzard, "My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm a Son
of a Gun".
%
The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did
wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too
romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.
So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be
castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue
factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was
almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.
After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time
trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually
ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look
on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.
"What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!"
"Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand
people took one look at you and shouted `they're off!'?"
%
The young man took a blind date to the amusement park. They went
for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna get weighed," she said. So he took her over to the weight
guesser. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that he bought her some
popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna get weighed," she said, bluntly.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the boy, and
using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's
wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"Wousy," said the girl.
%
There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go
and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain
from sex for thirty days.
Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks
the first couple if they passed the test.
"Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month.
"Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter
the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did.
"Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine
until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and
I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't
stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it
to her right there."
"That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into
the Church after something like that."
"I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us
into Safeway anymore either."
%
There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in
a bar having a few drinks together.
The Englishman turns to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to
drive your wife wild in bed?"
"Well", replies the Frenchman, "After we make love, I go out to the
garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and put them all over
her body. then I gently blow them off with a soft, even breath, and that drives
her wild with desire."
"Interesting," the Englishman replies. "After my wife and I make love
I massage baby oil gently all over her body -- that works for me!"
Then the pair turn to the Newfie and ask him what he does.
"Well...", he says, "when me and the old lady are through, I jump
out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain. And that REALLY drives
her wild."
%
These two project managers were walking through a residential area
one day, when they saw a dog (also male) sitting on a lawn, licking its
cock. (Why do dogs do that? Because they can). Anyway, the first manager
nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that! That really looks like fun
-- I wish I could do that!"
Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried
it once, and the damn dog bit me!"
%
"They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
"Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
country. We're completely computerized.
"The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They
look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
"Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
"It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
-- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
%
This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks
the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet. It works: four
months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem.
He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be. He calls
up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry. "There's a special
surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him. "Just
come on over to the clinic."
"But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand. I'm too
embarrassed to be seen in public like this."
"Don't give it another thought," says the doctor. "Simply pull up
all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put
on a top hat, and come on over."
The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he
reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk,
dying of self-consciousness. "The doctor will be right with you," says the
nurse. "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?"
"My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?"
%
This guy is taking a leak in a public men's room when a man enters
with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands
dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him.
"Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?" he asks.
Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim,
the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next
requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position.
"Shake it off" is the next instruction, then "zip me up," and the
guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of
being so helpless.
"Say, thanks," says the man, flouncing to the door. "I can't do a
*thing* 'til my nails dry!"
%
This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling
good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair,
sobbing like crazy. He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?"
"I...<sob, sniffle>...I'm 21 and I <choke> I've never been kissed...
<sniffle>"
So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady.
He leans over and gives her a long wonderful kiss. This does wonders, and
the woman's face lights up and she grins from ear to ear, and the guy wanders
away feeling wonderful.
Well, next week, the same guy is walking along the same beach, and
sees the same girl who is once again sobbing her eyes out. Gallant to the
end, our hero says, "What's wrong, miss, can I help?"
"I...I'm <sob, sniffle, sniffle> 21 and I've never been fucked..."
The guy picks her up out of her chair, cuddles her close, and brings
her over to the shore, and throws her into the water. "Now you're fucked!"
%
Three women and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge.
The women had been arrested for soliciting and he'd been was arrested for
selling ties without a license. "What do you do for a living?" the judge
asked, pointing at the first girl.
"Your honor, I'm a model," she replied.
"Thirty days," was the sentence. The judge turned to the second
girl. "What do you do for a living?" he asked.
"Your honor, I'm an actress."
"Thirty days." Then he turned to the third girl. "And how about
you?" he demanded.
"Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud of it, but it's
the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been
laid off."
"For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence.
Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out." Now he turns to Feldstein,
arrested for selling ties illegally. "And you," he said, "what do you do
for a living?"
"Your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud..."
%
Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally
ran out. "I have an idea," croaked Al. "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow
shum money from my wife."
The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light,
and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man.
This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to
affect the husband.
"Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban?" he
asked.
"Yes, yes," she snapped. "Take my purse from the mantle, and for
Pete's sake, turn off those lights."
Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's
enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me. Pretty good, eh, old buddy?"
"But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle
he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?"
"The hell with him," replied Al. "Let him buy his own pint."
%
Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club
car of a train headed east out of Chicago.
"I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to
London?"
The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war,"
he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town."
The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did
he say, Reggie?"
"He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman
replied.
After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You
didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?"
The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he
exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months
just before I came back to the States!"
"What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know.
"He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.
%
Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they
were rear-ended by a huge semi. Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the
side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck
driver. "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked.
Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to
deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl,
"Ah, why doncha suck my cock."
"Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going
to be able to settle out of court."
%
Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how
to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say
`ass' and I'll say `hell'".
All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their
mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room,
and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
%
Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about
their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife
has cut me down to just once a week."
"That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know
two guys she's cut off altogether.
%
Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering
the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the
mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he
noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well,
hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and
the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're
lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he
come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner
asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally
the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he
said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at
this ungodly hour?"
The man said, "Come into the embalming room."
They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now
watch."
He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The
partner looks at him disgustedly and says: "You brought me down here at
three in the morning just to hear some asshole sing Hello Dolly"?
%
Two women were walking down the street, when one nudges the other
and says, "There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen
roses, damn it. That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for
three days."
Replies her friend, "Well, why don't you buy a vase?"
%
We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the
drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit
lightheaded; maybe you should drive...." And suddenly there was a terrible
roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all
swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a
hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was
screaming: "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?"
Then it was quiet again. My attorney had taken his shirt off and
was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process. "What the
hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his
eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sunglasses. "Never mind,"
I said. "It's your turn to drive." I hit the brakes and aimed the Great
Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway. No point in mentioning the
bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough.
-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas:
A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream"
%
Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt
so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS
THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no
one is mightier than you."
A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
The tiger staggers to his feet, looks at the elephant and says: "Man,
you don't have to get so pissed, just because you don't know the answer!"
%
Well, this woman went to the butcher shop to get some ham for dinner.
She asked the butcher what kind of ham he recommended, and the butcher said,
"Well ma'am, we got some Damn ham here for $3.50 a pound..." Needless to
say, she was surprised at the butcher's language! The butcher, who was
reasonably astute, noticed the alarmed look on the woman's face, and quickly
justified himself. "No, no, ma'am, I wasn't cursin', the NAME of this here
ham is "Damn ham". Amused, the woman requested some "Damn ham."
That night, before dinner, the woman took her husband aside and
explained what had happened at the butcher shop. He also was amused, and
suggested that they play a joke on their son. So, at dinner, after grace,
the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham."
Their son looked up, surprised. "WHOAH! Dad be gettin' hip!
How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?"
%
When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
operation, the young woman asked him somewhat hesitantly how long
it would be before she could resume her sex life.
"I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon.
"You're the first patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
%
When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy
but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty
seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
Rumania.
-- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
%
While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
"Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
"She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
then. We're trying to catch her."
"I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
carrying a bucket of sand?"
"That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
%
While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself
out of money just as her visa expired. Unable to pay her passage back to
France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting
proposition. "My ship is sailing tonight," he said. "I'll smuggle you
aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets
and food. All it will cost you is a little love."
The girl consented, and late that night the sailor sneaked her on
board his vessel. Twice each day thereafter, the sailor smuggled a large
tray of food below decks, took his pleasure with the little French stowaway
and departed. The days turned into weeks, and the weeks might have turned
into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one
evening and followed him. After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he
waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding
an explanation. She told him the whole story.
"Hmmm," mused the captain. "A clever arrangement, and I must say I
admire that young seaman's ingenuity. However, Miss, I feel it is only fair
to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry."
%
"Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last
night?" demanded the irate mother.
"I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour."
"But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the
movies you ought to at least kiss him good night."
"I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother.
"We did."
%
With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble,
buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
"It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
"I guessed that much. Tell me about it."
"I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue
and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
"Okay. It's your wife."
"My wife!!"
"Yeah."
"What about her?"
Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
%
"Yes, sir, the bowling ball nipple rings in black. Will there
be anything else?"
%
You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an
elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you
up in the bar last night?"
"Uh-huh," the elephant replies.
"Did I bring you home?"
"Uh-huh."
"Did we, uh, fool around?"
"Uh-huh."
"Lord, I must have been tight!"
"Not any more."
%
... and no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers. No matter how assured
we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful
inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions. This is true in religion
as it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the
naive. As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we
might be advised to leave them to heaven. They will not, unfortunately, do
us the same courtesy. They attack us and each other, and whatever their
protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear
that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword. My own belief in
God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge. My respect
for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most
virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth. But even well-educated Christians are
frustrated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus
because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record. Such ambiguity
is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar
is perfectly aware of it. Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to
obscure such reality.
-- Steve Allen
%
... which the Minstrel was supposed by some authorities to have composed
beneath the gibbet at Elsdon on the occasion of his hanging, drawing and
quartering for misguidedly climbing into bed with Sir Oswald Capheughton's
wife, Lady Fleur, when that noble lord was not only in it, but in her at
the same time. Minstrel Flawse's introduction of himself into Sir Oswald
had met with that reaction known as dog-knotting on the part of all
concerned...
I gan noo wha ma organs gan
When oft I lay abed I should ha' known 'twas never Fleur
So rither hang me upside doon That smelt so mooch of sweat
Than by ma empty head. For she was iver sweet and pure
And iver her purse was wet.
But old Sir Oswald allus stank
Of horse and hound and dung So hang me noo fra' Elsdon tree
And when I chose to breech his rank And draw ma innards out
Was barrel to my bung. That all the wald around may see
What I have done without.
But ere ye come to draw ma heart
Na do it all so quick So prick 'em wet or prick 'em dry
But prise the arse of Oswald 'part 'Tis all the same to me
And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die
Afore I have a pee.
-- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry"
%
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
3. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
4. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
5. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor.
6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
8. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman.
9. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either.
10. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
%
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers'
quarterback.
3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
4. You don't have to let a beer win.
5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to
sleep with it, too.
6. A beer helps with the houswork.
7. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children.
10. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
%
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
1. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
2. A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car.
3. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
4. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
5. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
6. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
7. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
8. A beer doesn't snore.
9. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
10. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
%
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
1. Beer understands the difference between shooting down an unidentified
aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
2. A beer would never own a car with an automatic transmission.
3. A beer never fishes for compliments.
4. Beer tastes good.
5. A beer can enjoy an evening of watching "Johnny-the-Wadd-Holmes' Greatest
Hits" as much as you do.
6. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
7. A beer won't ask you to pick up some tampons when you go to the store.
8. Beer never asks you to change the station.
9. A beer won't fill up your 'Vette with 85-octane gas because it's twenty
cents less expensive.
10. A beer won't make you eat experimental vegetarian meals that taste
like grass.
%
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
4. Beer never makes you wait.
5. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
6. Beer doesn't have a lawyer "in the family".
7. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
8. Beer doesn't demand equality.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
%
15 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
1. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
2. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common.
3. A beer won't steal all the covers.
4. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink all your beer.
5. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
6. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
7. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
8. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.
9. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
10. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
11. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
12. A beer won't talk about the women who had it before you.
13. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series.
14. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.
15. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe". Or "Sugar".
%
18th Rule of Friendship:
A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof
to install your new aerial, which is the biggest son-of-a-bitch you
ever saw.
-- Esquire, May 1977
%
20 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN
1. A beer never leaves the toilet seat up.
2. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
3. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
4. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
5. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
6. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
7. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
8. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
9. A beer won't steal the covers.
10. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
11. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
12. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.
13. A beer tastes good.
14. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
15. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback.
16. You don't have to let a beer win.
17. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
18. A beer will never call you "Babe". Or "Sugar-hips".
19. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
20. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
%
667 -- The neighbor of the beast.
%
68:
Do me now and I'll owe you one.
%
6802 hackers make great use of the SEX instruction.
%
69 + 69 = dinner for 4.
%
71:
69 with two fingers up your ass.
-- George Carlin
%
7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
Redwood Forest.
7:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
%
8 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
1. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
2. A beer doesn't care when you come.
3. Beer doesn't have a mother.
4. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
5. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy
"just for the articles".
6. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
7. Beer doesn't always want to go to the 'powder room' with everyone
else's beer.
8. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't
make you ill.
%
A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for
more than a year.
"Hey! Y'got any wimmen around here?"
"Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room."
"I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled. He
downed his drink and left disgustedly.
A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again.
He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through
this part of town?"
"Nope. Nary a one. But we still got George in the back room."
Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of
thing," and turned on his heel and left.
Within a year he came back from his mine again. With a wild look on
his face he re-entered the saloon. Leaning over the bar he whispered to the
bartender, "If I was to go into the back room with George, how many people
'round here would know?"
"Oh," the bartender said, scratching his chin, "'bout seven, I guess."
"Seven!?"
"Yep. You, me, George, and the four men holdin' him down. You see,
George don't go for that kind of thing neither."
%
A 6'8", 280-pound Southerner walked into a NY bar, sat down next to a
patron, and said, "Ah'm big, and ah'm bad, and I *loves* to fuck Northern
women!" The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out
of the bar.
The Rebel moved over to the next guy and said, "Ah'm big and ah'm
bad and I *loves* to fuck New York women." The guy took one look at him,
blanched and ran out of the bar.
The man then went over to a short little guy with "Bronx" written
all over him. "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to fuck your sister."
The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame
you one bit. She's *got* to be an improvement on yours."
%
A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself.
"What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired.
"You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!"
"What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked.
"It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody."
%
A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of
six. One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully
sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from
another shipwreck that morning. After they got over their initial surprise
at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he had been alone on
this barren bit of land.
"Almost twenty years," he answered.
"Twenty years!" she exclaimed. "But how ever did you survive?"
"Oh, I fish, dig for clams, and gather berries and coconuts," he
replied.
"And what do you do for sex?" she asked.
"What's that?" He looked puzzled.
Whereupon the maiden pulled the innocent young man down onto the sand
beside her and proceeded to demonstrate. After they had finished, she asked
how he had enjoyed it.
"Great!" was the reply. "But look what it did to my clamdigger!"
%
A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and
purgatory for the purse.
%
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes
one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right
away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her
thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
abnormalities."
"Correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast
cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to
having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants, "what I'm doing
now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
%
A beetling young woman named Pridgets
Had a violent abhorrence of midgets;
Off the end of a wharf
She once pushed a dwarf
Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets.
-- Edward Gorey
%
A big store buyer had been on the road for nearly two months. Each week he
would send his wife a telegram saying,
"Can't come home yet. Still buying."
His wife knew that these buying trips usually involved more than business.
She tolerated this particular jaunt for a while, but when the third month
rolled by and she'd still seen nothing of her husband but the weekly telegrams,
she wired him,
"Better come home. I'm selling what you're buying."
%
A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression
Sold cigars at a key-club concession.
When she swiveled about
Even strong men cried out,
For her costume did not keep her flesh in.
%
A bisexual chap name of Lunt
Taught himself an unusual stunt.
He could peel back his spout
Turn the skin inside out
Like a glove, to be used as a cunt!
%
A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow.
%
A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing
into trees. At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same
forest, with identical results. They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing.
"Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally,"
apologized the rabbit.
"That's quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same
problem!"
"All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do
you think you could help me find out?"
"I'll try," said the snake. He gently coiled himself around the
rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail
and long ears. You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!"
"Great!" said the rabbit. "Thanks, I really owe you one!"
"Well," replied the snake, "I don't know what I am, either. Do you
suppose you could try and tell me?"
The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake. "Well, you're low, cold
and slimey..." And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have
no balls. You must be an attorney!"
%
A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar.
Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute
and that her price was $500. He was taken aback by the price, but after
a few minutes of thought he took her up to his room. She spent a few
minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him
masturbating furiously on the bed. "What are you doing?", she asked.
"Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!"
%
A Catholic and a Methodist were carpooling to work one morning, when a brick
fell out of the sky, which startled the driver and caused him to swerve off
the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car.
The two stumbled out of the wreckage, both feeling quite fortunate
to be alive. The Catholic crossed himself. Then the Protestant crossed
himself in an accentuated manner.
"Hey," said the Catholic, "I why did you cross yourself, you're not
Catholic!"
"Just checking," replied his friend, crossing himself again,
"spectacles, testicles, wallet, pen."
%
A certain bartender decided to try to get a few new customers into his bar
by starting a gimmick involving a horse. His claim was that if anyone could
get the horse to laugh, he would give them drinks on the house. The idea
worked well and business improved until one night a young man walked in and
whispered in the horse's ear. The horse immediately burst into hysterical
laughter and the man won the contest. The next night the same thing
happened: the man whispered in the horse's ear and the horse burst out
laughing. The next night, the bartender decided to change the rules. Now,
a person had to get the horse to cry in order to win the drinks on the
house. Later on that night, the same guy came in and said "Can I take the
horse into the bathroom for a minute? I promise I'll make him cry." The
bartender agreed and sure enough, when the man came out leading the horse,
the horse was crying his eyes out. The bartender could take it no more and
said, "How did you make him laugh the other two nights?"
"I told him that my dick was bigger than his", replied the man.
"How did you make him cry tonight?"
"I proved it."
%
A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
%
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
-- Thomas Ybarra
%
A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica;
most men know it's there, but few really care.
%
A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good.
[something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack? Ed.]
%
A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by
chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left
to buy popcorn, the boy piped up,
"Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
"No, not that."
"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
"No, Mom. Down underneath."
His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."
Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get
a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.
"That's the elephant's trunk, son."
"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the
other end."
"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
"No. Down there."
The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's
penis."
"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled*
that woman."
%
A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine.
-- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
%
A drunk was sitting at the end of the bar in a popular single's place,
watching a young, good-looking man working his way through the women. The
guy didn't appear to be having much luck, and he was only spending a few
moments with each woman. As he worked his way closer, while he couldn't
hear what the young man was saying, he realized that the women were somewhat
shocked at his approach. Finally, the man approaches a pretty brunette and
they hit it off immediately. After a bit of quiet conversation, she handed
the young man her hotel key and they started off for the elevators. As they
passed the drunk, he stopped the lucky one and asked him what his method was.
"Well," the man replied, "It's simple. You say 'Tickle your ass
with a feather?' If she sounds interested, you take it from there. If she
sounds angry, you smile and say 'Typically nasty weather.'"
The drunk says "Ohhhhh, got it, I got it!" and walks over to a woman
at the end of the bar to try out his new approach. Getting her attention,
he smiles and says "Fuck me!"
"What?!?!?" she screams.
"Raining like hell, isn't it?"
%
A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
%
A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat,
rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
drowned in the lake!"
"Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
more chain than he can swim with?"
%
A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
%
A friend of mine received a note through the mail advising him,
"If you don't stop making love to my wife, I'll kill you."
The trouble is, the note wasn't signed.
%
A friendly message from your Internal Revenue Service: tax time is
coming again soon. Bend over.
%
A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how
hard it was to get any sleep.
"I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a
drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
"That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
"At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out."
%
A game can by God repent or we'll punish it.
That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century,
and that's how we'll do it now.
-- Dick Hamlet
%
A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works.
-- Bobby Knight
%
A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
%
A gorgeous young sophomore is having an affair with her English
professor. She goes home to visit her family for Christmas vacation
and when she gets back, she immediately invites him over for the
night. As soon as he walks through the door she hugs him and
asks, "Were you blue while I was away?"
"Blown, my dear," the professor corrects her, "blown."
%
A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that
the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war
with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces. She invited him to come in and
speak to the class. The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with
a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down.
"We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held
territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 fokkers diving on us from above."
At the first mention of `fokkers' the class giggled a little bit.
"Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting. As we
fought, we noticed 2 more fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more
fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle".
At this second and third mention of `fokkers' the class was almost laughing
openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain
to the class that a 'fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the
German Air Force.
He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts".
%
A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which
they hoped would prove to be the missing link. The proof of their theory,
however, required that a human mate with the animal so that they could see
what characteristics the offspring would assume. Needing volunteers, the
scientists placed an ad in the paper: "$5000 to mate with ape."
Almost immediately, they received response from a man who said he
would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions.
"First," he said, "my wife must never know. Second, any children
must be baptized. And, third, I'd have to pay in installments."
%
A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest
girl there.
"This is a very special frog," he informs her. "His name is Charlie."
"What's so special about this frog?" she asks.
He's reluctant to tell her, but when pressed, explains that,
"This frog can eat pussy."
The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling her
a filthy lie. But no, he assures her, it's completely true. And after much
discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog in action.
She positions herself appropriately, the guy carefully takes out the frog, and
says, "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!" The frog is immobile, despite his
owner's exhortations, and the girl starts to snicker.
"Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!"
"C'mon Charlie, do your stuff!"
By now, the girl is laughing openly.
"Okay, Charlie," says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, "I'm
only going to show you one more time."
%
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps it
into a urinal. Over the course of the next few hours, he goes back to the bar
and repeats this sequence -- several times. Finally the bartender got so
curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing.
Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman."
%
A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush.
%
A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird.
%
A hard man is good to find.
%
A huge Rambo-like fellow walked into a tavern and took a seat in the middle of
the bar. After downing a double in one gulp, he glared at the six men to his
right and said, "You're all no-good motherfuckers. Anyone have a problem with
that?"
When no one said a word, the brawny fellow ordered another whiskey,
downed it in one gulp, turned to the five men on his left and said, "You're
all cocksuckers. Anyone have a problem with that?"
Everybody on the left stared silently into his drink. Suddenly, a man
on the right stood up and started walking toward the big guy. "Hey, asshole!"
the thug bellowed. "You got a problem with what I said?"
"No problem at all," came the reply. "I was just sitting at the wrong
end of the bar."
%
A hunter saved a native boy from a boa constrictor. In gratitude, the boy gave
the hunter a magic gorilla prick. The lad said the prick would do anything you
told it to do until you told it to do something else. When the hunter returned
home to England, he put the magic gorilla prick on the mantle along with some
of his other trophies. His wife thought it quaint and his story charming. But
soon, the hunter went a-safariing again. He was away for months. One evening,
the woman eyed the MGP carefully and whispered, "Gorilla Prick, fuck me."
Whereupon the thing jumped off the mantle and began to bang her with great
thoroughness and ferocity. For the first twenty minutes it was pure heaven,
but after the next few minutes it became fatiguing, and she said, "Stop it,
Gorilla Prick," but it didn't. After a bit more she was screaming "Stop!
Stop!" at the thing and trying to pull it out of her smoking hole. But nothing
worked. Finally, the butler bursts into the room, summoned by her screams.
"Saunders, help me please!"
"But what is it, Madame?"
"It's a Magic Gorilla Prick!"
"Gorilla prick, my ass!! ... AAAaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii!!!!!!"
%
A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When
she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted,
"What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."
The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
%
A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days
and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How
do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered,
there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of
110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
"Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of
this here corn liquor?"
"Got one right here," replied the guard.
The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
"Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned
with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was
smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
want killed?"
%
A lisping fag fell off a pleasure yacht and began to scream. "Help! Help, I
can't thwim!" One of the other passengers heard the caterwauling and leaned
over the rail, remarking, "Really, there's no need to scream. Just reach out
and grab that buoy near you." To which the floundering sodomite answered,
"Buoy! Oh, thith ith no time for thekth, you degenerate... I'm dwowning!"
%
A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.
-- Norman Mailer
%
A little Mexican boy comes home from school one day and says to his grand-
father, "Granddaddy, today my teacher said that Pancho Villa, the bandit
used to raid towns around here! Did you ever know him?"
"Do *I* know Pancho Villa?" exclaims the man. "Why, boy, before
your father was born, I was riding into town on my horse. Suddenly, from
behind the bushes leaped Pancho with his six-guns drawn! He told me to get
down off the horse and to give him all my money. Then, he told me to scoop
some manure from the ground and eat it!"
"I refused at first, but Pancho had the guns, so I ate the shit.
And he started laughing so hard that it scared his horse into rearing up --
I grabbed the guns from his hands! I said to Pancho, `Okay, Pancho, now
it's your turn -- you eat the shit!' I had the guns, so he ate the shit.
"And you ask me, child, if I know Pancho Villa, the bandit! Why,
we had *lunch* together!"
%
A lively case was in progress in the District Court at Lick Skillet. Judge
Flannery was presiding, and on the witness stand was Tush Bumpass.
"From where ah was standin'", drawled Tush, "Ah could see he'd
backed 'er up agin' thet there wall, and ef Ah ever sawed a screwin' match,
thet one wuz!"
"Mr. Bumpass," the Judge interrupted, "I'd prefer that you not use
the word 'screw' in the courtroom. Say 'intercourse' instead."
Tush looked puzzled. "Intercourse? Whut's thet, Judge?"
His Honor sighed. "It's a technicality of language that you're
probably not aware of. Never mind. Please continue."
"Well, like ah said, he had 'er shoved up agin' thet wall, an' he
was... uh... intercoursin' 'er, an' he give 'er the crossjostle, the Chicago
Stroke, an she let out with a holler thet..."
"One moment," interrupted the Bench. "What is this, ah, Chicago
Stroke, Mr. Bumpass?"
"Well, thet's a technicality of screwin', Judge, thet you're probably
not aware of!"
%
A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
-- Thomas Hardy
%
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
-- Carrie Snow
%
A man always needs to remember one thing about
a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
%
A man and a woman got married. Although it is the first time for the
husband, it is the woman's second marriage. As they go to bed on their
wedding night, the wife says to her husband:
"Dear, there's something I must tell you. I'm a virgin."
Naturally, the husband is surprised.
"You've been married before!", he says, "How can you still be a
virgin?"
"Well, it's all quite simple," she retorted, "my husband was a
computer programmer."
"What's so odd about that?", he asked. "Why would you still be
a virgin after a marriage to a programmer?"
"Well", she said, "all he did was sit on the edge of the bed and
tell me how great it was going to be."
%
A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the
lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win,
you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see
her again. Okay?"
"Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point
on the side to make it interesting?"
%
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
-- Joan Rivers
%
A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting
next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm*
Polish."
He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother."
Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room.
"Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl
with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with
the joke.
"Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?"
"Nah," says the man.
"Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish
man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?"
"No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it
five times."
%
A man goes into a hospital for a routine appendectomy. When he wakes up
from the anesthesia, he sees a large group of doctors gathered anxiously
around his bed.
"What happened?" he asks worriedly.
"Well," says one of the doctors, "there was a small clerical error,
and you got mixed-up with another patient. Instead of an appendectomy, we
performed a sex-change operation. Your penis has been removed and a vagina
has been crafted into place."
"WHAT!!!" screams the man. "That's horrible! What am I going to
tell my wife? Can't you reverse it? This means I'm never going to experience
another erection!"
"Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of
course, have to be someone else's."
%
A man is as old as the woman he feels.
-- Groucho Marx
%
A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno. By the roadside he
sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up. As the man gets into his
car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car.
"All right, buddy," says the man, "I want to you jerk off."
"What!?" says the man, disbelievingly.
"Go ahead, do it!" says the hitchhiker.
So the driver masturbates, and when he is through, says, "All right,
I did what you wanted, can I go now?"
"Nope," says the hijacker. "Do it again."
"Again?" the driver exclaims. "I just did it."
"Do it again."
It takes a little longer this time, but he manages to come again.
Panting, he turns to his tormenter and again asks if he can leave.
"Yes," the man replies, "but only after you've done it one more
time."
The guy is really scared now; he's starting to sweat. It takes him
twenty minutes, this time, but he finally comes a third time.
"Listen, buddy, can I please leave now?"
"Yeah," says the man, lowering his gun. "And this is my daughter;
I want you to drive her into Salerno."
%
A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman
for companionship. The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well
until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at
which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared. Months later,
a raft drifts into sight. The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it,
takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her.
"You are so good to me," she responds gratefully. "I'd do absolutely
anything to show my gratitude."
"Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope
that holds up his ragged pants. "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash
and take that damn dog for a walk!"
%
A man is playing golf at a very exclusive country club when he hits a hole-
in-one. As he takes his ball from the cup, a genie appears.
"Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What
is your heart's desire?"
"Great!", replies the man. I want a longer penis."
"Your wish is granted," says the genie, and promptly disappears.
As the golfer continues through the rest of the course he can
feel his penis slowly growing, to an extent that it's becoming uncomfortable.
By the time he completes the 18th hole it's extended down his pants leg to
his knee. Thinking to himself that this isn't quite what he had in mind, he
grabs a bucket of balls and heads back out onto the course. Three weeks later,
he manages another hole-in-one and the genie reappears.
"Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What
is your heart's desire?"
"Yeah, I know all that," replies the man. "Listen, could you make
my legs longer?"
%
A man is talking to his wife when he mentions that there's a "Big Dick"
contest at one of the bars in town and the prize for the winner is $1000.
"Oh, honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that thing
out in public!"
"But baby," he says, "$1000 is a lot of money."
"I don't care!" she says, stamping her foot. "I don't want you
showing that thing to everybody."
And the subject isn't mentioned again, until the following evening
when he hands her $1000.
"Did you enter the contest, even after I told you I didn't want
you to?" she asks.
"Please forgive me, turtle dove," he says. "I thought we could use
the money."
"You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says,
tears welling up in her eyes.
"Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win."
%
A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the
longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse,
followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred
other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity
no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
"Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief,
but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is
the funeral for?"
"Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-
in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman
attacked and killed her."
"That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you
don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
"Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
%
A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and
antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not
from around here, are you?"
"No," replies the man with the antennae.
"You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American,
either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!"
"Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars."
"Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got
there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything."
"We Martians all have four arms and antennae."
"Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that
big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all
Martians have that?"
"Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*."
%
A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
%
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
%
A man never minds being in the doghouse
as long as he can get his tail outside.
%
A man rushed into a bar and breathlessly asked the bartender to pour him
three straight scotches. The bartender complied, and watched as he downed
them one after another.
"Why three scotches?" the bartender asked as he paused for breath.
"Well, to be honest, I'm celebrating my first blow-job."
"Hell, congratulations, the next one's on me."
"No, thanks," the young man replied, "if the first three didn't get
the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another one will."
%
A man sat down next to another passenger on a train recently and couldn't
help overhearing his conversation out the window with a man standing on
the train platform.
"Thanks for putting me up while I was here, Sam," said the passenger.
"Glad to do it," said the other man.
"Thanks for the food and the drinks -- everything was wonderful."
"It was a pleasure," said the man.
"And thank your wife, Sam, she was great," said the passenger,
"she was a truly great lay."
The man was rather taken aback by this exchange and he later turned
to his fellow passenger and said: "Pardon me sir, but did I understand you
to say that your friend's wife was a great lay?"
"Well," said the other passenger, "I didn't REALLY enjoy it. But
Sam is a helluva nice guy."
%
A man walks into the doctor's office and the doctor says to him, "I've got
some good news and some bad news."
"Tell me the good news first" the patient replies.
"The good news is that your penis is going to be about two inches
longer and about an inch wider," the doctor says.
"That's great!" says his patient. "What's the bad news?"
"Malignant."
%
A man was playing golf one day when a little frog hopped out the water at a
water hazard and croaked, "I am a magic frog, and since you are the 10,000th
person to play through here, I'm prepared to offer you one of two magic gifts:
First, for a whole year you can have the most fabulous sex life that anyone
ever had; beyond your wildest dreams. Or, second, for a whole year you can
be the best golfer the world has ever known. Which do you prefer?" The man
thought a bit and said that he'd take the golf. Well, the man holed his wood
shot from where he was, completed the course in an average of 2 per hole, and
went round in 22. Quickly he attracted the attention of the sports world,
and became the world's best-known golfer, setting course records wherever
he went. A year later he was playing the same course inhabited by the frog,
and at the water hazard the frog hopped out and said, "Well, the year is up,
and you now revert to the 18-handicap player you were before. But tell me, I
was a little surprised that you chose the golf -- I take it your sex life is
outstanding?" The man said, "Well, I have no complaints in that department
at all, which is why I chose the golf." "How many times did you engage in sex
last year?" inquired the frog. The man thought a little and said, "Oh, eight
or ten times, I guess." "Damn," said the frog, "that doesn't strike me as very
satisfactory." "Oh, I don't know," replied the man, "it doesn't seem so bad
for a Catholic priest from a little town in South Dakota."
%
A man was talking to his best friend about his married life. "You know," he
says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to
me, but there's *always* that doubt. There's *always* that little doubt."
"Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies.
"Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend,
and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone? I trust
her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt."
The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.
"I've got some bad news for you," says the friend. "The evening
after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. A man
got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife.
After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him. Then, he
took off his shirt and she took off her blouse. And then the light went
out."
"*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide.
"Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see."
"Damn!" roared the husband. "You see what I mean? There's *always*
that doubt!"
%
A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
find a girl willing to listen to him.
%
A man with no arms walked into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender
shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold
the glass for me?
"Sure," said the bartender.
"If," said the customer, "you'll reach in my right hand coat pocket,
you'll find the money for the beer."
The bartender got the money and rang up the bill.
"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more.
Where is the men's room?"
"Up the street to the light," said the bartender, "turn left, walk
two blocks, and there's a gas station on the corner."
%
A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
%
A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
%
A man's father is very, very old, and the son can't afford very good treatment
for him, so he's in a rather shabby, run-down nursing home. One day the son
wins a lottery -- and the first thing he does is install his father in the best
old age home that money can buy.
On the first day the old man is sitting watching TV, and he starts
to lean a little bit to one side. Right away a nurse runs over and gently
straightens the old man. A little later he's eating dinner, and when he
finishes, he begins to tip a little bit to one side. Another nurse runs
over and gently pushes him upright again.
The son visits his father later that evening and asks him how he's
being treated.
"It's a wonderful place, son," replies the father. "I really like
it here, gourmet food, color TV's in every room, the service is unbelievable,
there's just one little problem."
"What's that, Dad?"
"They won't let you fart."
%
A midget had a date with a very tall girl. It was a quiff-hanger.
%
A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good
many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and
the police.
-- Mr. Dooley
%
A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down,
swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again. The mouse worked
his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole.
"Say, good buddy," he squeaked, "how high up are we, anyway?"
"Oh, about two thousand feet," answered the eagle.
The mouse's eyes bugged out. "Hey, you wouldn't shit me, would you?"
%
A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of
Alaska, where there were no women for miles. He finally couldn't take it
anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the other men did to relieve
the pressure.
"Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower," suggested the
foreman. "The other men swear by it."
The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of
his life. "That barrel is fantastic! Warm! Wet! I'm going to use it
every day!"
"Every day but the third Wednesday of the month," one of the
other men replied.
"Why not then?"
"That's your day in the barrel."
%
A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he
on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
"But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
"TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
"But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
"TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls
to his death.
"DUMB YANKEE."
%
A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
by the side of the street. Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned
out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?"
"Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?"
"Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a
gallon or two."
%
A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
-- Phyllis Schlafly
%
A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check
out the local action. He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk
Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Aquavit or two. After a few
minutes, an extremely attractive young woman, having been taken with his form
and features, sends a drink down to him, then joins him. The chemistry between
them is immediate and total. They have the next drink in her room, and spend
the night repeatedly making passionate love. The woman has no idea of her
partner's true identity; all she knows is he's driving her mad. In the
morning, the Norse god jumps into the shower. Reflecting on the previous
night he decides that he wants to be honest with his new lover. Without even
bothering to wrap himself in a towel, he leaps from the shower into the room,
where the woman is still in bed, exhausted. He kneels beside the bed, looks
deep into her eyes and says, "Honey, I have something very important to tell
you -- I'm Thor!".
The woman looks at him. "You're Thor?", she says. "My inthides feel
like grated cheeth!"
%
A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing
sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always
married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband,
to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking
risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed:
to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings,
thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy
that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing
children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised
by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
-- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality",
attempting to explain the lack of female interest in
pornography.
%
A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing
sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always
married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband,
to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking
risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed:
to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings,
thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy
that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing
children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised
by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
-- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality",
attempting to explain the lack of female interest in
pornography.
%
A nuclear family is out golfing one day, when it becomes clear that Dad isn't
going to win any trophies, at least on this course. On the 3rd hole, after
two miserable bogies, he misses a two foot putt and exclaims, "Shit!"
His wife glances over at their sixteen year old daughter and says
nothing.
On the fourth hole Dad tees off with an incredible hook, and, after
the inevitable exclamation, his wife reproves him with "Honey!"
This continues on, with his golfing getting worse and his wife getting
more and more upset about his language. Finally, on the 17th hole, he again
misses a very easy putt. Flinging his club down, he curses the hole, the
club, and the sunset, using the word "fuck" for the first time. His wife
whirls around and cries, "Honey! Our daughter is standing right next to you!"
Feeling remorseful, but somewhat defensive, he turns to the
daughter and says, "Well, Cindy, you've heard that word before, haven't
you?"
"Yes," the daughter replies, "but never in anger."
%
A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
%
A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time
talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping. The trade
was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to
their respective houses. After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of
the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and
said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along?"
%
A pederastic necrophiliac is a gentleman who is
true to the very end of the end of a friend.
%
A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
-- Thackeray
%
A performing octopus could play the piano, the zither and a piccolo, and his
trainer wanted him to add the bagpipe to his accomplishments. With this in
mind, a bagpipe was placed in the octopus's room, and the trainer awaited
results. Hours passed, but no bagpipe music was heard. Since the talented
octopus usually learned quickly, the trainer was disturbed. Opening the door
the next morning, he asked the octopus,
"Have you learned to play that thing yet?"
"Play it!" retorted the octopus. "I've been trying to lay it all
night!"
%
A person who has both feet planted firmly
in the air can be safely called a liberal.
%
A policeman is walking his beat when he finds an inebriated man collapsed
against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his
hands. He's moaning something about how "They took my car!" Seeing that
the man is well-dressed, the officer suspects that he may have a real case
of theft on his hands and attempts to question the man.
"What happened to your car?"
"My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards
stole it! Please officer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on
the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here;
right on my key!"
"OK, OK, stand up, we'll see what we can do. You'll have to come
down to the stat... Mister, your fly's unzipped and you're exposing
yourself!"
"Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!"
%
A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
%
A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
%
A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
Bishop."
"Well, could you get any higher than that?"
"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
might be made an Archbishop."
"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could
be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
"And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
up from being the Pope?"
"What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!"
The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it."
%
A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living
room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling
beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer
looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
%
A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone
and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided
to visit the local pet shop. The owner suggested a parrot, with which she
could conduct a civilized conversation. This seemed to be an excellent
idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room,
and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'" Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say
'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit."
Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes
in the refrigerator." Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on
its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
"Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot.
Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it! Ten minutes
in the freezer," and slammed the door on him.
Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a
big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving. Startled, he squawks, "My God,
you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!"
%
A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From
his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched,
sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, "How much
to replace this, Ian?" The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'l be four
pence." Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the
condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders
for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."
Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and
says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"
%
A Scotsman clad in kilts left a bar one evening fair.
One could tell by how he walked, he'd drunk more than his share.
He staggered on until he could no longer keep his feet.
So he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
Later on two young and lovely girls just happened by.
One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye.
"See yon sleeping Scotsman so young and handsome built?"
"I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilts?"
They stepped up to the Scotsman, so young and fancy free.
They lifted up his kilt above the waist so they could see.
And there behold for them the view beneath his Scottish skirt,
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.
They marveled for a moment, then one said, "Best be gone."
"Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
As a gift they left a blue ribbon tied into a bow,
Around the bonny star of the Scot's kilt lifting show.
The Scot awoke to nature's call and stumbled to the trees.
Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he see's.
Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes,
"Och, lad I dinna know whar' ya been, but I see ya won first prize."
-- Mike Cross, "The Scotsman"
%
A sheriff arrived at the scene of the horrible accident just as his deputy,
all alone, was climbing down from the controls of a bulldozer. "Say,
Junior, what's goin' on?" asked the sheriff.
"A bus full of migrant workers went out of control and over the
cliff, and I just finished buryin' 'em," explained the deputy.
"Good work, boy," replied the sheriff. "Pretty gory work -- were
all of 'em dead?"
Junior nodded sadly and said, "Some of them said they weren't, but
you know how them Mex'cans lie."
%
A shy young man, preparing himself for what he hoped would be the ultimate sex
act with a pretty young lady, went into a drugstore to inquire about sizes and
styles of condoms. The lusty proprietress, a buxom widow, saw an opportunity
for fun at the lad's expense.
"Come in the back and try some on for size," she said, taking his hand.
The widow unzipped the youth's fly and watched the small instrument grow in
her hand as she measured it. When the weapon had unfurled to a rosy seven and
a half inches, the young man, unable to contain himself, had an orgasm with a
tremendous discharge. After recovering, he asked the widow if she could now
give him the proper size.
"I'll do more than that," she said. "I'll give you free meals and a
half interest in the store."
%
A son takes his Italian immigrant father to his first baseball game. It
happens that it's Old Timer's Day at Yankee stadium and all the baseball
greats are there. The son escorts his father to box seats right on the
third base line and seats him with beer and a Yankees cap.
The first batter up is Mickey Mantle. On the second pitch he
swings that bat and CRACK! The ball ricochets off the wall for a double.
The crowd goes crazy and the father stands up and yells, "Runna Mickey!
Runna Mickey!"
The next batter up is Joe DiMaggio. The pitcher, pitching him
carefully, works him to a 3-2 count and just misses the outside corner.
"Ball four!" yells the umpire and Joe tosses his bat aside and begins
to walk to first base.
The father yells out, "Runna Joe! Runna Joe!"
"No, no, Pop," corrects his son. "He got four balls. He walks."
And the old man clenches his fist and says solemnly, "Walka proud
Joe. Walka proud."
%
A stately-looking matron was walking through the Bronx Zoo, studying the
animals. When she passed the porcupine enclosure she beckoned to a nearby
attendant.
"Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper
pricks than those raised in Africa?"
The attendant hesitated for a moment. "Well, ma'am," he answered,
"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are
about the same."
%
A stranger had just arrived in the mining town and was spending the evening at
the local saloon. After a few drinks, he mentioned to the bartender that he
hadn't seen a single woman in the entire town.
The bartender replied, "Nope. Ain't no women in this town!"
"No women? What do the men do for... er..."
"Oh, for sex? Did you see all those pigs in the street? That's the
answer, right there."
Shaking his head incredulously, the stranger settled back to his
drinking. Within a short time, however, the liquor had convinced him that he
wanted to try out a pig himself. He had watched several miners walk upstairs
to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms. Now, he was
game to make his move. He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose
a nice fat, pink sow. As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went
quiet. In the embarrassing hush, all eyes were upon him.
"What's the matter? I thought all you fellows did this!"
"Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep.
%
A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
%
A sweet young schoolteacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go
for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired. Under
a tree on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and
with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter. Sobbing
uncontrollably she asked her seducer,
"How can I ever face my students again, knowing I have sinned twice?"
"Twice?" asked the young man, confused.
"Why, yes," said the sweet teacher, wiping a tear from her eye.
"You're going to do it again, aren't you?"
%
A teacher announces to her class, "Children, the student who can name the
greatest man who ever lived will win a shiny red apple."
Immediately an Italian boy raises his hand.
"Yes, Tony?"
"Christopher Columbus!" says Tony.
"Well," says the teacher, "Christopher Columbus was a very great man,
but I don't think he was the greatest man who ever lived."
From the back of the room little Bernie Goldstein raises his hand.
"Yes, Bernie?"
"Jesus Christ", says Bernie.
"That is correct, Bernie," pronounces the teacher. "And here is
your apple."
When Bernie gets up to the front of the room to claim his prize,
the teacher says, "Bernie, given the fact that you're Jewish, I'm surprised
that you thought Jesus was the greatest man who ever lived."
"Well, actually," replies Bernie, "I do think Moses had the edge,
but business is business."
%
A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa.
%
A traveling circus was performing in a small town, around the turn of the
century, when many of the circus animals were still considered to be very
rare and exotic. One night one of the elephants escaped. It was hungry
and found a garden in a little old lady's backyard. The woman, who had
never before seen an elephant, was hysterical and called the police.
Little Old Lady: "There's a *huge* monster in my garden!
Police: "Calm down, ma'am, everything will be all right. Now exactly what
does it look like?"
LOL: "It's a dark color and it's tremendous! It's pulling up my
vegetables with its tail!"
Police: "With its tail? Then what's it doing?"
LOL: "You wouldn't believe me if I told you!"
%
A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
%
A virgin is chaste.
%
A virginal is a harpsichord that has never been plucked.
%
A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty
comes most easily to those who have no taste for it.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
-- Addison
%
A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there
*for the rest of your life*.
-- Jim Samuels
%
A witty writer, K. Kraus in the Vienna "Fackel", has as it were, expressed
this truth paradoxically in the cynical saying: "Coitus is merely an
unsatisfactory substitute for onanism!"
-- Sigmund Freud, attempting to explain why
masturbation is "by no means harmless"
%
A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
%
A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
-- Scott
%
A woman forgives the audacity of which
her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
-- LeSage
%
A woman had a followup visit with her doctor after his prescribing fairly high
dosages of testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried
about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor Keyes, the hormones you've been giving me have helped a lot
with my menopausal symptoms, but I'm really afraid that you're giving me too
much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before!"
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."
%
A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
thankful for a good one.
-- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
%
A woman is driving down the street, her ten-year-old daughter belted into
the passenger seat. The daughter asks "Mommy, how old are you?"
The mother says "That's a personal question. It's not nice to ask
people personal questions."
The daughter thinks a while, then asks "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
The mother replies "That's a personal question too. I'm not going
to tell you."
Chastised, the daughter asks no more questions. The mother parks the
car. "I'm going to see Mrs. Tristan for a couple of minutes. You stay here in
the car and watch my purse."
After the mother leaves, the daughter removes her mother's driver's
license from the purse, studies it for a few minutes and replaces it. When
her mother returns they drive off. The little girl comments:
"Mommy, I know how old you are. You're 32."
"That's right! How did you know?"
"And you weigh 119 pounds."
"Did you look in my purse?"
"And I know why you and Daddy divorced."
"You *do*?"
"Yes," said the daughter. "Because you flunked sex!"
%
A woman is like a dresser... some man always goin' through her drawers.
-- Blind Lemon Pledge
%
A woman is like your shadow; follow her,
she flies; fly from her, she follows.
-- Chamfort
%
A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive
little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid.
-- Adolf Hitler
%
A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation.
It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.
-- Karl Kraus, "Die Fackel"
%
A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
-- Stendhal
%
A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.
-- Herodotus
%
A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social
pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate
woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without
love, without virtue, without sex.
-- Balzac
%
A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot.
-- Pancho Villa
%
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
-- Gloria Steinem
%
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
%
A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long
as he can.
-- Moms Mabley
%
A young boy is told by his puritanical father than he should never have
sex with a woman, because a woman has teeth in her vagina and will bite
off his penis.
The years go by, and the boy finally marries. After a rather
uninspiring honeymoon his wife finally confronts him and demands that he
tell her why he won't make love to her.
"Well, honey," he replies. "You have... teeth... down there."
"What!?" she replies unbelievingly. "No I don't! Honest, darling,
come here and look for yourself."
The man rather hesitantly examines her very thoroughly.
"There!" his wife says triumphantly. "Now do you believe me?"
"Yes," replied her husband. "And your gums are in *terrible*
condition."
%
A young lady friend of mine just swallowed a razor blade...
She performed a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy,
three circumcisions, and cut off the finger of a casual friend.
%
A young man walks into a bus station, and goes into the men's room to relieve
himself. When he steps in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous penis
he has ever seen. As he urinates, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member
of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him
if he is indeed a real leprechaun.
The little man says, "Aye, me laddie, I'm a leprechaun, and I can
grant you three wishes."
"Oh, wow!" comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"
"Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the
ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three wishes
if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick 'til I come." The man is a bit taken
aback, but agrees, realizing that the three wishes will be priceless. After
the tiny fellow has come, he starts to walk away.
The man exclaims, "Hey, what about my three wishes?"
Replies the leprechaun, "How old are you, me boy?"
"25."
"Aren't you a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?"
%
A young New York housewife was shocked by some of the language used by her
daughter. When asked about it, the daughter said she had learned it from
a small girl she played with in the park. The next day, the mother sought
out the little girl as she played in the park. "Are you the little girl
who uses bad words?"
"Who told you?"
"A little bird," answered the mother.
"Well, I like that!" exclaimed the small girl. "And I've been
feeding the little bastards, too!"
%
A young woman was afflicted with three brothers who had a friendly competition
as to who was the best practical joker. When she announced her marriage,
like all good brothers, they immediately found out where the honeymoon would
be and repaired there to do their worst, er, best. The brother who was a
carpenter went first, and came back out in five minutes. The brother who
worked as a plumber went second and was out in about half an hour. Finally,
the brother employed as a dentist went inside and came out almost immediately.
A few days after the start of their sister's honeymoon the brothers each
received a telegram from their sister. It read:
I liked the couch falling apart when we sat on it. I was amused
when the shower went cold five minutes after it started. But I'm
going to kill whoever put the novocaine into the KY jelly...
%
A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive.
%
AC/DC is a rock band.
-- Bisexuality, 101
%
Achilles' Biological Findings:
(1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity.
If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
(2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
-- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.
%
Adam's Law:
(1) Women don't know what they want;
they don't like what they have got.
(2) Men know very well what they want;
having got it, they begin to lose interest.
%
Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex,
and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it...
%
Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological advantages --
such as being able to claim 18 centimeters instead of seven inches.
%
ADULTERY:
Putting yourself in someone else's position.
%
Advertising is the most fun of anything you can do with your clothes on.
-- Mary Wells, advertising executive
%
After a few steamy dances and a few more drinks, the pickup couple
are back at his place tearing their clothes off. Things are really
starting to heat up when he leaps out of bed and starts frantically
rummaging through a dresser drawer.
"What are you doing?" she asks.
"Just a second, honey, I'm trying to find my lucky rubber."
%
After an evening at the theatre and several nightcaps at an intimate little
bistro, the young man whispered to his date, "How do you feel about making
love to men?"
"That's MY business," she snapped.
"Ah," he said. "A professional."
%
After cocktails in the Oak Room, the graying millionaire took the blond,
attractive, wholesome, winning young woman up to his suite. They chatted
for a while, and then kissed on the couch. A little fondling, some feeling
and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they
were in the wide, cool bed, naked together. They chatted more, established
a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying. The
girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good.
"Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could
be my own daughter." He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes.
"Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl
like you doing in a hotel like this?"
"Oh, about $2000 a week, with tips."
%
After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
%
After Joan and Max had been married for 25 years, Max became disinterested
in sex, and his libido began to wan dramatically. In desperation, Joan
hauled him to a marriage counselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints
and Max's protestations. Max claimed that he was being nagged unmercifully
to fulfill Joan's needs, and that after awhile every marriage tended to
become less physical. Joan said that that wasn't true and that she had
needs and desires that he, as her husband, was expected to fulfill. Finally,
the counselor issued the verdict. "Max," he said, "Everybody has to give a
little for a marriage to work. From now on, no matter how you feel at the
time, you must give Joan her conjugal rights at least semi-annually. And,
remember, do it in a loving, considerate manner; after all, you and your
wife are a partnership of love." Joan was delighted, and floated out of the
counselor's offices. On the way downstairs, she nudged Max.
"So, honey, tell me... how many times a week is semi-annually?"
%
After making a daring escape from the penitentiary, the convict eluded
bloodhounds and police roadblocks and dodged helicopter searchlights on
his way to see his wife. Finally sneaking in the back entrance, he knocked
on the door and smiled triumphantly as she opened it. "Where the hell have
you been?" she blared. "You busted out more than six hours ago!"
%
After repeatedly warding off her date's amorous advances during the evening,
the pretty young thing decided to put her foot down: "See here," she shouted
indignantly. "This is positively the last time I'm going to tell you `no'."
"Splendid!" exclaimed her date. "Now we can start making some
progress."
%
After rushing into a drugstore, the nervous young man was obviously
embarrassed when a prim thirty-ish woman asked if she could serve him.
"N-no," he stammered, "I'd like to see the druggist."
"I'm the druggist", she replied cheerfully.
"Oh.. well, uh, it's nothing important," he said, and turned to leave.
"Young man," said the woman, "my sister and I have been running this
drugstore for nearly ten years. There is nothing you can tell us that will
embarrass us.
"Well, all right," he said. "I have this awful sexual hunger that
nothing will appease. No matter how many times I make love, I still want to
make love again and again. Is there anything you can give me for it?"
"Just a moment," said the woman, "I'll have to discuss this with my
sister."
A few minutes later, she returned. "The best we can do," she said,
"is room and board and a half-interest in the business."
%
After spending a forbidden night on the town, two young nuns were trying
to sneak through the fence surrounding their Convent.
"You know," giggled one as she held the wire apart for the other
to crawl through, "I feel like a Marine."
"So do I," the other nun sighed, "but where are we going to
find one at three in the morning?"
%
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that
brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
-- Ronnie Shakes
%
After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
-- Joan Rivers
%
Ah spring, when a fancy young man lightly turns his lover over.
%
AI hackers do it robotically.
%
AI hackers do it with robots.
%
Al Gore resembled a Vulcan desperately in need of a blow job.
-- Bobcat Goldthwait
%
Alaska, where Moosehead isn't a beer, it's a misdemeanor.
Q: You know how to figure out if your lover's been "involved"?
A: Antler marks on their hips.
%
Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is intimate,
the third is routine. After that you just take the girl's clothes off.
-- Raymond Chandler
%
Alcoholics Anonymous is when you get to drink under someone else's name.
%
Alex came home from a business trip to Chicago and found no one home but his
daughter Rose, who was crying bitterly.
"What's the matter, darling?" asked Alex.
"Mommy almost died last night," sobbed Rose.
"That's nonsense," said the father. "Why do you say that?"
"Well," said Rose,"you always told us that when we die we'll see God;
so when I heard Mommy moaning last night I rushed to her bedroom and she was
screaming, "Oh God, here I come," and she would have but Uncle Jerry held her
down."
%
"Algorithms" is an anagram for "Hilt orgasm". Maybe this explains
the popularity of this field of study in computer science.
%
alimony, n:
Having an ex you can bank on.
%
All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ,
a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm place to shift.
%
All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell
them apart.
%
All I really want in life is a piece and some quiet.
%
All I want is a girl made of wood,
With fine-grained hair and carven knee.
She wouldn't drink and wouldn't smoke,
Oh, wooden tit be loverly?
-- Pinocchio
%
All jobs should be open to everybody, unless they actually require a
penis or a vagina.
-- Florynce Kennedy
There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis
or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
-- Gloria Steinem
%
All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most
injurious things against him, but we never hear his side.
-- Mark Twain
%
All the girls in France, do a hookie-kookie dance,
And you know the way they shake, is enough to fry a snake,
And the snake they fry, is enough to tell a lie,
And the lie they tell, is enough to go to
Hello, operator, give me number nine,
If you disconnect me, I'll kick you in the
Behind the 'frigerator, there was a piece of glass,
If you do not pick it up, I'll kick you in the
Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies,
This is what Lulu told me, just before she died.
She had a little brother, she named him Tiny Tim,
She put him in the potty, to see if he could swim.
He swam down to the bottom, he swam up to the top,
Lulu got disgusted, and flushed him down the pot.
-- Princess
%
All things dull and ugly, Each little snake that poisons,
All creatures short and squat, Each little wasp that stings,
All things rude and nasty, He made their brutish venom,
The Lord God made the lot; He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous, Each nasty little hornet,
All evil great and small, Each beastly little squid.
All things foul and dangerous, Who made the spikey urchin?
The Lord God made them all. Who made the sharks? He did.
All things scabbed and ulcerous,
All pox both great and small.
Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
The Lord God made them all.
-- Monty Python
%
All this big deal about white collar crime -- what's WRONG with white collar
crime? Who enjoys his job today? You? Me? Anybody? The only satisfying
part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time. Years ago
there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more
important jobs to come. Once you can be sold the myth that you may make
president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps. But nobody
believes he's going to be president anymore. The more people change jobs
the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for
a living and total stupefying boredom. So why NOT take revenge? You're not
going to find ME knocking a guy because he pads an expense account and his
home stationery carries the company emblem. Take away crime from the white
collar worker and you will rob him of his last vestige of job interest.
-- J. Feiffer
%
All work and no pay makes a housewife.
%
Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every
subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted
to a certain publicity and impartiality. All proffered samples of learning
must go to the same assay-room and be subjected to common tests. It is the
essence of all dogmatic faiths to hold that any such "show-down" is
sacrilegious and perverse. The characteristic of religion, from their point
of view, is that it is intellectually secret, not public; peculiarly revealed,
not generall known; authoritatively declared, not communicated and tested
in ordinary ways...It is pertinent to point out that, as long as religion
is conceived as it is now by the great majority of professed religionists,
there is something self-contradictory in speaking of education in religion
in the same sense in which we speak of education in topics where the method
of free inquiry has made its way. The "religious" would be the last to be
willing that either the history of the content of religion should be taught
in this spirit; while those to whom the scientific standpoint is not merely
a technical device, but is the embodiment of the integrity of mind, must
protest against its being taught in any other spirit.
-- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
%
Although a fifth-generation American, Father Sweeny was more Irish than most
of Erin's natives. He spoke with an Irish brogue which had mysteriously
appeared during his nineteenth year and he *hated* the English. Due to his
proclivity to belabor the British from his pulpit, complaints to his
superiors were not infrequent. He would blame anything evil or merely
inconvenient on the English people. If there was an act of terrorism, the
responsibility was promptly laid at the feet of the Brits. If there was a
natural disaster, undoubtedly the English government was an accessory to
the fact, if not outrightly culpable. Repeatedly, his superiors called him
on the carpet for his behavior. After a particularly vituperative
anti-British broadside, the Bishop instructed Father Sweeny to come straight
to his office; do not pass GO; do not collect two hundred dollars. Summing
up a humiliating and soul-marking reprimand, the Bishop ended with: "Next
week is Saint Patrick's Day. If you so much as *mention* the British, it's
your last sermon!"
The following Sunday, as Father Sweeny spoke lovingly and eloquently of
Saint Patrick, and he made a reference to the last Passover celebrated by
Christ and His disciples. "Sure, an' you're all familiar with the tale.
You know that Our Lord sat at the table and told his disciples that one
among them would betray Him. As He looked around the table, He stopped at
Peter, the Rock, who said, `Not I, Lord!' He looked at Thomas, who doubted,
and Thomas said, `I could never do such a thing!' Then the Lord looked long
and hard at Judas Iscariot, who said, `Cor, bloimy, Guv'na, you couldn't
main may!'"
%
Always talk to your wife while you're
making love... if there's a phone handy.
%
ambition, n:
An ant crawling up an elephant's leg with rape on his mind.
%
America ... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesman
with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing
anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.
-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign
Trail"
%
America cannot be sold a can of beer without
being offered a piece of pussy along with it.
-- Julius Lester
%
America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.
-- Allen Ginsberg
%
American culture is based on the automobile, and any young man of promise
is going to own one and want to travel great distances in it. Consequently,
any young woman of aspiration should expect to spend most of her vacations
in a car, probing into unfamiliar corners. She is not required to know how
to drive but she will certainly be expected to read the road map while her
husband drives, and if she can't, or if she's abnormally slow in giving him
help, she's bound to cause trouble. Therefore, you'd think that colleges
which train the bright young women who're going to marry the bright young
men who are going to own the Cadillacs that roar back and forth across this
continent would teach the girls to read maps. None do. They teach a hundred
other useless things, but never a word about the one that will cause the
greatest friction.
-- James Michener, "Space"
%
America's two greatest inventions are finger-fucking and carpet-bombing.
-- Lyndon B. Johnson
%
An 11 is a 10 who doesn't have headaches.
%
An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about
the happiness of life.
"To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a wonderful
dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching Monday Night
Football," the American said.
"You Americans are not romantic at all", the French injected, "Sharing
a beautiful evening with my lover, walking along the Seine river, and having a
romantic dinner on top of the Eiffel tower. That is happiness of life."
"You call those things happiness", the Vietnamese laughed, "then you
two still don't understand life at all. Imagine this. You are sleeping
soundly at night in Saigon. Then suddenly you hear loud knocks on your front
door. You hear loud voices, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, open the door!'. Quaking
with fear, you rush out and open the door. Right there, you see two secret
policemen ready to handcuff you. One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van
Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities. You are
being sent to the re-educational camp tonight!' Sweating profusely and
shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh
lives next door.' That moment is happiness in life, my friends.
%
An American businessman in London was given special visitor's privileges at an
exclusive men's club. Striding in one afternoon, the American approached the
only other man in the lounge and tried to strike up a conversation. "Care
for a cigar?" he asked.
"No, thank you," the Englishman replied. "I tried smoking once and
didn't like it."
"Would you care to join me in the bar for a drink, then?" the
businessman asked.
"No, thank you. I tried drinking once and it didn't agree with me."
"Well, how about a game of billiards?"
"Sorry. I tried it once and couldn't seem to get the hang of it."
As the American started to turn away, the Englishman said, "But my
son will be here shortly, and I'm sure he would enjoy a game with you."
"Your son? An only child, I presume."
%
An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife
dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there as the
visit to France was something they had longed for for many years. All
arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black
hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a
"chapeau noir." So off he goes to find a store open late.
First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur,
ou pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?"
The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking a bit, gives our
friend directions. The store -- if that is what it is -- looks a little seedy
and run down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our
hero. He speaks first:
"M'sieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir."
"Mais, monsieur, j'ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des
capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires. Pourquoi avez vous besoin d'un
capeau noir?"
"Ma femme est morte."
"O Monsieur! Quelle beau sentiment!"
%
An American walks into an Irish pub around lunchtime, and finds the place
is completely filled and there are no chairs available, with the exception
of one -- seating a Chihuahua next to a woman. He very politely asks her
if she would mind placing her dog on the floor for a few minutes while he
got a quick bite to eat.
"I most certainly would!", the woman haughtily replies. "Little
Fifi *always* sits next to me at lunchtime and there she will stay!"
Whereupon, the American picks up the Chihuahua, throws it out of
an open window and takes the seat.
An Irishman, watching the whole encounter, walks over, taps the
American on the shoulder and says, "Mate, I guess I never will understand
you Americans. You drink your beer cold, drive on the right side of the
street, and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window!"
%
An Army travels on her stomach.
%
An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized
logical mind -- a little jolt never hurt. Note that the anarchists have
been saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization.
-- Encyclopedia Apocryphia
%
An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's
chance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the
Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone
who has seen the Managing Director face on).
-- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout"
%
And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve? The judgement of God
upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of
criminal at the bar of justice.
-- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer
%
...And have you ever noticed that you never see the Father, the Son, and
the Holy Ghost partying together at the same time? Oh, sure, everybody
talks like they aren't the same person, but I wonder...
%
And having stretched me out upon his bed with my head a little to one side,
he sat down next to me and raised my head upon his lap. He peered avidly at
me, his eyes seemed ready to devour the secretion oozing from my nose. "Oh,
the pretty little snotface," said he, beginning to pant, "How I'm going to
suck her." Therewith bending down over me, and taking my nose in his mouth,
not only did he devour all the mucus between my nose and mouth, but he even
lewdly darted the tip of his tongue into each of my nostrils, one after the
other, and with such cleverness he provoked two or three sneezes which
redoubled the flow he desired and was consuming so hungrily. But ask me for
no details bearing upon this fellow, Messieurs, nothing appeared, and whether
because he did nothing, or because he did it all in his drawers, there was
nothing to be seen, and amidst the multitude of his kisses and lecherous
lickings there was nothing outstanding which might have denoted an ecstasy,
and consequently it is my opinion that he did not discharge. All my clothes
were in place, even his hands stayed still, and I give you my word that this
old libertine's fantasy might be performed upon the world's most repectable
and least initiated girl without her being able to suppose there was anything
lewd in it at all.
-- Marquis de Sade
%
And now, the Bing Crosby show, brought to you by the makers of Ex-Lax.
... a brief pause, and then Bing!
%
And on the third day, Christ arose, pushed aside the rock that had served
as the tomb door, and walked again on the earth.
And as he departed, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left
open. "What's the matter with you?" he said. "Born in a barn?"
%
And prively he caughte hire by the queynte,
And heeld hire harde by the haunche-bones.
--Geoffrey Chaucer, The Miller's Tale
%
And so it goes. It is humiliating, when you should know better, to become
victim of the timeless story of the little brown dog running across the
freight yard, crossing all the railroad tracks until a switch engine nipped
off the end of his tail between wheel and rail. The little dog yelped, and
he spun so quickly to check himself out that the next wheel chopped through
his little brown neck. The moral is, of course, never lose your head over
a piece of tail.
-- John D. MacDonald, "The Scarlet Ruse"
%
And the northern lights commenced to glow.
And she said, with a tear in her eye,
"Watch out where the huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow."
-- Frank Zappa, "The Story of Nanook and the Fur Trapper"
%
And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought
he was melting...
%
"And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he came
upon his wife in bed with another man. The wife turned and smiled at her
companion.
"See?" she said. "I told you he was stupid!"
%
Another greeting card category consists of those persons who send out
photographs of their families every year. In the same mail that brought the
greetings from Marcia and Philip, my friend found such a conversation piece.
"My God, Lida is enormous!" she exclaimed. I don't know why women want to
record each year, for two or three hundred people to see, the ravages wrought
upon them, their mates, and their progeny by the artillery of time, but
between five and seven per cent of Christmas cards, at a rough estimate, are
family groups, and even the most charitable recipient studies them for little
signs of dissolution or derangement. Nothing cheers a woman more, I am afraid,
than the proof that another woman is letting herself go, or has lost control
of her figure, or is clearly driving her husband crazy, or is obviously
drinking more than is good for her, or still doesn't know what to wear.
Middle-aged husbands in such photographs are often described as looking
"young enough to be her son," but they don't always escape so easily, and a
couple opening envelopes in the season of mercy and good will sometimes handle
a male friend or acquaintance rather sharply. "Good Lord!" the wife will say.
"Frank looks like a sex-crazed shotgun slayer, doesn't he?" "Not to me," the
husband may reply. "to me he looks more like a Wilkes-Barre dentist who is
being sought by the police in connection with the disappearance of a choir
singer."
-- James Thurber, "Merry Christmas"
%
Another nun joke!!!
You see, three nuns were walking down the street, when suddenly
this flasher jumped out in front of them and opened his trench coat,
exposing his all to the sisters. Well, two of the nuns had strokes right
there, but the third nun wouldn't touch it.
%
Another stupid gay joke!!!
You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry
daiquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't
serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come
in and kick your ass?"
The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo
thurstay...."
Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer
on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon
as he's done. A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the
bar. He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could
lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!"
From the back of the bar comes the cry... "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!"
%
anxiety, n:
The first time you can't do it a second time.
panic, n:
The second time you can't do it the first time.
%
Any girl who believes that the way to a man's heart is through
his stomach is obviously setting her standards too high.
%
Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.
%
Anything more than three shakes is for fun.
%
APL hackers take all they want.
%
Apple owners do it with mice!
%
APPOINTMENT BOOK:
The reference of last resort when trying to duck undesired
invitations ("Gee, the soonest I can pencil you in is
December, 2004"), or when trying to figure out what the hell
it was you did during the past year.
%
Are there those in the land of the brave
Who can tell me how I should behave
When I am disgraced
Because I erased
A file I intended to save?
%
ARIES (Mar. 21 to Apr. 19)
Be cheerful today. People who don't like you will outnumber those
who do. You have warts. Focus on domestic status, financial matters,
and venereal disease. Look for involvement with Libra or Aquarius
natives; probably a fistfight with one of each.
%
Arkansas:
Where the men are men, so are the women and the sheep run scared.
%
As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless;
and considering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to
be childless.
The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is,
doubtless, a separation.
-- Lord Chesterfield, letter to his son, 1763
%
As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that
sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out? Even if it
was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed.
%
As long as your ass is pointed at the ground, don't fuck with me.
%
As my dear auntie used to say, "Love makes the world go 'round, but sex
makes the ride fun."
%
As near as I can tell, you're not any crazier
than the average asshole on the street.
-- R.P. McMurphy, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"
%
As part of an equal opportunity project, a memo was sent to all the offices
within External Affairs asking for "A list of all employees broken down by
sex."
One of the memos was returned with the notation: "I'm sorry: we
know of nobody in this office who fits your criteria. We do, however,
have two alcoholics."
%
As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept
saying "Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with
one of his patients," but another voice kept reminding me, "Howard,
you're a veterinarian."
%
As the Catholic church becomes more and more tolerant, some day they will
have to consider the possibility of a gay pope. Possibly the largest
issue will be having to decide whether he is "absolutely divine" or "just
simply marvelous."
%
As the recent sightings of bumper stickers reading "IN CASE OF RAPTURE, THIS
VEHICLE WILL BE UNMANNED" have created a great deal of confusion, Fortune
offers the following excerpts from the 1989 printing of the State of Maryland
Driver's Handbook:
If you notice a glorious light in the sky, a sound as of an infinite
choir of unearthly voices, and a host of winged beings descending from the
heavens, do not panic. If you are on the freeway, move to the shoulder as
soon as it is safe to do so, activate your hazard blinkers, and wait for the
end of the world. If you are Saved, it is especially important that you do
this BEFORE you are carried to your Eternal Reward, in order that your vehicle
not become a hazard to others. Remember, Rapture is the number one cause of
automobile accidents during major spiritual upheavals. You may experience a
feeling of discorporation ("being pulled from one's body") while driving. To
ensure the safety of your passengers and other drivers, move to the shoulder
as soon as you notice any of the following symptoms:
-- An overwhelming sense of peace and happiness.
-- Visions of the faces of deceased family members.
-- A glorious figure in white, beckoning from the end of a tunnel of
white mist (do not confuse this with traffic control or maintenance officers,
who wear dark blue and safety orange.)
Once the feeling has passed, inspect your surroundings. If still in
your car, you have probably suffered a stroke and should have someone drive
you to a hospital at once. If you find yourself in the Kingdom of God, consult
the local officials for information on local traffic rules and regulations.
%
As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two
figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road. The driver blew
his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking,
oblivious to his warnings. The truck finally slid to a halt barely three
inches from the pair. "Are you crazy?" the driver screamed at them. "You
could have been killed!"
The man stood up and faced the driver. "Well, I was coming, she was
coming and you were coming," he panted, "and you were the only one with
brakes."
%
As they say about Dungeons and Dragons, "Life's a die, and then you bitch."
%
Ask your boss to reconsider --
It's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer.
%
Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, "The way I look at it,
she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds."
-- David Letterman
%
ASS:
The masculine of "lass".
%
Ass, grass or gas... nobody rides for free!
%
Assassins do it from behind.
%
At her annual checkup, the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that
it's necessary to take her temperature rectally. She agrees and bends over
the examining table, but a few seconds later says indignantly, "Doctor, that's
NOT my rectum!"
"Madam," says the doctor, "that's not my thermometer!"
Just then, the woman's husband, hearing her voice, comes into the
room. "Just what the hell is going on here?" he demands.
"I'm taking your wife's temperature," the doctor cooly replies.
"Okay, doc, you know best," says the husband as he picks a scalpel
off the doctor's desk, "but when that thing comes out, it better have
numbers on it!"
%
At last, the first Soviet, artificially intelligent computer had been produced.
The engineers did not get it, nor the physicists. First things first: it went
to the institute of Marxism-Leninism.
"IS IT POSSIBLE TO BUILD SOCIALISM IN SWITZERLAND?" typed in one of the
theologians.
"YES," replied the computer. "BUT IT WOULD BE SUCH A PITY TO DESTROY
SUCH A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY."
%
At twenty-six, Kate, though not promiscuous, had slept with most of the
decent men in public life.
-- Renata Adler
%
Attractive bisexual young woman seeks same for high mellow times.
%
Australia's a lovely land
It's full of bonza blokes,
Sheilas, beer and no-one's queer
Except in Pommie jokes.
Australians are lovely chaps
They're God's own chosen race.
If they ever see a fairy Pom
They'll smash him in the face.
Australians like dressing up
In skirts and having fun
And that's all we were doing
When the Vice Squad came along.
-- Monty Python
%
A-Z affectionately,
1 to 10 alphabetically,
from here to eternity without in betweens,
still looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world,
sales talk from sales assistants
when all i want to do is lower your resistance,
no rhythm in cymbals no tempo in drums,
love's on arrival,
she comes when she comes,
right on the target but wide of the mark...
%
B4 I4Q, RU/18 QT 3.14
%
Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect.
-- Nicolas Chamfort
%
Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-
blooded born and bred Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-slicker
kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll
give you $10 for a blow job."
The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and
killed the city-slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank
you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"
Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell!
No tenderfoot is gonna come 'round here raisin' the price of women in Texas!"
%
Balls Law:
The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat
of the meat provided that the thrusts of the busts are constant.
%
BALTIMORE:
Where the women wear turtleneck
sweaters to hide their flea collars.
%
Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
%
Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed.
Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed.
Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
Unless you get a good percentage of her price.
-- Tom Lehrer
%
BEAT ME, BITE ME, WHIP ME, FUCK ME!!!
%
Beat me, bite me, whip me, fuck me, make me write bad checks!
%
Beauty, n:
The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.
%
Because woman's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or
repetitious and we're the first to get the sack and what we look like is
more important than what we do and if we get raped it's our fault and if we
get bashed we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're nagging
bitches and if we enjoy sex nymphos and if we don't we're frigid and if we
love women it's because we can't get a "real" man and if we ask our doctor
too many questions we're neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect community
care for children we're selfish and if we stand up for our rights we're
aggressive and "unfeminine" and if we don't we're typical weak females and
if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're
unnatural and because we still can't get an adequate safe contraceptive but
men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're
made to feel guilty about abortion and... for lots and lots of other reasons
we are part of the women's liberation movement.
%
Bedfellows make strange politicians.
%
beef stroganoff, n:
A bull masturbating.
%
"Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiance, "I want to
confess some affairs that I've had in the past."
"But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man
replied.
"Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago."
%
Beifeld's Principle:
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive
young female increases by pyramidical progression when he
is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a
better-looking and richer male friend.
-- R. Beifeld
%
Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals.
To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
%
Bend over and take it like a man!
%
Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
For her life held no terrors.
A virgin born, a virgin died:
No hits, no runs, no errors.
%
Beneath this stone lies Murphy,
They buried him today,
He lived the life of Riley,
While Riley was away.
%
Benny Hill: Would you like a peanut?
Girl: No, thank you, I don't want to be under obligation.
Benny Hill: You won't be under obligation for a peanut.
It's not as if it were a chocolate bar or something.
%
Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda.
%
BETTER LATE THAN NEVER:
The single girl's motto.
%
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
-- Mae West
%
Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
%
Bi now, gay later!
%
Big Toe: The pad of the male big toe applied to the clitoris or the vulva
generally is a magnificent erotic instrument. The famous gentleman in erotic
prints who is keeping six women occupied is using tongue, penis, both hands,
and both big toes. Use the toe in mammary or armpit intercourse or any time
you are astride her, or sit facing as she lies or sits. Make sure the nail
isn't sharp. In a restaurant, in these days of tights one can surreptitiously
remove a shoe and sock, reach over, and keep her in almost continuous orgasm
with all four hands fully in view on the table top and no sign of contact--
A party trick which really rates as advanced sex. She has less scope, but
can learn to masturbate him with her two big toes. The toes are definitely
erogenic areas, and can be kissed, sucked, tickled, or tied with stimulating
results.
-- The Joy of Sex
[Avoid armpit intercourse when razor stubble is present. Ed.]
%
Bill and Jim were walking home from work. As they walked along, they
discussed their wives' spending habits. "I don't understand how women
can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed. "I mean, understand, she
don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!"
%
Birth, copulation and death.
That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks;
Birth, copulation and death.
-- T.S. Elliot, "Sweeney Agonistes"
%
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
-- Woody Allen
%
Bitch, bitch, bitch --
That's all I ever hear,
Ever since the dog ate the baby,
"Get rida the dog, get rida the dog."
%
Blow it out your ass!
%
Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in plain
sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has it that St.
Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was arrested for drunk
driving. The snakes left because people kept throwing up on them.
%
BOHICA:
Bend over, here it comes again.
%
Bondage, or as the French call it, ligottage, is the gentle art of tying up
your sex partner --- not to overcome reluctance but to boost orgasm. It's
one unscheduled sex technique which a lot of people find extremely exciting
but are scared to try, and a venerable human resource for increasing sexual
feeling, partly because it's a harmless expression of sexual aggression --
something we badly need, our culture being very uptight about it -- and more
because of its physical affects: slow orgasm when unable to move is a
mind-blowing experience for anyone not too frightened of their own aggressive
self to try it.
-- The Joy of Sex
%
Bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous
Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years.
%
Brain on vacation, penis on autopilot.
%
Breakfast sometime?
Sure.
Shall I call you or just nudge you?
%
Bridget O'Flaherty McHugh
Held venal traffic with a gnu.
Mistaking fore for aft one morn
Impaled herself upon its horn.
Moral: Those who seek high ends should shun
our furred and feathered friends.
%
Brigands will demand your money or
your life, but a woman will demand both.
-- Samuel Butler
%
Bringing your mate to a convention is like taking a game warden hunting.
%
Britain has lowered the tax on chastity belts by about 60 cents each...
[reclassifying them] as a safety device rather than... clothing
-- NY Times
%
Brother Jim's recent appearance on the William and Mary campus this past
week was cut short by an ingenious device designed by two computer science
students. A three-foot bar of extruded aluminum was precisely machined,
with a hole milled down the center of precisely the dimensions of one of
the small Gideon bibles. The end capped off, a CO2 canister was connected
to provide up to 2,000 PSIG. Preliminary estimates during field testing
revealed a muzzle velocity of approximarly 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting
the tube. Sufficient ammunition was obtained during a previous visit to
campus by another religious organization, and the system was first used on
Brother Jim, who suffered a broken rib and numerous small bruises, in
addition to the usual humiliation.
%
brunette bush, n:
The dark side of the moon.
%
bug, n:
A son of a glitch.
%
Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee
Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was the new bait.
The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about
cheese, except mice. But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with
tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped.
-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
%
"But if it's 80% glucose, then why does it taste salty?"
-- Anonymous med school student.
%
But they'll never mechanize me -- not me!
Said Charlotte, the Louisville harlot.
-- S.I. Hayakawa
%
But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
-- Virginia Masters, of Master & Johnson
%
Buy old masters. They fetch better prices than old mistresses.
-- Lord Beaverbrook
%
By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
%
CAD:
A man who doesn't tell his wife
that he's sterile until she's pregnant.
%
CALIFORNIA:
From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English 'calorie' or
Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual intercourse" or
"fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
-- Ed Moran, Covina, California
%
Call for Ms. Lingus, Ms. Connie Lingus...
%
callgirl, n:
A negotiable blond.
%
Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
%
Camille's Axiom:
If you haven't asked yourself, "Why the hell did
I go to college anyway?", you must be teaching.
%
Canada is so square even the female impersonators are women.
-- From the movie "Outrageous"
%
CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems.
They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off.
That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare
recipients are Cancer people.
%
Candy
Is dandy
But liquor
Is quicker.
-- Ogden Nash, "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
Fortune updates the great quotes: #53.
Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker,
and sex won't rot your teeth.
%
Captain Hook died of jock itch.
%
"Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty,"
the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructed his
client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is
a hole in the ground."
%
Catholicism has changed tremendously in the recent years. Now when
Communion is served there is also a salad bar.
-- Bill Marr
%
Ce livre est dedie a Chagrin, This book is dedicated to Chagrin,
Qui fit un petit mannequin: Who fashioned a small doll:
Sans bras et tout noir, Without arms and all black,
Il etait affreux voir; It was horrible sight;
En effet, absolument la fin. In effect, the absolute end.
-- Edward Gorey
%
Chaste makes waste.
%
Chastity:
The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
-- Aldous Huxley
%
CHASTITY BELT:
An anti-trust suit.
(And an unchivalrous knight is the one that files it.)
%
Chastity is its own punishment.
%
Chicago has journalists' bars, ethnic bars, neighborhood bars, even midget
bars, hundreds, maybe thousands of bars, on on every neighborhood block.
I was drinking on afternoon in O'Rourke's, a bar on the Near North side.
It was dark and empty, which suited my mood. A fat, stubble-bearded,
middle-aged man waddled in, took the stool next to mine, and ordered a
beer. He was completely unremarkable, except that he was dressed, head
to toe, in a white-lace wedding gown. After a silence, I said, "Been to
a wedding?"
He brushed back his veil, rustled his petticoats and said, "Uh...
yeah."
He silently finished his drink and left. The bartender said, "You
know, even the transvestites in this town have five o'clock shadows."
%
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost ripping up your nose
Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
And folks dressed up like buffaloes
Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
Helps to make the season right
Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
Will find it hard to see tonight
They know that Santa's on his way
He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
And every mother's child is sure to spy
To see if reindeer really scream when they die
And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety two
Although it's been said many times, many ways
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
%
Chorus:
I don't want to join the army, I don't want to go to war,
I'd rather sit around, pickin' dillies off the ground,
And livin' off the favors of a 'igh-born lady.
I don't want a bullet up me arse 'ole,
I don't want me pecker blown away,
I'd rather live in England, in jolly, sunny, England,
And fornicate me bloody life away!!
Monday I touched her on the ankle,
Tuesday I touched her on the knee,
And Wednesday after Mass, I lifted up her dress,
And Thursday I saw you know what,
Friday I put me 'and upon it,
Saturday she gave me balls a tweak [tweak, tweak]
And Sunday after supper, I ran me fucker up 'er,
And now she pays me forty quid a week!
Oh, blimey...
[chorus]
%
CHRIST:
A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
%
Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not
committing them?
-- Jules Feiffer
%
CHRISTIAN:
One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
book, admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
CHRISTIAN:
One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far
as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
%
Christianity and Judaism aren't all that different, really. Growing up in
a Christian family, the feeling of guilt for Man's sins comes from God.
In a Jewish family, it comes from your parents.
%
CHRISTMAS:
A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry
salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best
response time of the entire year.
%
CHRISTMAS:
A time when each of us gets to reflect upon what we each most
deeply and sincerely believe in. Money. At the mall of our
choice.
%
Christmas comes but once a year,
A time for love and laughter;
You can come much more than that,
But you have to clean up after.
%
Cinderella 10:
A woman who sucks and fucks 'til midnight and
then turns into a pizza and a six-pack.
%
Clark Kent is a transvestite.
%
Clarke's Third Law:
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
magic.
G's Third Law:
In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
H's Dictum:
There is no magic ...
%
Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck,
and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary.
-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
%
Cleveland still lives. God MUST be dead.
%
clitoris, n:
A haired trigger.
%
CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
Oh, give me a clone
Of my own flesh and bone
With the Y chromosome changed to X.
And when she is grown,
My very own clone,
We'll be of the opposite sex.
Chorus:
Clone, clone of my own,
With the Y chromosome changed to X.
And when we're alone,
Since her mind is my own,
She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
-- Randall Garrett
%
Close the door, let me give you what you've been waiting for!!
%
COCAINE:
The thinking man's Dristan.
%
Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
%
Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
%
Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know -- I've been using it for years.
-- Tallulah Bankhead
%
Cocaine: using tomorrow's energy today.
%
Cocaine's a joke!
(Who's got the next line?)
%
cock-sucker, n:
Someone who got caught doing what you got away with.
%
Coffee without caffeine. Beer without alcohol. Milk without fat.
What's next? Bridal suites with bunk beds?
-- Orben's Current Comedy
%
Coito ergo sum
%
coitus interruptus, n:
A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner)
"I want to have your child."
%
Coitus is punishment for the happiness of being together. Live as
ascetically as possible... that is the only possible way for me to
endure marriage. But she?
-- Franz Kafka
%
COLD:
When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
%
cold, adj:
When your dog sticks to the fire hydrant.
%
College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in,
and nine months later you wish you'd never come.
%
Come along and sing a song and join our family.
B & D
S & M
Post to A.S.B.!
Rope and leather, cuffs and cats, and toys from JTT.
B & D
S & M
Post to A.S.B.!
A.S.B.!
(A.S.B.!)
A.S.B.!
(A.S.B.!)
Come on now, let's try another tie!
(Tie! Tie! Tie!)
All the kinky folks are here, and some on IRC.
B & D
S & M
Post on A.S.B.!
-- To the Mickey Mouse March
%
Come on, Virginia, don't make me wait!
Catholic girls start much too late,
Ah, but sooner or later, it comes down to fate,
I might as well be the one.
Well, they showed you a statue, told you to pray,
Built you a temple and locked you away,
Ah, but they never told you the price that you paid,
The things that you might have done.
So come on, Virginia, show me a sign,
Send up a signal, I'll throw you a line,
That stained glass curtain that you're hiding behind,
Never lets in the sun.
Darling, only the good die young!
-- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
%
Come up and see me sometime. Come Wednesday, that's amateur night.
-- Mae West
%
COMMENT:
A superfluous element of a source program included so the
programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing
six months later. Only the weak-minded need them, according
to those who think they aren't.
%
Communists do it without class.
%
Computer scientists are programmed to do it by macro insertion.
%
computerfirm nymphomaniac, n:
Hot Apple pie.
%
Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
[Taking a shower in raincoat? Ed.]
%
Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphragms.
-- Robin Williams
%
Confucius say:
man who lay girl on hill, not on level.
man who pull out too fast leave rubber.
man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
modern house without toilet uncanny.
man with athletic finger make broad jump
woman should not marry basketball players -- they dribble before
they shoot.
man who sleep in road wake up with run-down feeling.
woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, may get tit bit.
child conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission
turn out to be shiftless bastard.
a smart man knows on which side his broad is better.
man who arrives late to party will find himself beaten to the punch!
%
Confucius say:
man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs.
man and mouse the same, both end up in pussy.
boy who play with himself pulls boner.
woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary.
man who marry girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
man who lie under car, get tired -- man who stand behind car,
get exhausted.
%
Confucius say:
woman who put man in dog house find him in cat house.
woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, have off-spring
next spring.
man who kiss girl's behind, get crack in face.
passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
man who kicked in testicles get left holding bag.
man who suck nipples make clean breast of things.
woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine.
woman's virginity like balloon, one prick and all gone.
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best.
squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
eplileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one.
seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
%
Confucius say:
woman who ride bicycle peddle ass around town.
fool man climb tree to get cherries; wise man spread limbs.
woman who fly upside down in airplane have big crack up.
man who live in glass house should bathe in the basement.
man who make love on ground have piece on Earth.
man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key.
man who fights with wife all day, gets not peace at night.
man who make oral love to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.
man with head up ass have shitty outlook on life.
man who streak unsuited for work.
woman who bathe in vinegar have sour puss.
man who beat off in car have hot rod.
%
CONFUSION:
One woman plus one left turn.
EXCITEMENT:
Two women plus one secret.
BEDLAM:
Three women plus one bargain.
CHAOS:
Four women plus one luncheon check.
%
confusion, n:
Father's Day in San Francisco.
%
CONSULTANT:
Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
%
continental breakfast, n:
A roll in bed with some honey.
%
Coors, n:
Like making love in a canoe -- fucking close to water.
%
Copa-ulation:
(to the tune of Copacabana)
Her name was Lola, she was a bimbo, with yellow streamers in her hair,
She wore see-through underwear, she'd go to discos, and do the go-go,
And while she tried to be star, Tony jacked off on the bar,
And when the dance was done, his hand was full of come,
His favorite drink is cream in coffee,
Won't you order one?
At the Copa, Copa-ulation ...
Her name was Lola, she was a show-girl,
But that was thirty years ago, when she still could slurp and blow,
Now she's a sado, but not for Tony, still in her chains and leather gown,
She ties Rico to the ground, and fucks that boy half-blind,
But Rico, he don't mind, there are whips and a lot of beatings,
But a real good time ...
%
Couples in motion have moments.
%
courage, n:
Two cannibals having oral sex.
%
Cover your stump before you hump.
Before you attack her, wrap your wacker.
Don't be silly... protect your Willie.
Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
If you're not going to sack it, go home and wack it.
-- National Condom Week
%
Cox's philosophy:
Life's a bitch, then you die.
%
coyote love, n:
Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is
the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles
bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping
on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you
chew off your arm at the shoulder.
coyote ugly, adj:
When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for
a one-armed man!
%
coyote love, n:
Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is
the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles
bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping
on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you
chew off your arm at the shoulder.
coyote ugly, adj:
When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for
a one-armed man!
See also proof that average instantaneous beauty increases monotonically
as alcohol consumption increases and time, t, approaches last call.
%
"Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple
and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and
because good teachers understand exactly why it is false. What could be
more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our
entire intellectual heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing
honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment
to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any
general understanding of science as an enterprise?
-- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Skeptical Inquirer"
%
crew, n:
Eight big men and their cute little cox.
%
Crinklaw's Observation:
Nowadays the order of life is reversed: Sex is first enjoyed,
marriage follows, and after marriage comes abstinence.
%
Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness.
%
Curiousity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
%
Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-studies text,
"what did you do during the sexual revolution?"
"Well, son," his father confided, "I guess you could say I was
captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes."
%
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true,
Daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw?
I really must beg your pardon,
But I've got a hell of a hard-on,
From beating my meat, against the seat,
Of a bicycle built for two.
-- "Daisy, Daisy", "The Dirty Song Book"
%
Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead.
%
Dames lie about anything -- just for practice.
-- Raymond Chandler
%
Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you?
FIRST you rape, THEN you pillage!!
%
Damned if I know. And you can be fuckin' sure I'll never rent no car
from Avis again.
-- Herbie Sperling, on the meaning of two pistols and an
axe used in three murders being found in the trunk of his
rented car.
If you guys have a beef with her, that's her problem. Don't lay it on
me. The old lady has to take care of her own weight.
-- Herbie Sperling, convicted heroin dealer, on being
arrested for narcotics possession at his mother's house.
At his sentencing, Herbie Sperling proved that he was the all-time
stand-up guy.
Sperling's lawyer made a lengthy, impassioned plea for his client.
He talked of mercy, justice, humanity to fellow men who have chosen the wrong
path. Yes, the crimes were serious, yes, Mr. Sperling deserves a prison
sentence, but the maximum sentence was not warranted.
Then the judge turned to Sperling. "Mr. Sperling, is there anything
you wish to say?"
"Yes, Your Honor. If you think I'm going to beg for mercy, you've
got another think coming. You're all a bunch of fucking fascist cocksuckers,
you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..."
-- Gregory Wallace, "Papa's Game"
%
Dance is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention.
%
Dave has an aeroplane,
In which he likes to frisk.
Oh what a foolish boy,
His silly *.
%
David was just a shepherd who liked to get his rocks off in leather.
%
Dear Abby:
I have two brothers. One was sent to the electric chair when I was
a child. My mother died in an insane asylum. My father is a pimp and my
sister is a very successful and highly paid prostitute. My other brother
is a graduate student attending Purdue University.
Recently I met a wonderful girl who has just been released from prison
for murdering her illegitimate child with a Zip-loc sandwich bag. We're very
much in love and want to be married after her venereal disease is cured.
My problem is this: should I tell her about my brother at Purdue?
Sincerely,
Undecided.
%
Dear Abby:
I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously. I
think she's the one for me. There's just one problem: I can't remember
from our first date if she told me she had TB or VD. What should I do?
--Confused
Dear Confused:
If she coughs, fuck her.
%
Dear Ann Landers:
I have a problem. I have two brothers; one works for the Illinois
Bell Telephone Company, the other brother was just sentenced to death
in the electric chair for murder. My mother died from insanity when
I was three years old. My two sisters are prostitutes and my father
sells narcotics.
I recently met girl who was just released from a reformatory where
she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love
this girl and want to marry her. My problem is this -- dare I tell her
about my brother who works for Illinois Bell?
-- Confused.
%
Dear Ann Landers:
My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday. He claims
one minister said there are 350 different sins. My husband wants to
know if you can get the list. He thinks he is missing something.
-- E.J. Mayfield
%
Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
This visage meek and humble,
And hear this confidential plea
Voiced in reverent mumble:
Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
-- Ansel Adams
%
Dear Miss Manners:
Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face.
Gentle Reader:
Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face.
If the gentleman sprayed you inadvertently to accompany enthusiastic
discourse, you may step back two paces, bring out your handkerchief,
and go through the motions of wiping your nose, while trailing the cloth
along your face to pick up whatever needs mopping along the route. If,
however, the substance was acquired as a result of enthusiasm of a more
intimate nature, you may delicately retrieve it with a flick of your
pink tongue.
%
Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma, this
telegram was sent from a wife to her husband:
"NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER COME HOME AT ONCE."
%
Desperate because her husband hadn't made love to her in months, a lonely
housewife finally mustered her courage and went to their doctor for advice.
The doctor was very sympathetic and wrote out a prescription for pills that
were guaranteed to rekindle the husband's ardor in a big way. "They'll make
him horny as hell," the doctor confided, "but they're very potent, so just
put one in whatever he's drinking."
Upon arriving home, the woman left the pills on the kitchen counter
and dashed off to the supermarket. It didn't take long before the cat jumped
up, knocked them over onto the floor, and ate a couple, as did the family
dog. And when the husband got home with a headache, he took a few thinking
they were aspirin.
When the housewife returned, she was horrified to see the dog humping
the cat and the cat jumping all over the dog, but even stranger was the sight
of her husband with his penis inside the pencil sharpener on the counter.
"What in heaven's name are you doing, John?" she cried.
"See that mosquito?" he replied.
%
Dial 911. Make a cop come.
%
diaphragm, n:
A childproof cap.
%
dicker, v:
What you do to your wife if arguing doesn't work.
%
Did Detroit invent the back seat to destroy the morals of America?
-- Ed Sanders
%
Did you hear about...
the butcher who dropped his cleaver and went home half-cocked?
%
Did you hear about...
the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
%
Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother
her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't
ask it again. He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that
she wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again. The next
question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced. Once again, she told
him that it was not a question he should ask and to not ask that question
again.
Some time later, she found him looking through her purse. Sharply
asking him what he was doing resulted in him beamingly telling her that he
had found the answers to all of his questions!
"Mom", he said, "your driver's license says you're 34 years old, weigh
125 pounds, and you and Daddy probably divorced 'cause you got an 'F' in sex!"
%
Did you hear about the nearsighted fetishist who got off on the wrong foot?
%
Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
%
Did you hear they cancelled Easter this year?
Found the body.
%
Did you know that some people your age have sex
thirty-seven times in a week? And die immediately after?
%
Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"?
%
Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
%
Dig it, first they killed those pigs, then they ate dinner in the same
room with them, then they even shoved a fork in a victim's stomach. Wild!
-- Bernadine Dohrn, on the Manson killings
%
Disclaimer of the Week:
Any Society Which Requires Disclaimers Has Too Many Goddamn Lawyers.
%
Disillusioned words like bullets bark,
As human gods aim for their mark,
Make everything from toy guns that spark
To flesh-colored christs that glow in the dark.
It's easy to see without looking too far
That not much is really sacred.
%
Distributed Systems people do it loosely coupled.
%
DIVE!!! DIVE!!! DIVE!!!
UP PERISCOPE!!!
(Ooops, sorry, wrong fantasy.)
%
divorce, n:
A change of wife.
%
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
%
Do married women make the best wives?
%
Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the first
step. The second is justification of herself by accusation of you.
-- DeGourmont
%
Do not rejoice in his defeat, you men,
For though the world stood up
And stopped the bastard,
The bitch that bore him is in heat again.
-- Bertolt Brecht
%
Do something big -- fuck a giant.
%
"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Who else?" answered the patient.
%
Do you smoke after sex?
Why, do you know, I've never looked!
%
Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
%
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very,
very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
-- Dick Brandon
%
Does he treat your breasts like unripe grapefruit? Who needs him?
-- `J', "The Sensuous Woman"
%
Does it rape elephants?
-- Brent Byer
%
Doing business with the government is like fucking sheep.
It's easy, but it's not very satisfying.
%
Don't accept rides from strange men -- and remember that all men
are strange as hell.
-- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful"
%
Don't dip your wick in a WAC,
Don't ride the breast of a WAVE,
Just sit in the sand
And do it by hand,
And buy bonds with the money you save.
%
Don't forget to support the ERA apersonment.
%
Don't get the idea that I'm one of those goddamn radicals. Don't get the
idea that I'm knocking the American system.
-- Al Capone
%
Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love.
-- Woody Allen
%
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.
-- Woody Allen
%
Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
-- Bo Diddley
%
Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!!
%
Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse.
%
Dope will get you through times of no money
better than money will get you through times of no dope!
-- Freewheelin' Franklin, "The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers"
%
Down by the old model T,
Where she first showed it to me.
It was furry and black,
And she called it a crack,
But it looked like a manhole to me.
%
Draft beer, not boys!
%
Dry fucking: that's man on top of woman, the action is the same as fucking,
but you're dressed. It's great for the girl... you're hitting and rubbing
exactly the area that you ought to be... I still like that.
-- Grace Slick
%
Due to a mixup in urology, orange juice will not be served this morning.
%
Dull women have immaculate homes.
%
During the darkest days of World War II, when each night brought waves of
Luftwaffe bombers raining death and destruction on a near-defenseless London,
Prime Minister Churchill went on the air to address the British people. "I
read this morning's paper that Herr Hitler plans to wring England's neck like
that of a chicken," he began, "and I was reminded of what the Irish poacher
said as he stood on the gallows. It seems the poor fellow was approached by a
well-meaning if somewhat overzealous priest who, in horrific detail, described
the unfading torments of Hades which awaited him if he did not repent of his
misdeeds. The condemned man listened patiently to all that the priest had to
say, and when he was done, grinned broadly and replied, 'Eat it raw, fuzz
nuts.'"
-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
%
dyke, n:
A woman who kick-starts her vibrator. And rolls her own
tampons.
%
Dyslexia means never having to say that you're ysror.
%
Dyslexics have more fnu.
%
DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!
%
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man a helluva big nuisance.
%
Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
%
Eat shit and die a virgin!
%
Economists are still trying to figure out why the
girls with the least principle draw the most interest.
%
EE's do it without shorts.
%
Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump.
-- Chinese Proverb
%
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
-- Jackie Mason
%
Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
1) Cucumbers can stay up all night,
and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot.
2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
3) You won't find out later that your cucumber
...is married
...is on penicillin
...likes you -- but loves your brother!
4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
%
embarrassment, n:
Finding out your German Shepherd has the clap.
%
Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant
professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast
as a male schlemiel.
-- Ewald Nyquist
%
Erogenous zone, n:
The skin you touch to love.
%
eternity, n:
The length of time between when you come and he leaves.
%
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
%
Even bytes get lonely for a little bit.
%
Evening hours "all clear" for romance!
(Tell mate you have to work late.)
%
Ever notice that the women who are against abortion are the ones you
wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
-- George Carlin
%
Ever wondered why you always run out of breath when you throw up?
Ah, but a man's retch should exceed his gasp, else what's a heaving for?
%
Every harlot was a virgin once.
-- William Blake
%
Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive
like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume
and at least a pint of ether.
-- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
%
Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then
drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
%
Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
%
Everyone: "Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you,
Amen!"
Bruce: "Another two! (Bottles opening.) Any questions?"
Bruce: "New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?"
Bruce: "Are you a Poofter?"
New-Bruce: "No!"
Bruce: "No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules:
Rule One!"
Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!"
Bruce: "Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos
in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching. Rule Three?"
Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!"
Bruce: "Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not
drinking. Rule Five..."
Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!"
Bruce: "Rule Six, there is NO... Rule Six. Rule Seven..."
Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!"
Bruce: "Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce. This
here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a
bottle, you can hold it in your hand. Amen!
-- Monty Python
%
Everyone has the right, without exception, to equal pay for equal work.
Except for women.
%
Everyone in the office is welcome to join the group going to the Columbus
Theater tonight. Meet in the lobby at 8:30. The films are "Blue Jennifer"
and "Hot Coed Cheerleaders".
%
Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence. These silly humans
are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority.
Just think what a nicer world this would be if it were controlled by
cats.
You wouldn't see cats having waste disposal problems.
They're neat.
They don't have sexual hangups. A cat gets horny, it does something
about it.
They keep reasonable hours. You *never* see a cat up before noon.
They know how to relax. Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer?
What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war? Pretty negligible.
It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to
do with ones time. Like lie in the sun and sleep. Or go exploring the world.
%
Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
-- Ellyn Mustard
%
exotic dancer, n:
A girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time.
%
falsie salesman, n:
Fuller bust man.
%
Famous last words:
1: Everything that you'll need to know is in the manual.
2: You and what army?
3: Don't worry, I can handle it.
4: If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't
be a cop.
5: I don't see how they make a profit
out of this stuff at a dollar and a quarter a fifth.
6: We're just getting into semantics again.
7: Everything's under control.
8: He's an asshole! Don't try to "shush" me!
%
Fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full
of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows,
long windy ones, quick little merry cracks...
-- James Joyce
%
Fed some caviar to my girlfriend
She was a virgin tried and true
Now my girlfriend needs no urgin'
There ain't nothin' she won't do!
Caviar comes from a Virgin Sturgeon -
Virgin Sturgeon's a very fine fish.
Virgin Sturgeon needs no urgin'
That's why caviar is my dish!
Fed some caviar to my Grandpa
He was a man of ninety-three
Shrieks and screams were heard from Grandma
He had chased her up a tree!
(chorus)
%
felt tip, v:
Past tense for a breast examination!
%
Female ballet dancers are the bravest girls around. Who else would take a
flying leap into the arms of a homosexual and expect to be caught?
-- Rita Rudner
%
female, n:
Life support system for a pussy.
%
Feminism, n:
A political position which seeks to rebuild society so that
both men and women are treated as women wish to be treated.
%
Feminists just want the human race to be a tie.
%
Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
handbags are full.
-- Earl Wilson
%
Fie for shame,
you lascivious, lewd, lecherous,
libidinous, lustful, licentious, dirty bum!!
%
Fig Newton.
%
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
%
Filth and old age, I'm sure you will agree,
Are powerful wardens upon chastity.
-- Geoffrey Chaucer
%
Finally, a reporter got a chance to interview Tarzan.
Reporter: Tarzan? Is that your first or last name?
Tarzan: Tarzan first name.
Reporter: Then, what's your whole name?
Tarzan: Tarzan of the Apes.
Reporter: And who is the woman with you?
Tarzan: That Jane.
Reporter: And what's Jane's whole name?
Tarzan: Cunt.
%
First you get down on your knees, Get in line in that processional,
Fiddle with your rosaries, Step into that small confessional,
Bow your head with great respect, There the guy who's got religion'll
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Tell you if your sins' original.
Do whatever steps you want if If it is, try playin' it safer,
You have cleared them with the Pontiff, Drink the wine and chew the wafer,
Ev'rybody say his own Two, four, six eight,
Kyrie eleison, Time to transubstantiate!
Doin' the Vatican Rag.
So get down upon your knees, Make a cross on your abdomen,
Fiddle with your rosaries, When in Rome do like a Roman,
Bow your head with great respect, Ave Maria,
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Gee, it's good to see ya,
Gettin' ecstatic an' sorta dramatic an' Doin' the Vatican Rag!
-- Tom Lehrer, "The Vatican Rag"
%
Five-foot nine, eyes that shine
He was born in Palestine
Has anybody seen my Lord?
He's so cool, he's so fine
Eat his bread and drink his wine
Has anybody seen my Lord?
He's so neat, he's so cool,
Walks across my swimming pool.
Has anybody...
%
Flirt, n:
A girl whose favorite man is the next one.
%
Floating idly one day through the air,
A circus performer named Blair,
Tied a sizeable rock,
To the end of his cock,
And shattered a balcony chair.
%
Floppy now, hard later.
%
Folks, what can I tell you about my next guest. This cat allowed himself
to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched
by failure in his personal relationship bag, now that's where he really
bombed. And he came to believe that work, show business, love, his whole
life, even himself and all that jazz was bullshit. He became numero uno
gameplayer. Uh, to the point where he didn't know where the games ended
and the reality began. Like to this cat, the only reality... is death, man.
Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on you, a so-so entertainer, not much of
a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend. In his final
appearance on the great stage of life, uh, you can applaud if you want to,
Mr. Joe Gideon!!
-- All That Jazz
%
For a gay time, call 632-9483. Ask for Brucie.
%
For a good time, call 632-9484. Ask for Cathy.
%
For a good time, call 632-9485. Ask for Michael.
%
For a house-to-house salesman named Moore,
Getting housewives' attention's no chore:
He's endowed with a dong
That is 12 inches long,
So he wedges his foot in the door.
%
For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all.
-- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry
When should a man marry? A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all.
-- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life"
%
For children, a woman.
For pleasure, a boy.
For sheer ecstasy, a melon.
%
For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an
exquisite nightgown of imported lace. The next week her salary was
raised!
%
For months the loving newlywed had asked his blushing bride to perform oral
sex on him, but to no avail. His sweet entreaties never worked, for she was
simply too innocent and inexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let
alone attempt it. But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and
one night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act. When it was
over, she looked deeply into his eyes, blushed, and asked, "How was I,
sweetheart?"
He looked at her and replied, "How should I know -- I'm no
cocksucker!"
%
fornication, n:
Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #15
Sex:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards
and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school
romances rarely work out.
Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their
"i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their
"p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even
when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #18
Sexual frequency:
The average man would prefer having sex every evening, or every
morning, or maybe both if he's under 25. The average woman would like to
have sex non-stop all weekend, once a month.
Shopping:
It's no coincidence that L.L. Bean, Sears, and Roebuck were all men.
Men don't like to shop. If a man can't foist the job off on some woman, he
will grit his teeth and plan the outing as he would a jungle expedition.
He wants a map of the store showing where he has to go to get item X in
color Y in the correct size, which he doesn't know. Even then it takes him
half an hour to get there from the entrance. When he's finally accomplished
his mission, he'll discover that he forgot his checkbook. Women shop to
relax.
%
Fortune Personals:
SWBiM, 29. Gr/Fr/Mild English. Have
own moose, hoop. Sincere inquiries
only. Discreet. Fortune P.O. Box 1910.
%
Fortune presents:
USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #3.
Kie estas la plej proksima masa^gejo? Where's the nearest massage parlor?
Vi dolorigas min. You're hurting me.
Mi deziras viziti usonan kuraciston. I want to see an American doctor.
Mi deziras a^ceti kontraugraveda^jojn. I would like to buy some
contraceptives.
^Cu tiu estis ankau bona por ci? Was it good for you too?
%
Fortune presents:
USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #4.
Mia ^svebo^sipo estas plena je angiloj. My hovercraft is full of eels.
Neniu anticipas la hispanan No one expects the Spanish
Inkvizicion. Inquisition.
La solvo estas kvardekdu. The answer is forty-two.
Adiau, kaj dankoj por ^ciom da fi^so. So long, and thanks for all the fish.
^Cu estas krajono en via po^so, au ^cu Is that a pencil in your pocket,
vi feli^cas pri vidi min? or are you happy to see me?
%
Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
Try:
[Where is Jimmy Hoffa? (C shell)
^How did the^sex change operation go? (C shell)
"How would you rate BSD vs. System V?
%blow (C shell)
'thou shalt not mow thy grass at 8am' (C shell)
got a light? (C shell)
!!:Say, what do you think of margarine? (C shell)
PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense (Bourne shell)
make love
make "the perfect dry martini"
man -kisses dog (anything up to 4.3BSD)
i=Hoffa ; >$i; $i; rm $i; rm $i (Bourne shell)
%
FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #3
You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this
proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your
proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into
your coffee. You:
(a) Tell him you take your coffee black.
(b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
(c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a piss in his
"In" basket.
(d) Take a sip and comment how much better it tastes.
%
FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #5
You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January and
tell your boss that nobody but ladies of the evening and football players
live there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't
remember your name.
(b) Ask what position she played.
(c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
(d) Pull lacy underwear from your raincoat pocket and ask
if he recognizes the label.
%
FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #6
You are having lunch with a prospective vendor talking about what could be
your best deal of the year. During the conversation a blonde walks into
the restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companion's attention
to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone
in your hotel. She walks over to your table and the vendor introduces her as
his daughter. Your next move is to:
(a) Ask for her hand in marriage.
(b) Pass out and hope for sympathy.
(c) Forget the business; repeat the conversation to the
daughter and get her number.
(d) Turn red and slink off into the men's room.
%
FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #7
You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your
name.
(b) Ask what position she played.
(c) Pull a pair of lacey underwear from your pocket and ask if
he recognizes the label.
%
FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #9
You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchilada casserole and
egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out. You:
(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
%
Fortune understands that the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality
could go either way.
%
Fortune's Guide to Movies:
G: No girl.
PG: The hero gets the girl.
R: The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl.
X: The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
which end it will be.
XXX: Everybody gets the girl.
%
Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #1
Any attempt to say that someone's personal beliefs are wrong, even if
you supply conclusive evidence to support your claim, is an outright attack.
If you show someone a flaw in his/her logic, they have every right to punch
you in the face. Mathematical proofs of errors are the moral equivalent
of rape and should be avoided at all cost.
Now... your opponent has requested a "rational discussion". What do
you do? Well, remember that people are normally willing to discuss things
rationally if and only if you agree with them; anything less would obviously
not be rational. Therefore, agree immediately, and continue as before.
Always assume that whenever you see someone making a statement about
"certain parties who shall remain nameless", "some people", "assholes", etc.,
they are talking about *you*. It is also correct to assume that words you
don't understand, such as "prestidigatory", "lapidarian", and "buprestid",
are direct personal attacks aimed at your loved ones and merit an equally
scathing response. Failure to do this results in many lost opportunities for
rational discussion. (See above.)
%
Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #3
The proper time for a vicious ad hominem attack is when you have no logical
recourse. If you have been arguing a point with a person or persons for
30 odd weeks, and an memo comes across that logically tears down the
final shred of evidence that you thought you had, that is the time to call
the author of that memo:
1: a mindless twit who attacks other people's beliefs for no reason.
2: an egotistical flaming typical wombat aggie melon-humping
cheese-whizzing nanosexual subuseless clamsucker whose memos
are apparently sneezed onto his/her terminal.
3: something unpleasant.
The OTHER proper time for an ad hominem attack is immediately after someone
has posted something you don't understand. Given the current state of modern
electronic communications technology your inability to comprehend the meaning
of an memo constitutes a violation of western moral tradition on the part of
the author of that memo, and the author should be taken to task publicly via
a series of really nasty, name-calling oriented memos.
%
FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #5
Don't wear your spurs while making love in a waterbed.
%
FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #8
Don't wear your high heels while making love on the pool table.
%
Four men had been playing golf together for twenty years. After their usual
Saturday game one week, one of the men joined the other three for a post-game
shower for the first time. His friends were surprised - "For twenty years",
one of them says, "you haven't showered after our game, you've just waited for
us in the clubhouse. Why the sudden change?"
"Well", replies their friend, "I was born with a fairly unusual
medical condition. I had both a penis and a vagina. Last month I finally
decided to have the vagina removed."
The other three men look at him in disbelief and disgust. "You
mean," snaps one of them, "you could have played from the women's tee all
these years?"
%
France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear
the toilet paper.
-- Billy Wilder
%
From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the
fact that the fellow was too insensitive and ego-ridden to realize it. The
moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and
whispered,
"Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you nine
inches?"
There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said,
"You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times
in a row!"
%
Fuck art; let's dance!
%
Fuck off and die!
%
Fuck you and anybody who looks like you.
%
Fuck'em if they can't take a joke!
%
fuck-me-pumps, n:
Stiletto heels of a certain length, usually black patent leather.
The proper designation is "throw-me-down-and-fuck-me" pumps. Shoes with
heels just high enough to let the frayed tip of a bullwhip trail around
them properly.
%
fuckoff, n:
The tie breaker at the Miss America Beauty Pageant.
%
Gardeners do it in raised beds.
%
GARTER:
An elastic band intended to keep a woman
from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country.
%
Gary Hart's biggest mistake was not getting Teddy Kennedy to drive
Donna Rice home.
%
GAY:
One who'd rather swish than fight.
%
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because
you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.
%
Gentlemen prefer blondes, but who says blondes prefer gentlemen?
-- Mae West
%
Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.
%
George, after tying on a whopper the night before, woke up in the morning to
find a pathetically unattractive woman sleeping blissfully beside him. He
leaped out of bed, dressed quickly, and furtively placed $100 on top of the
bureau. He then started to tiptoe out of the room. But, as he passed the
foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg. Glancing down, he saw
another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed. She gazed up
at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?"
%
George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he
also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
Because George still had the axe in his hand.
%
GEORGIA:
Where kinky sex means getting laid.
%
"Get a load of that chick!" "Dude -- you gotta ask her out."
"Weellll, I dunno..." "Look. The worst she can say, is 'No'!"
"Hey! You're right!" "I'm always right!"
"The worst she can say... is 'No'!"
"Idunnoifyou'vebeennoticingmebutI'vebeennoticingyouandIwaswonderingif
you'd like to go out with me!"
Oh my god you little Geek!
Get away before I freak! You ugly, stupid, zitfaced scum,
I'm a babe and you are not. You asked me out; you MUST be dumb.
You can't handle what I've got! Well you can beg until you're blue,
I'm too hot, too hot for you.. But you're not even fit to lick my shoe.
I'm too hot, too hot for you.
Ha ha ha! Don't make me laugh!
I want a whole man, not a half. I've got a bitchin' bod and a killer
You wet your pants, I'm so sure. face,
Too bad wimp-itis has no cure. I'm god's gift to the male race.
I'm too hot, too hot for you. I'm the queen of babes supreme,
But you'll only see me in you dreams.
"Well? What'd she say??" I'm too hot, too hot for you.
"Well, she didn't say no..."
-- Barry and the Bookbinders, "The Worst She Can Say is No"
%
GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!
%
Get your bytes from our backend!
-- Britton Lee
%
Getting an education at the University of California
is like having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
%
Getting Cheryl to shed her apparel
Is like shooting goldfish in a barrel.
But her genital area
Is so vast it'll scareya,
And you venture inside at your peril.
%
Gibble gabble gabble gibble gurgle lubble gibble babble beeble triggle
Lean closer.
Libble gabble gabble ibble gurgle gubble tibble babble feeble riggle
Smile at her *knowingly*.
Gibble gabble sabble gibble surgle gubble gibble babble beeble giggle
Nod sympathetically. Show you're on *her* side.
Bibble gabble gabble babble gurgle gubble gibble tribble beeble figgle
Touch her hand lightly. Nobody understands but we two.
Fibble gabble fobble gibble gurgle bubble gibble tabble beeble giggle
Look sincere.
"Why don't we have the next drink up at MY place?"
God's gift to women strikes again.
-- J. Feiffer
%
Gimme that old bisexuality,
Gimme that old bisexuality,
Gimme that old bisexuality,
'Cause it's good enough for me!
It was good for David Bowie,
It was good for David Bowie,
It was good for David Bowie,
And it's good enough for me!
%
Girls are better looking in snowstorms.
-- Archie Goodwin
%
Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand!
%
Girls marry for love. Boys marry because of a chronic irritation
that causes them to gravitate in the direction of objects with
certain curvilinear properties.
-- Ashley Montagu
%
Girls really do know just what they want -- you to figure it out for
yourself!
%
Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is,
however, a rather archaic use of the word. Should one of you boys happen
upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you
have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian.
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
%
Girls who throw themselves at men,
are actually taking very careful aim.
%
Girls would never stay out late if guys didn't make them.
%
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
-- Mae West
%
Give me Librium or give me Meth.
%
Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
%
GLEE CLUB GROUPIE:
A girl into choral sex.
%
Go out with girls Dutch treat -- pay for dinner, drinks,
and the movie, and the rest of the evening is on her.
%
God is a polytheist.
%
God is an atheist.
%
God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's.
%
God is not dead -- he's been busted.
%
God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent -- it says so right here
on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these
divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No
checks, please. Cash and in small bills.
-- Lazarus Long
%
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
%
God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
%
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
%
God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
%
God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
where to go.
"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
"Well, how about Mercury?"
"No, it's too hot there."
"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
"No," sighed God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was
there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
still talking about it."
%
God wants us to know that if we see a bumper sticker saying "Honk if you love
Jesus" it is a bad idea to honk to express an opinion about Jesus because it
will annoy the turkey who put the bumper sticker on as well as everyone else
in the vicinity. However, it is just fine to honk to annoy the turkey simply
for being a turkey, for God told Man to be fruitful and multiply, and to rule
over the beasts of the field and the birds of the air, and that includes the
turkeys who buy such bumper stickers. Of course, God understands that innocent
bystanders will also be annoyed, but He has wisely created traffic cops to
impose some constraint on how much we may annoy the turkeys within city limits,
for God's wisdom comprehends full well that thou shalt not make an omelette
without breaking eggs. God only wishes they were turkey eggs, so such moral
dilemmas shall be fewer in number in the future, when the generations a-coming
(hallelujah) won't have so many turkeys to deal with. But God knows full well
that such things take time, and the turkeys are showing more resilience than
expected, and may be with us for a long time yet.
%
Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello
is fatal to a virgin.
-- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
%
Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields
Sold in a market down in New Orleans
Scarred old slaver knows he's doing alright
Hear him whip the women, just around midnight
Ah, brown sugar how come you taste so good?
Ah, brown sugar just like a young girl should
Drums beating cold English blood runs hot
Lady of the house wonderin' where it's gonna stop
House boy knows that he's doing alright
You should a heard him just around midnight.
...
I bet your mama was tent show queen
And all her girlfriends were sweet sixteen
I'm no school boy but I know what I like
You should have heard me just around midnight.
-- Rolling Stones, "Brown Sugar"
%
Goldfish: Two naked people tied and put on a mattress together to make love
"fish fashion" (ie: no hands). Originally a nineteenth-century bordel joke.
It can be done (if you are the victims, try on your sides from behind).
Venerable party game, but don't play it with strangers, or leave players
unsupervised, even briefly. There was a nice spoof on this sex stunt in
the movie "Soldier Blue". A good many women can get an orgasm from this
simply by struggling, especially if you put them in front of a mirror.
Don't both tie yourselves, even if you can manage it -- you might not be
able to get loose.
-- The Joy of Sex
%
Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend.
%
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen!
Here's a little number I tossed up in the Caribbean recently...
Isn't it awfully nice to have a Penis,
isn't it frightfully good to have a Dong.
It's swell to have a Stiffy,
it's divine to have a Dick,
from the tiniest little Tadger,
to the world's greatest Prick.
So, breeches for your Willy or John-Thomas,
Hooray! for your One Eyed Trouser's Snake.
Your Piece of Pork, your Wife's best friend,
your Porky or your Cock,
you can wrap it up in ribbons,
you can stick it in your sock!
But, don't take it out in public,
or they will stick you in the dock,
and you won't come back.
-- The Meaning of Life, Monty Python
%
good scout, n:
Someone who knows the lay of the land and will take you to her.
%
Gorbachev woke up early one morning, and felt great. He walked over to his
window, threw back the curtains, and saw the sun coming up. He felt *so*
good, he crowed, "Good Morning Sun!", and was startled when a great booming
voice came back to him, "Good morning Comrade! Good morning to you and
the great Soviet Socialist Republic!". Of course, this surprised him, but
great politician that he is, he considers the political ramifications.
Gorbachev then woke up Raisa and his closest aides, brought them into his
bedroom, and shouted out "Good morning, Comrade Sun!". Again a booming reply,
"Good morning, Comrade. Good morning to you and the rest of the Party!"
Everyone was quite excited about this, and Gorbachev sat down to his
day's work with a feeling of being destiny's favorite child.
Later, in the evening, he was preparing for the ballet. As he
dressed, he noticed that the sun was setting. Walking over to the window,
Gorbachev threw up the sash and again addressed the sun, "Good evening to
you, Comrade Sun!". Once more the great voice boomed out, "Fuck you,
asshole! I'm in the West now!"
%
Grain grows best in shit.
-- U.K. LeGuin
%
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
%
Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
%
great lover, n:
A man who can breathe through his ears.
%
GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21): July 30, 1917
On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then
Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought
them off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought
I wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from
his mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs
in a tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service
men stood lookout.
%
Gross, adj.:
When your bloody mary still has the string in it.
%
Gross, adj.:
When your grandmother kisses you goodnight and
slips you some tongue.
%
Gynecologist, n:
Someone who spends their time spreading old wives' tails.
%
HACKER:
A master byter.
%
Hackers do it bottom-up.
%
Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
%
Hackers do it with bugs.
%
Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
%
Hackers have kernel knowledge.
%
Hackers know all the right MOVs.
%
Half the posts to this group are about masturbation and the other half
are about penis size. And what I want to know is, if all you're doing
is jerking off, why do you care how big it is?
-- From alt.sex
%
Halt!! Who goes there, friend or enema?
%
Handsome woman. -- Lovely bust.
Fine young fellow. -- Stirred-up lust. --
Babies' diapers. --
Bottom wipers. --
Years of struggle. -- Coffin. -- Dust.
%
Handy hint:
A tea bag or two can be a dandy substitute
when you're out of tampons.
%
Hang gliders come down very slowly.
%
Hangover, n:
The burden of proof.
%
HAPPINESS:
Having your Herpes (Type II) test come back negative.
%
Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to
mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal difference
between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep
or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts. The husbandryman uses
his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to enrich the past.
Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit.
-- Tom Robbins
%
Harold had never wanted a woman so much in his life, upon overhearing the
22- year-old beauty remark that he was too old and out of shape for her. The
determined septuagenarian immediately embarked upon a rigorous self-improvement
program. He had his face lifted, bought a toupee, ran five miles every day,
lifted weights and adopted a strict vegetarian diet. Within months, the
rejuvenated man won the young woman's heart, and she agreed to marry him.
On the way out of the chapel, however, Harold was fatally struck
by lightning. Furious, he confronted Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "How
could you do this to me after all the pain I went through?"
"To be honest, Harold," Saint Peter sheepishly replied, "I didn't
recognize you."
%
Harry came into work on Monday feeling absolutely fine, and so was astonished
when his secretary urged him to lie down on the sofa; even more so when his
boss took one look at him and ordered him to take the day, if not the week,
off. Even his poker buddies wouldn't have anything to do with him, insisting
that he go straight to bed. Finally, tired of resisting everyone's advice,
he went to see his doctor, who took one look at him and rushed over with
a stretcher.
"But doctor," he protested, "I feel fine."
Well, this was a puzzler, conceded the doctor, who proceeded to refer to the
enormous reference tomes behind his desk, muttering to himself.
"Looks good, feels good... No, you look like hell. Looks good,
feels terrible... Nah, you feel fine, right?"
Thumbing furiously through another volume, he said,
"Looks terrible, feels terrible... Nope, that won't do it either."
Finally, "Looks terrible, feels terrific... Aha!! You're a vagina!"
%
Have you ever really thought about there being a simple solution to
America's problems? Why, we could solve all of our raw materials
difficulties, foreign complications etc. over a long weekend. If we
got up early, early mind you, on Saturday, we could take over Mexico
by 10:00. Panama and most of South America would be a bit more difficult,
but I believe we could do it by 6 or 7 that evening. Turning our
attention northward, Canada would require most of Sunday morning.
General mopping up and execution of the civilian populations would take
up Sunday afternoon. I just don't understand why Washington hasn't
thought of this...
%
Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman
President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got
my period."
-- Steven Moore
%
Have you ever tried to tickle yourself? Everybody has some wacko aunt or
uncle that can just point at you and have you rolling with laughter. But
if you shove your fist in your underarm for a week and a half you won't
laugh. Somehow your underarm just knows that it's *your* fist. Thank God
other parts of our bodies are dumber.
%
Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, I
mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container filled with
water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom
is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in their hot tubs, Californians
don't give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers. They don't give a
damn about anything , which is why they are able to produce "Laverne and
Shirley" week after week.
-- Dave Barry
%
Have you seen how Sonny's burning,
Like some bright erotic star,
He lights up the proceedings,
And raises the temperature.
-- The Birthday Party, "Sonny's Burning"
%
Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
attempts... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
-- R.E. Masters
%
Having lost his potency years before, the octogenarian was desperate to
satisfy his new 18-year-old wife. He visited a gypsy woman with magical
powers.
After the man downed a foul-tasting potion, the gypsy said, "There.
Now the words beep-beep will give you an enormous erection. Repeating
the phrase will make it disappear. But remember," she cautioned, "it will
work only three times. Make use of them wisely."
As the old man left, he decided to test her prediction. "Beep-beep,"
he said, and sure enough, he got the biggest erection of his life.
"Beep-beep", he repeated. It went away.
He sped through traffic on his way home. "Beep-beep," honked a taxi.
The old man gasped as he instantly got hard.
"Beep-beep," honked a truck. His erection wilted.
Pulling into his driveway at last, the frantic man rushed inside
and found his nubile wife lying on the bed reading a novel.
"Have I got a surprise for you," he said, tearing off his clothes.
"Beep-beep!"
"Hold on a second," his wife said, eyeing his magnificent erection.
"What's all this beep-beep shit?"
%
Having made a remark rather coarse,
A young lady was seized with remorse;
She fled from the room,
And later, a groom
Saw her rolling about in the gorse.
-- Edward Gorey
%
He: Am I... am I your first?
She: Well, honey, I could have sworn your face looked familiar...
%
He: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
She: "No, thanks, I've already got one asshole in there now."
%
He: So, what do you say to little fuck?
She: I say, "get lost, little fuck."
%
He boil my first cabbage, make it awfully hot,
But when he put in the bacon, oooh, you know it overflow the pot.
-- Bessie Smith, "Empty Bed Blues"
%
He carried me over the stream, striding through the current, his strong,
muscular, thighs scarcely hesitating as he sure-footedly forded the water.
But what was that bulge, small, oblong, solid, that might have been, say,
a pocket camera?
-- An Exciting Journey
%
He dove down overweighted with lead.
Passed one hundred and flat lost his head.
He flapped and he flailed,
Spit his hose and he wailed,
Swallowed water and found himself dead.
%
He drank with curvy Mable,
The pace was fast and furious,
He slid beneath the table,
Not drunk but merely curious.
%
He grabbed me by my slender neck,
I could not call or scream.
He dragged me to his tiny room,
Where we could not be seen.
He tore away my filmy wrap,
And gazed upon my form.
I so cold and frightened,
While he so strong and warm.
He pressed me to his thirsty lips,
I gave him every drop.
He drained me of my very self,
I could not make him stop!
And that is why you see me here,
An empty, broken bottle of beer...
%
He had heard that a certain whorehouse had a reputation for the bizarre.
So he drove to the place and, once inside, asked the Madam if she had anything
unusual for him to try. "Things are pretty slow today," she said, "but I
do have one number you might enjoy." She went on to describe a New Jersey
hen that had been trained to do blow jobs.
"We've got her here, but only for the day."
The visitor could hardly believe it, but he paid the fee and went
into a room with a hen. After a frustrating hour of trying to force his
cock into the hen's mouth, he figured out that he was dealing with nothing
but a plain old chicken. He left. Thinking about it later, he decided
that he had had so much fun trying that he returned the few days later and
asked the Madam, "Do you have anything new today?"
"Come this way," she said, and led him to a dark room where a group
of men were looking through a one-way mirror. He saw that they were watching
a girl making it with a large doberman pinscher.
"Wow!" he said to the man standing next to him. "This is really
great!"
The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin'! You shoulda been here
a week ago and seen the guy with the chicken!"
%
He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now.
%
He was not only a great swordsman, but also a cunning linguist.
%
He was so gay he'd never lean his ass on a baseball bat --
scared it'd get serious.
%
He was so ugly hookers used to tell him, "Not on the first date."
%
He was the world's only armless sculptor. He put the chisel in his mouth
and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet.
-- Fred Allen
%
He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor --
Hell, they HAD to make him President of the United States.
It's the only job he's qualified for!
-- Michael Cain
%
He who farts in church must sit in his own pew.
%
He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot,
pink damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
%
He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
%
He who trains his tongue to quote the learned
sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.
-- Howard Kandel
%
Hear about...
one penile desensitizer that's so effective that you
have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap off?
%
Hear about...
the 97-year-old prostitute who got herself listed in the Yellow
Pages and now claims to be the oldest trick in the book?
%
Hear about...
the absent minded nurse who made the patient without disturbing
the bed?
%
Hear about...
the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and
started chiseling on his wife?
%
Hear about...
the absent-minded exhibitionist who was arrested for exposing
his whatchamacalit?
%
Hear about...
the ambitious secretary who walked into her boss's office and
demanded a salary on next week's advance?
%
Hear about...
the Ayatollah Khomeini Doll?
Wind it up and it takes Ken and Barbie hostage.
%
Hear about...
the basketball player who was so tall that his girlfriend had to
go up on him?
%
Hear about...
the careless canary that did it for a lark?
%
Hear about...
the careless contortionist who accidentally swallowed his pride?
%
Hear about...
the cinema buff that's very excited by current trends in films?
The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
which end it will be.
%
Hear about...
the compulsive gambler who drove to Las Vegas, pulled up to
a parking meter, put a dime in -- and lost his car?
%
Hear about...
the couple on the stalled elevator who got off between floors?
%
Hear about...
the cross-eyed shoe fetishist who was always getting off on the
wrong foot?
%
Hear about...
the doctor that prescribed sex for insomnia? His patients didn't
get any more sleep, but they had more fun staying awake.
%
Hear about...
the drunken midget who walked into a home for girls and kissed
everybody in the joint?
%
Hear about...
the elderly gentleman who was stung on the privates by a bee and
asked the doctor to relieve the pain but leave the swelling?
%
Hear about...
the Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and
next morning found she was six months pregnant?
%
Hear about...
the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his wife, so he
fired them?
%
Hear about...
The fellow who chased his girlfriend up a tree and kissed
her between the limbs?
%
Hear about...
the fellow who got ten years for pumping Ethyl behind the station?
%
Hear about...
the fellow who maintains a special register of particularly
accommodating girls? He refers to it as his little blew book.
%
Hear about...
the fellow who was descended from a long line his mother heard?
%
Hear about...
the fine, upstanding young woman who's wonderful laying down?
%
Hear about...
the freaky WAC who was court-martialed for contributing to the
delinquency of a major?
%
Hear about...
the French soldier who kissed his wife's cheeks before he went
to the front?
%
Hear about...
the freshman coed who decided not to sign up for a course in sex
education when she heard the final exam would be oral?
%
Hear about...
the frustrated musician who worked all week on an arrangement and
then his wife didn't leave town?
%
Hear about...
the fun-loving young lady who insists she won't even consider
marriage until she's gotten some experience under her belt?
%
Hear about...
the gay tattoo artist who had designs on several of the local
sailors?
%
Hear about...
the girl that wanted to impress her new boyfriend,
so she put on her low-cut dress to show him a thing or two?
%
Hear about...
the girl who called her boyfriend Amaretto, 'cause he was
such a sweet liquor?
%
Hear about...
the girl who was so undesirable that she even turned her vibrator
off?
%
Hear about...
the girl with the big wardrobe who started with just a little slip?
%
Hear about...
the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy? Just kind of lost
his ball bearings.
%
Hear about...
the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy -- you might say he
lost his ball bearings?
%
Hear about...
the guy who had his vasectomy done by Sears?
Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.
%
Hear about...
the guy who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that
he'd never be able to face his girl again?
%
Hear about...
the guy who was an incurable romantic until penicillin came along?
%
Hear about...
the guy who was so well endowed that he had a fiveskin?
%
Hear about...
the handsome bachelor Senator who hired a ravishing blonde as his
assistant and then made her the object of a long Congressional probe?
%
Hear about...
the high school drum major who dated two of the majorettes and
so enjoyed the breasts of both whirlers?
%
Hear about...
the hurricane that recently struck Fire Island -- Hurricane Bruce?
%
Hear about...
the inexperienced stenographer who discovered that she could lose
a lot more than letters behind the files?
%
Hear about...
the insurance salesman who says his greatest successes are
with young housewives who aren't adequately covered?
%
Hear about...
the little boy that found a fifty cent
piece, so he went home for some money?
%
Hear about...
the little boy that found a fifty cent piece, so he went home
for some money?
%
Hear about...
the loner who gave up his solitary vice for Lent? Except on
Palm Sunday, of course.
%
Hear about...
the man who never worried about his marriage until he moved from New
York to California and discovered that he still had the same milkman?
%
Hear about...
the man who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that
he'd never be able to face his girl again?
%
Hear about...
the mother of 12 who was called upon to use her diaphragm so often
that she kept it tacked to the headboard of her bed?
%
Hear about...
the new breakfast cereal called Queerios? You simply add milk
and they eat each other.
%
Hear about...
the new breakfast cereal called "Swingers". They don't go snap,
crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang, bang, bang?
%
Hear about...
the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in
Los Angeles single bars? It's called Bang Americard.
%
Hear about...
the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in
single bars -- BANG AMERICARD?
%
Hear about...
the new rule at the girls' school?
Lights out by ten, candles by eleven.
%
Hear about...
the new vitamin made from chicken blood,
it makes men cocky and women lay better?
%
Hear about...
the nurse they thought had drowned
until they found her under the doc?
%
Hear about...
the nymphomaniac teenager popularly known as Little Often Annie?
%
Hear about...
the over-eager bride who came, walking down the aisle?
%
Hear about...
the perverted Australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney?
%
Hear about...
the poor Greek fisherman who got his upper torso wedged into
a porthole and couldn't get out to save his ass?
%
Hear about...
the real smart girl who could play post-office all night
without getting any mail in her box?
%
Hear about...
the recent cigarette survey that disclosed that 99% of the
men who have tried Camels have gone back to women?
%
Hear about...
the San Franciscan who backed off the bus because he thought
someone would grab his seat?
%
Hear about...
the secretary that got fired because she had one too mini?
%
Hear about...
the sultan who had ten wives, nine of them had it soft.
%
Hear about...
the swinger who labelled his little black book "Future Shack"?
%
Hear about...
the tight end who got two years for possession and came out a
wide receiver?
%
Hear about...
the truck driver who pulled out to avoid a child and fell
off the sofa?
%
Hear about...
the ultimate in singles bars. It's a place where girls have
to show their I.U.D.'s to be admitted?
%
Hear about...
the woman who claimed that two martinis usually made her
feel like a new man?
%
Hear about...
the woman who says two martinis usually make her feel like a
new man?
%
Hear about...
the young lady attacked in San Francisco?
By two men, one held her down while the other one did her hair.
%
Hear about...
the young thing who is fondly known to the men in the office as
Secretariat -- not just because she's a good secretary but because
she's a wonderful mount?
%
Hear about the...
guy who wore a tux to his vasectomy, because he figured that
if he was going to be impotent he might as well look impotent.
%
Hear that...
bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous
Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years?
%
Hear that...
the Masters and Johnson clinic may well be the only organization
in the world from which a man resigns when he becomes a member
in good standing?
%
Hear that...
the only thing worse than coming home with lipstick on your
collar is being caught with leg make-up on your ears?
%
Hear that...
the Pope's next pronouncement on birth control is to be titled
"Paul's Epistle to the Fallopians"?
%
Hear that...
there's an establishment near the White House that caters to kinky
tastes? There's a House whip in attendance, of course?
%
Hear that...
those new edible candy pants are about to be distributed in a male
version -- with nuts of course?
%
Heard tell that the Iron Magnolia wanted to divorce ol' Jimmy.
Seems he's screwing everyone but her.
%
He'd kiss and the girls called him Georgie
They'd cry and the girls called him Porgie.
So he put Spanish fly
In their pudding and pie
And had the first tiny-tot orgy.
%
Heisenberg may have done it.
%
"Hell, no," said the Duchess of Quick,
"I won't suck his filthy old prick!
It's not that I funk
At a mouthful of spunk,
But the smell of his ass makes me sick!"
%
"Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess..."
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%
Hello, children!!
This is Uncle Dennis welcoming you to your very own fortune.
Today we are going to hear a story, so sit right here on my lap
and we can all start. Comfortable? Ah, yes, ah... Ah? Ah!!
One day, Rikki, the magic Pixie, went to visit Daisy Bumble in her
tumbledown cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he
grabbed her heaving ******* pulling her down on the bed and
hurriedly ripping off her thin *******.
Old Nick, the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow.
He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the
pier where the men dressed as ladies ****** **** ******* *******
of ***** ****** **** the ****** with a melon.
Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the Magic
oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum tree in the shade of the enchanted
glen down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives, ********
and various appliances *** ******** *** ***** naked fun and *****
the ******** ******* *** into six or seven pairs.
%
Help! I'm a lesbian trapped in a gay man's body!
-- Bisexuality, 101
%
Help Stamp Out Rape! (Say Yes.)
%
HENPECKED HUSBAND:
One who's afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he's sterile.
%
Her kisses left something to be desired: the rest of her.
%
Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin',
Just gave birth to another Texan.
%
Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with the issue
of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul Stevens came up with
the famous quotation about how he couldn't define pornography, but he knew it
when he saw it. So for a while, the court's policy was to have all the
suspected pornography trucked to Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it
over. "Nope, this isn't it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until
one morning when his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under
an enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a ruling
stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except that it was
illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about it because the
court was going to take a nap.
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%
Here's a toast to Screwy Dick,
The man who was born with a corkscrew prick.
He spent his life in a futile hunt,
To find a woman with a spiral cunt.
And when he did, he dropped stone dead,
'Cause the blasted thing had a left-hand thread!
%
Here's to the girl in little red shoes,
She drinks my liquor, she drinks my booze,
She has no cherry, but that's no sin,
She has the box the cherry came in.
%
Here's to the girl that's dressed in black,
She's dressed so neat there's nothing to lack
She feels so fine and kisses so sweet
She makes things stand that have no feet.
%
Here's to the girl that's sweet,
Here's to the girl that's true,
Here's to the girl in all our hearts...
In other words, guys, what do you say we all go downtown for
the rest of the night?
%
Here's to the woman beautiful and devine
she flowers every month bears fruit every nine
she's the only creature 'tween heaven and hell
can get the juice from a nut without cracking the shell.
%
Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling
into her hands.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
HERMIT:
A man who'd rather get off by himself.
%
HERPES:
The final proof that 'tis better to give than to receive.
Much better.
%
He's a son-of-a-bitch, but he's our son-of-a-bitch.
-- FDR on Nicaraguan dictator Anastasio Somoza
%
He's gallantry personified, in fact, his brochures ought to
read satisfaction guaranteed, or your virginity returned intact.
%
He's learned about 50% of the rules of sex and conversation;
he knows how to stick it in, but not how to stick it out.
%
Hey baby!
How 'bout a brutal face fuck?
%
HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
A great way to prevent the tragedy of unwanted pregnancy is to
become a homosexual. Every year, millions of young men and women, just
like you, are making the clean change to worry-free homosexuality.
They're having more sex than ever, and more fun than ever. Send 50 cents
today for my leaflet "Gay sexual techniques". Be sure to specify the
male or female edition.
%
HEY, KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
Masturbation isn't as simple as it looks. Do it right!
Send 50 cents for my illustrated booklet "Masturbation techniques
for the teenager". Be sure to specify the male or female edition.
%
HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
Remember, oral sex CAN cause pregnancy, unless you use an
oral contraceptive. See your family planning clinic today!
%
Hickory Dickory Dock,
Three mice ran up a clock!
The clock struck one,
Right in the balls!
There was an old woman,
Who lived in a shoe,
Who had so many children,
Her uterus fell right out.
%
Higgledy Piggledy Coeducational
Yale University Extracurricular
Gave up misogyny Heterosexual
Opened its door. Fun is in store.
%
Hire the handicapped -- they're fun to watch!
%
Home is where the hurt is.
-- Strange de Jim
%
Honest, officer, had I known my health was
in jeopardy, why, I'd never have lit one!
%
HONOR:
Almost as good as in 'er.
%
horny, adj:
When your cock gets hard if the wind blows.
%
Horsecrap, little brother. There's always something more to be done.
Another palm to be greased. Another back to be scratched. Another
weak sister to be shored up.
-- J.R. Ewing
%
HOT TUB TIPS FOR WOMEN
Vol. I -- Etiquette
1. It's not lady-like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, and then
scream at the top of your lungs, "Oh, yes, YES, BABY!"
2. Washing your partner's back is sexy. Washing your panty hose is not.
3. Nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience; don't spoil
it for everyone with a thoughtless remark, such as "My God, I've
seen bigger wangs on hamsters!"
4. It's O.K. to pass a joint while tubbing. Don't pass anything else.
5. Don't think you're fooling anybody by passing off your vibrator as a
toy submarine.
%
How can you say that the world isn't
Jewish, when the sun's real name is Sol?
%
How come if you're horny it's lust, but if she's horny it's affection?
%
How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the
government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle.
We'll be lucky to escape with our skins!
%
How should they answer?
-- Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) in reply to the question
"Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?"
%
How soon can you have sexual relations after your wife delivers?
Well, depends on if she's in a ward or a private room.
%
HOW TO REMOVE STAINS -- #28
Semen stains can be removed from computer terminals with
Fantastik or the like. Use Windex on the glass however, and
be sure to turn the power off if you have to clean between
the keys.
%
Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole.
-- John Valby
%
Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
%
Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the
bush, shoot more often and *always* eat what they shoot.
%
Hypocrisy is the vaseline of social intercourse.
%
hypocrite, n:
A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy.
%
I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this
country what it once was... an arctic wilderness.
-- Steve Martin
%
I bet you think you're pretty cool driving around without auto insurance.
You're probably saying to yourself, "I'm beating the system." But what's
going to happen when you get pulled over and lose your license because
you're not insured. What girl's going to ride shotgun on a ten-speed on
a Saturday Night? Yeah, you're going to be beating more than the system...
-- auto insurance ad, heard on KNAC, Long Beach.
%
I call Christianity the one great curse, the one enormous and innermost
perversion, the one great instinct of revenge, for which no means are
too venomous, too underhand, too underground and too petty -- I call it
the one immortal blemish of mankind.
-- Fredrich Nietzsche
%
I call it the "Madman Theory". I want the North Vietnamese to believe that
I've reached the point where I might do *anything* to stop the war. We'll
just slip the word to them that "For God's sake, you know, Nixon is obsessed
about Communism. We can't restrain him when he's angry -- and he has his
hand on the nuclear button."
-- Richard Nixon
%
I came; I saw; I fucked up.
%
I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan prostitute
dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very bored with washing
and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after relentless day.
-- Betty MacDonald
%
I can understand companionship. I can understand bought sex in the
afternoon. I cannot understand the love affair.
-- Gore Vidal
%
I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about you pisses me off.
-- Peter Knight
%
I choked Linda Lovelace.
%
I continued wetting my bed for a long time, not just out of contrariness,
but to have the pleasure of feeling my warm urine running down my legs
and wallowing in its odor.
-- Salvador Dali
%
I did not look behind me, 'till I got to St. Omer's & thence fled to America;
here I offer'd to become a Spy for the English Government which was scornfully
rejected; I then turned to Plunder & Libel the Yankees, for which I was fined
5000 Dollars & kicked out of the Country! I came back to England (after
absconding for Seven years) & set up the Crown & Mitre to establish my Loyalty!
-- accepted from the Doctor L400 to print & disperse a pamphlet against "the
Hellfire of Reform" ... but applied the Money to purchase an estate at Botley,
& left ye Doctor to pay the Paper & Printing! Being now Lord of the Manor, I
began by sowing the seeds of discontent through Hampshire; I oppressed the
Poor, sent the Aged to Hell, & damned the eyes of my Parish Apprentices before
they were open'd in the morning! ... and being now supported by a Band of
Reformers, I renewed my old favorite Toast of Damnation to the House of
Brunswick! & being exalted by the sale of 10,000 Political Registers every
week, I find myself the greatest Man in the World! except that Idol of all my
Adorations, his Royal and Imperial Majesty, NAPOLEONE!
-- William Cobbett, British journalist
%
I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get those reindeer off my roof.
%
I don't discriminate on the basis of sex.
-- Bisexuality, 101
[An equal opportunity lover? Ed.]
%
I don't drink water; fish fuck in it.
-- W.C. Fields
%
I don't give a shit what happens. I want you all to stonewall it. Let
them plead the Fifth Amendment, cover up, or anything else if it'll save
the plan.
-- Richard Nixon
%
I don't know why women get so upset, they have half the
money and all the pussy.
-- Gary Bussy, "DC Cab"
%
I don't love you, asshole, I love your daughter.
-- The Undergraduate
%
I Don't Mind If You Lie to Me, As Long As I Ain't Lyin' Alone
I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win
If You Leave Me, Walk Out Backwards So I'll Think You're Comin' In
Since You Learned to Lip-Sync, I'm At Your Disposal
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was
Breaking My Heart
Don't Cry, Little Darlin', You're Waterin' My Beer
Tennis Must Be Your Racket, 'Cause Love Means Nothin' to You
When You Say You Love Me, You're Full of Prunes, 'Cause Living
With You Is the Pits
I Wanted Your Hand in Marriage but All I Got Was the Finger
-- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
%
"I don't really mind her being unfaithful," sighed the man to his
marriage counselor, "but I just can't sleep three in a bed."
%
I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching is
one of nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy.
%
I don't understand what all the fuss was about in Los Angeles.
It's not like we looted Brooks Brothers when Oliver North got off.
-- P.J. O'Rourke
%
I don't want to say that she had big tits, but one day I asked her
just how big they was, and she said, "7 and 7/8".
I said, "7 and 7/8?! What did you measure 'em with?"
And she replied, "A Stetson."
%
"I finally found out what my ranch foreman husband really meant,"
sobbed the recent bride, "when he told me he'd love me 'til the
cows came home."
%
I grew up in an Italian family, you know, the strange thing about
Italians -- they're so Jewish.
-- Kay Ballard
%
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...
boy, were they mad!
-- Stephen Wright
%
I had a virgin once. I had to go to Florida for her. She was twelve
years old, blind in one eye, and carried a stuffed alligator labeled
"Made in Taiwan".
-- The Stunt Man
%
I have a funny daddy
Who goes in and out with me
And everything that baby does
Daddy's sure to see,
And everything that baby says,
My daddy's sure to tell.
You must have read my daddy's verse.
I hope he fries in Hell.
-- Ogden Nash
%
"I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls,"
the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for
the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that
it was enough to make a blown man cry."
%
I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.
-- Will Rogers
%
I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. Come, let us
take our fill of love until the morning.
-- Proverbs 7:17-18
%
I heard there was a lot of sex on television these days,
but when I tried it I kept falling off.
%
I knew Leo G. Carrol
Was over a barrel
When Tarantula took to the hills. ["Lick it!"]
And I really got hot
When I saw Jeanette Scott
Fight a trifid that spits poison and kills.
Science fiction, double feature
Doctor X will build a creature.
See androids fighting Brad and Janet
Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
At the late night, double feature, picture show.
-- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
%
I know a Polack his name is Cliff,
Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
He sticks it in the freezer to get it stiff,
Hey-la-de-la-de-lo.
I know a girl, her name is Serafina,
Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
She'll get down on all fours for a bowl of Purina,
Hey-la-de-la-de-lo.
I know a girl, her name is Cuffy,
Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
She douches with Tide and makes her pubes fluffy,
Hey la-de-la-de-lo.
-- Doctor Dirty
%
I know of a fortunate Hindu
Who is sought in the towns that he's been to
By the ladies he knows,
Who are thrilled to the toes
By the tricks that he makes his foreskin do.
%
I know what you're up to, you white-feathered fiend!
Go release your bowels on some lesser personage!
-- W.C. Fields, upon seeing a bird overhead
%
I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire -- God wouldn't trust
an Englishman in the dark.
-- Duncan Spaeth
%
I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
%
I married an Italian girl; the way you marry an Italian girl in my family
is to bring a New Yorker home first.
%
I may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position.
%
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come
into my neighborhood after dark.
-- Dick Gregory
%
I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth and they thought
it was hell.
-- Harry S. Truman
%
I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty.
%
I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
-- Lyndon Baines Johnson
%
I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
-- Lyndon Johnson
%
I only date queers.
-- Bisexuality, 101
[I'm not queer, but my boyfriend is! Ed.]
%
I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms. What a giftless
bastard! It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is hailed
as a genius. Why, in comparison with him, Riff is a genius.
-- Tchaikovsky, October 9, 1886, diary entry
%
I regret to say that we are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital
intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.
-- J. Edgar Hoover
%
I shot a query into the net.
I haven't got an answer yet, A posted message called me rotten
But seven people gave me hell For ignoring mail I'd never gotten;
And said I ought to learn to spell; An angry message asked me, Please
Don't send such drivel overseas;
A lawyer sent me private mail
And swore he'd slap my ass in jail -- One netter thought it was a hoax:
I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem "Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!";
And failed to add the T and M; Another called my grammar vile
And criticized my writing style.
Each day I scan each Subject line
In hopes the topic will be mine;
I shot a query into the net.
I haven't got an answer yet...
-- Ed Nather
%
I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around
with his secretary. If it's somebody else's secretary, fine.
-- Barry Goldwater
I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
-- Barry Goldwater
%
I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
-- Barry Goldwater
%
I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass.
-- Senator Barry Goldwater, commenting on Jerry Falwell's
suggestion that all good Christians should be against
Sandra Day O'Connor's nomination to the Supreme Court
%
I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse
than anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa.
-- Frank Zappa
%
I think the Mormon prophet
Was a very funny man.
I wonder how his wives enjoyed
His Prophet Sharing Plan.
%
I thought Jackie O. was something you did in the bathroom.
-- Strange de Jim
%
I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about faeces. What a lot we
had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized
dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery
from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle
Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were
with the faeces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for
them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of
an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets
of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near
to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit?
What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a
Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian,
the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties
of an Untenured Professor?
-- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
%
I want a girl that can swallow my pride.
-- Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess"
%
I want the same things all men do, Rice Krispies and some sucking.
-- Dudley Moore
%
I was 15 years old before I found out that "damn yankee" was two words.
%
I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama.
I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts.
-- Firesign Theatre
%
I was having sex just the other night, but she hung up.
%
I was on vacation in Greece last summer, and was being driven round an island
by a Greek cab-driver. He was a friendly man, and as we drove, he told me
about various historic and scenic places he had been involved with.
"See the entrance to that church over there? I built that with my
two sons. But do they call me `Dimitri the church builder'? Do they hell!"
As we passed a dam, he said, "See that dam? Four of us built that
dam by ourselves! But do they call me `Dimitri the dam builder?' Hell, no!"
As we passed a beautiful cottage, Dimitri started up again -- "See
that house? I built that for my wife with my own two hands! But do they
call me `Dimitri the home builder'? No! But just one little sheep!"
%
"I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown bear
grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun. He picked it up
and stuck it in my back."
"What did you do?"
"What *could* I do? I married his daughter."
%
I went to a wild party last night. I tell ya, it was so wild, we played
a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one
of them had V.D.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
I wish I was a fascinating lady
With a past that was cheap and a future that was shady
I'd sleep all day and I'd work all night
I'd live in a house with a little red light
And once a month I'd take a small vacation
And leave all the men to their imagination
And once in a while I'd go all wild
And have myself an illegitimate child
I wish I were a fascinating lady
Instead I'm the minister's child
%
I wouldn't fuck her with your prick.
%
I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of
having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
-- R. Geis
%
I'd like to give the world a hug
And tell it jokes and stuff
And pull its pants down to its knees
And chase it through the rough
Then tie it up with bonds and straps
And search its purse for change
Then leave it out at Moose Grin Hall
With our cousin who's deranged ...
-- National Lampoon, to an old Coke commercial
%
I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
%
"I'd like to start a new religion. One that doesn't use a dead young
man as its logo."
-- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
%
I'd walk a mile for a Camel, two for a hump.
%
If being bi increases your chance of getting a date,
does being poly increase your chance of getting dumped?
%
If girls are all sugar and spice, why do they taste like anchovies?
%
If God doesn't destroy San Francisco,
He should apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah.
%
If God had meant for Texans to ski he would have made bullshit white.
%
If God had meant for us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs.
-- Malcolm Bradbury
%
If God had wanted people to give blow
jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth.
%
If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy,
would He have made it look like a taco?
%
If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
%
If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.
-- George Carlin
%
If I had a penis I'd wear it outside,
In cafes and car lots, with pomp and with pride.
If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper
I'd stay in the tub and use me as the stopper.
If I had a penis I'd take it to parties
Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties.
I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay.
I'd stuff it in turkeys on Thanksgiving Day.
I'd rival my buddies in sportscars and stick shifts.
I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts.
I'd peek around corners; I'd aim at my toilet;
I'd poke it at foreigners and soap it and oil it.
If I had a penis I'd run to my mother;
Comb out the hair and compare it to brother.
I'd lance her, I'd knight her, my hands would indulge...
Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge.
[Chorus]
A penis to plunder, a penis to push
'Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush.
A penis to love me, a penis to share,
To pick up and play with when nobody's there.
-- Uncle Bonsai, "Penis Envy"
%
If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it, don't buy it.
-- Tommy Earl Bruner
%
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
If it's not one thing, it's a mother.
%
If Jesus Christ came to this town, people would say, great guy; terrible
carpenter.
-- Gene Kirkwood, on Hollywood
%
If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot
to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think
the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty*
pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get
lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets
lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa [ucbarpa.berkeley.edu] is down and
think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive
Net Mail ...
-- Casey Leedom
%
If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon.
%
If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
%
If men couldn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads.
%
If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to
masturbate.
-- Diogenes the Cynic
%
If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country.
-- Mel Brooks
%
If sex is a pain in the ass, you may be doing it wrong.
%
If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is
only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them
in 1966, only two went back to women.
-- Mort Sahl
%
If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em.
If they can, then fuck 'em.
%
If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out.
If thy dick offends thee, whack it off.
%
If women ran the military complex, would the missiles be shaped differently?
%
If you could get an erection, you would have no need for Emacs.
%
If you don't ride a camel to work, you ain't Sheeite.
%
If you find for your verse there's no call,
And you can't afford paper at all,
For the true poet born,
However forlorn,
There is always the lavat'ry wall.
%
If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.
-- Lenny Bruce
%
If you were attacked by a homosexual, would you beat him off?
%
If you're Catholic you've only got two choices: periodic
abstinence and complete continence; (you know, rhythm and blues).
%
If you're going to break up with your old lady and you live in a small
town, make sure you don't break up at three in the morning. Because you're
screwed -- there's nothing to do ... So make it about nine in the morning,
... bullshit around, worry her a little, then come back at seven in the
night.
-- Lenny Bruce
%
If you're gonna sleep with someone whose moral code may be written
in Fortran for all you know, at least make sure there's an existing
friendship of some sort to fall back on if things don't work out
like one or the other of you planned.
%
If you're really into astrology, tell me, what happens
when Mercury is in the Fish, and Jupiter enters the Virgin?
%
"I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor business ain't
doin' too well. I ain't sold one all month.
"You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied. "The other day, I went
out to milk Daisy, when she swatted me in the face with her tail, like she
always does. So I took some twine and tied it to the rafters. When I sat
down again, she kicked me like she always does. So I tied her leg to the
side of the stall. When I started to sit down again, I could see her taking
aim with her other leg, so I tied it to the other side of the stall. And I'll
tell you what," he continued with a sigh, "if you can convince my wife I was
gonna *milk* that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"
%
I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
I'm a gay man trapped in a lesbian's body!
-- The Queer Gospels of Madonna the Sloppily Conceived
%
I'm a lover not a dancer!
I'm a lover not a dancer!
Don't want to be on my feet,
When I can be on my back,
Don't want to be on the floor,
When I can be in the sack!
I'm a lover not a dancer!
I'm a lover not a dancer!
I'm just a little bit tired
If you know what I mean,
Don't want to be in a crowd
When I can be in a dream!
I'm a lover not a dancer!
Baby!
And, baby, let me prove it to you,
Baby, let me prove it to you!
-- Jim Steinman, "Dance in my Pants"
%
I'm against group sex because I wouldn't know where to put my elbows.
-- Martin Cruz Smith
%
I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade.
-- Golfer Bobby Jones on being told that it was 105 degrees
in the shade.
Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is
dropped.
-- Franklyn Ajaye
%
I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
-- Groucho Marx
%
I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. Eddie Cantor's
goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is Jewish. Marine Corps
-- heavy goyish, dangerous. Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are
goyish. Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. Macaroons are
very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is goyish. Lime soda is
very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that Jews won't go near them.
-- Lenny Bruce
%
I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways.
-- J.F. Kennedy
%
I'm not a pheasant plucker,
I'm a pheasant plucker's son.
I'm just a'plucking pheasants
'Til the pheasant plucker comes.
-- The Irish Rovers
%
"I'm not against women. Not often enough, anyway."
-- NPR
%
I'm not laughing behind your back; everything funny is in front!
-- Rodney Dangerfield's wife
%
I'm So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Here
-- Song title by Stephen Bishop.
She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft
-- Song title by Jerry Reed.
When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies' Room Will I Be Too Old to Care?
-- Song title by Lewis Grizzard.
I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling
-- Unattributed song title.
Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life
-- Unattributed song title.
%
I'm sorry I'm late folks, I just got out of jail. I tried to change my
girlfriend's name. Yeah, I went down to the hall of records. I said, "I'd
like to change it... I'd like to change it to... LYING LITTLE BITCH!"
-- Sam Kinison
%
I'm unbuttoning your shirt, unzipping your jeans....
Oh, I can feel your fingers on the keys, baby,
I'm getting WARM....
I am getting there, oh yes,. Oh, my. OH YES... OHHHH!
...!!!rrrrrgh!!!!!
Honey, that was *really* terrific, but, next time,
couldn't you please input a little SLOWER?
%
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed!
John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day.
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
Hobbes was fond of his dram,
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am".
Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed!
-- Monty Python, "The Philosopher's Drinking Song"
%
impotent loser, n:
Someone who can't even get his hopes up.
%
In 1953, Stalin dies. The politburo holds a special meeting to decide
what to do about the body. Nobody will let it be buried near their home.
Finally they decide:
"Aha! Call Israel! Offer them ten million rubles; they'll let us
bury Stalin in Israel! Off goes the message and the politburo waits...
Finally a telegram comes back:
"NO CHANCE STOP ONE RESURRECTION HERE ALREADY"
%
In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the gay
chaps responding said that either genetics or home environment was the
principal factor. The remaining 18 percent revealed that they had been
sucked into it.
%
In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh
Spoke of Spengler -- and ate crackers too.
His wife said, "Oh, stuff
That philosophy guff
Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!"
%
In cosmetics, there's cases of revolutionary Venus Envy Hair Spray;
Legette Hair Fastener Heat Bags; Lady O' Spain Self-Blinding Eye Shadow
with Magic Puncture Pencil; Sanitary Napkin Rings in Little Miss, Moon
Maid and Stuck Pig Strength; and deported Italian Napagel Balls for
soaking or eating; and they're all slash-priced with the lady in mind...
-- Firesign Theatre
%
In days of old, when knights were bold,
And rubbers weren't invented,
They tied their socks around their cocks
And babies were prevented.
%
In France they piss on Main Street
(In pissoirs, Mama, not cheap display).
-- Joni Mitchell
%
In light of the New Morality, Playboy Inc. is offering a new version of
its magazine, for married men. Every month it has the same centerfold.
%
In outer space, nobody can hear you fart.
%
In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless
he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client
has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated
that "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time
ago."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL News
%
In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was without form.
And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So they spake unto
their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."
And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof."
Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying,
"It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none
may abide before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head
spake unto the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel
of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength."
And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical
Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it is
very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the
Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
growth of the Laboratories."
And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good!
%
In the romantic days of Warsaw, Viennese whores were known for their
beauty and delicacy. A gallant officer picked up one such lady of the
evening, who took him to her apartment. They made delicious love all
evening before drifting to sleep in each others' arms. In the morning
the man dressed, staring into a full-length mirror. The lady lay in her
bed watching him. Finally, she said softly,
"Didn't you forget something?"
"What did I forget?" asked the officer.
"You forgot about the money," said the lady.
"Oh, no," said the man, standing at ramrod attention.
"A Polish officer never accepts money."
%
In the shade of the old apple tree
Where between her fat legs I could see
A little brown spot
With the hair in a knot,
And it certainly looked good to me.
I asked as I tickled her tit
If she thought that my big thing would fit.
She said it would do
So we had a good screw In the shade of the old apple tree
In the shade of the old apple tree. I got all that was coming to me.
In the soft dewy grass
I could hear the dull buzz of the bee I had a fine piece of ass
As he sunk his grub hooks into me. From a maiden that was fine to see.
Her ass it was fine
But you should have seen mine
In the shade of the old apple tree.
%
In the stands here I see a young couple who must be in love -- they're
kissing on every pitch. He's kissing her on the strikes, and she's
kissing him on the balls.
-- Harry Caray, a Chicago sportscaster
%
Incest, n:
Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy.
%
Infatuation, n:
When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat.
When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants.
%
In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
%
====================
Inter-Dwarf Memo
To: Dwarf-list
From: Doc
Re: S. White
If that bitch cleans one more thermometer with Ajax, I'm gonna kill
her. I'll give her apples, nice big apples. With surprises inside. Yeah,
surprises.
%
====================
Inter-Dwarf Memo
To: Dwarf-list
From: Happy
Re: S. White
Let it be noted that if she whistles that goddamned song one
more time I'm gonna rip her fuckin' lips off. Have a nice day.
%
Israeli prime minister Shamir invited the Pope to play a round of golf. Since
the Pope hadn't the faintest of an idea how to play, he convened the college of
cardinals to ask their advice. "Call Arnold Palmer," they suggested, "make him
a cardinal and let him play in your place. Tell Shamir you couldn't make it."
Honored by His Holiness' request, Palmer agreed to represent him.
When he returned from the match, the Pope asked him how he had done. "I came
in second," Palmer replied.
"You mean to tell me Shamir beat you?"
"No, Your Holiness. Rabbi Nicklaus did."
%
It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
%
It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and
it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight
into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
-- Voltaire
%
It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have loved at all.
%
It is better to have Uranus in Cancer than to have Cancer in Uranus.
%
It is considered normal to consecrate virginity in the
general and lust for its destruction in the particular.
%
It is far better to sleep with an old hen than pullet.
%
It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury.
Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other
half are doing it.
-- Winston Churchill
%
It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it is one
damn thing over and over.
-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
%
It is not wise to make love more than once in the morning.
You never know who you'll meet later in the day.
%
It is one of the superstitions of the human mind
to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.
-- Voltaire
%
It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that
could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered,
broad-hipped, and short-legged race.
-- Schopenhauer
%
It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the
war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by
teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine." He asked a nurse
to fetch him a sample of urine. He then talked at length about Diabetes
mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that
the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which
means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine
of a diabetic ..."
By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the
registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw-colored
fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar then
startled us. He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his
finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed
his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample
was passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid,
all of us foolishly licked that finger.
"Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learnt the first
principle of diagnosis. I mean the power of observation." We were baffled.
We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some
anonymous patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said
continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but
licked my INDEX finger -- not like all you chaps.
%
It is very difficult to look at the possibility of lesbian sheep because
if you are a female sheep, what you do to solicit sex is to stand still.
Maybe there is a female sheep out there really wanting another female,
but there's just no way for us to know it.
-- Anne Perkins, in her study of sexuality in sheep.
%
It may not be funny, but it's damned amusing!
%
It must be admitted that we English have sex on the brain, which is a
very unfortunate place to have it.
-- Malcolm Muggeridge
%
It seems that a rabbi, a priest and a minister decided to go fishing one
sunny afternoon. All three climbed into the boat and headed for the middle
of the lake. After several hours of relaxation, the minister decided that
"nature was calling", and climbed out of the boat and walked ashore. In
a few moments, he walked back out to the boat and climbed back in.
The rabbi was absolutely astonished, but decided not to mention
the apparent miracle.
A few minutes later, the priest also decided to go ashore for a
moment, and climbed out of the boat, walked to shore, and a few minutes
later came back.
By now the rabbi was in great distress and had begun to doubt his
beliefs and wonder if there might be some validity to the Christian
teachings. But he immediately reaffirmed the fact that his faith WAS JUST
AS STRONG as either the priest's or the minister's and decided that anything
they could do, with God's help, he could do as well.
The rabbi then announced that he needed relief and would walk to
shore. He climbed out of the boat and went straight to the bottom of the
lake. While the rabbi was thrashing about in the water, the priest turned to
the minister and said, "So... do you think we ought to tell him where the
rocks are?"
%
It seems that a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a bar. The Scot
immediately singled out the bartender and proclaimed that drinks were
on the house, and that he expected him to serve only his best. The next
day, the headlines read: Irish Ventriloquist Beaten to Death Behind Bar.
%
It seems that John gets this phone call:
"Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end of the line
is hard and cold.
"This is Susan," he hears. "We met at a party a few months
ago.
"Of course, Susan!", John replies. "How are you?"
"Not very well. Remember how after the party you took me home and
we parked? And you told me that I was a 'good sport'? Well, I'm pregnant
and I'm going to kill myself tonight."
John is silent for a few moments, collecting his thoughts. "Well,"
he finally replies, "you sure *are* a good sport."
%
It seems that there was this Christian about to be thrown to the lions. He
was shoved into the middle of the arena and the lion was released. Being
a good Christian, as the lion approached he knelt and prayed, asking God for
forgiveness for his (few) sins, and begging that the lion might be dissuaded
from eating him for its breakfast. Much to his dismay, the lion didn't stop
but kept coming, getting faster and faster, now almost running, so the
Christian took off too. There they were, running around and around the arena,
the lion getting closer and the Christian praying harder and harder between
gasps for breath. The lions breath was now hot upon his heels and he could
even feel droplets of the lions saliva splashing on his bare feet. So he
pulled out all the stops, promising God that if the lion will only spare him,
he will devote the rest of his life to spreading the Christian faith,
forsaking all temptation and possessions. Suddenly he no longer felt the
lions breath, no longer heard the great beast's snarls close behind him.
Slowing to a stop, he turned around and saw the lion on its knees, eyes rolled
upward, paws held together. The lion appeared to be muttering something so
the Christian approached until he could make out what the lion was saying.
"Dear Lord, for what I am about to receive..."
%
It takes a brave man to admit his mistakes.
Especially in a paternity hearing.
%
It takes leather balls to play rugby.
(Blood makes the grass grow!)
%
It used to be a man's world, and the woman's place was in the home.
They can kiss that shit goodbye.
%
It was a female that drove me to drink
and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her.
-- R.E. Baber
%
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, and a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo.
They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and
the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting
excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse
off and we'll see what he does?"
At first she refused. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took
off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and
jumping up and down.
"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all
your clothes and we'll see what he does."
Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape
really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around
in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to
the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.
"Now," said the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a headache!"
%
It was almost closing time when a male patron who had been getting the
frosty treatment from a girl at the end of the bar called to the
bartender and said, "Give that bitchy douche bag over there one on me."
"We discourage that sort of language here, sir," the bartender
answered sternly.
"OK, OK. Serve the lady a cocktail with my compliments."
The bartender approached the female in question. "The, uh, gentleman
at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, miss. What would
you like?"
"Vinegar and water."
%
It was April the 41st,
Being a quadruple leap year.
I was driving in down-town Atlantis.
My Barracuda was in the shop,
So I was in a rented stingray
-- and it was over-heating.
So, I pulled into a Shell station.
They said I'd blown a seal.
I said "Fix the damned thing and leave my private
life out of it, okay pal?"
-- Wet Dreams
%
It was at the eighth annual mouse convention and mice from near and far had
gathered for the ball. A pretty little female mouse waltzed by the stag
line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to himself.
Turning to another mouse he said, "Look at the legs on that bitch, aren't
they beautiful?"
"Just fair," was the answer.
"You're crazy," said the first mouse and then turning to another,
asked his opinion.
"They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited
about."
"Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse. "Now
you," he said to a fourth mouse, "what did you think?"
"To tell you the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs;
I'm a tit mouse myself."
%
It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a romantic haze.
"Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last. It's all like a wonderful
dream!"
Her husband didn't answer. A few moments passed. She sighed again
and said, "I'm afraid I'll awake in a moment and find it isn't true."
Still no response from her spouse. Another pause and another
sensuous sigh, then, softly, "I just can't believe that I'm really your
wife."
"Damn it," growled her mate, "as soon as I get this shoelace untied,
you will!"
%
It was his third marriage and her fourth. He was quite surprised when on
their honeymoon she pleaded, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"Darling, what do you mean you're still a virgin? You've been
married three times."
"Yes, but they all worked for DEC. The first was a salesman,
and all he ever did was promise how good it would be. The second was one
of their software hacks, he told me to take care of it myself. And the
third was a field service representative, and he kept promising that it
would be up in 15 minutes.
%
It was New Year's Eve and the house was brightly decorated with holiday
trappings. The only sound that broke the quiet was the click of Grandma's
knitting needles. The children; Jane, eight and Mary, five, were seated
in front of a cheerily burning fire, leafing through a picture book.
Tiring of this, they went over to Grandma's rocker. Jane climbed up on
the arm of the chair and Mary snuggled into Grandma's cozy lap.
"Tell us a story," begged Mary.
"Oh," said the old lady, laying aside her knitting and wrapping
her arms around the children. "What story should I tell you?"
"Tell us our favorite story," whispered little Jane eagerly.
"About the time you were a hooker in Chicago."
%
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell them about the deer, but I ended up
not doing it. That was one thing I kept to myself. I've never spoken or
written of it until just now, today. And I have to tell you that it seems
a lesser thing written down, damn near inconsequential. But for me it was
the best part of that trip, the cleanest part, and it was a moment I found
myself returning to, almost helplessly, when there was trouble in my life --
my first day in the bush in Vietnam, and this fellow walked into the clearing
where we were with his hand over his nose and when he took his hand away there
was no nose there because it had been shot off; the time the doctor told us
our youngest son might be hydrocephalic (he turned out just to have an
oversized head, thank God); the long crazy weeks before my mother died. I
would find my thoughts turning back to that morning, the scuffed suede of
her ears, the white flash of her tail. But eight hundred million Red Chinese
don't give a shit, right? The most important things are the hardest to say,
because words diminish them. It's hard to make strangers care about the
good things in your life.
-- Stephen King, "The Body"
%
It was the first day of a new term at Princeton, and a Texas A&M freshman
was learning his way around the campus. Stopping a distinguished looking
upperclassman, he inquired,
"Say, buddy, can you tell me where the library is at?"
"My good fellow," came the reply, "at Princeton we do not end our
sentences with a preposition."
"All right," said the freshman, "can you tell me where the library
is at, asshole?"
%
It was this guy's first day in the penitentiary; he was in a cell with a
huge burley inmate, and he was pretty nervous. At lights-out, the inmate
jumped out of his bunk, and, turning to our hero, said, "We're going to
have sex! You want to be the Mommy or the Daddy?"
A very terrified hero managed to squeak out, "Uh, well, uh, I guess
I'll be the Daddy."
"OK," smiled his roommate, "get down here and suck your Momma's dick!"
%
It's a bit hard to bullshit the ocean. It's not listening, you know
what I mean.
-- David Crosby
%
It's a bitch being butch.
%
It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything
on earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married.
%
It's a question of Napoleon brandy versus Ripple.
I am mellow and amber and I go down real smooth.
-- Rita Moreno, commenting in Newsweek on the sex appeal
of older women versus younger women
%
"It's always the same," the girl sighed to her roommate after returning
in the wee, small hours. "Afterward, I feel so compromised, so cheap, so
soiled... so absolutely wonderful from head to toe!"
%
It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
-- Joan Rivers
%
It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.
%
It's hard to keep a good girl down -- but lots of fun trying.
%
It's midnight. The old man is awake, nervously pacing the floor, as his
20-year-old son comes in.
"Whatta you mean? You staya out alla night, you runna around widda
bums. Whatta you trying to do?"
"Papa, don't talk like that," replies the boy.
"Who-a you, tella me notta talka like that? You no work, you
chase-a bad women, whatta become of you?"
"Papa, *please* don't talk like that."
"Don'ta talka like that? Whatta you mean? Why shouldn't I talka
likka that?"
"Papa, we're not Italian."
%
It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame.
-- Sean O'Huiginn
%
It's not pretty being easy.
%
It's not the ups and downs of love, it's the ins and outs.
%
It's so fuckin' great to be alive!
%
It's the sighs that count.
%
I've been feeling kind of jealous,
Of all them well-hung fellas,
Like Michael, Rod, and Mick. It would have to be a big one,
Tell me, Doctor can you mend me? A giant, horny love gun,
I've a case of penis envy -- To let me be a jock.
If I only had a dick. Girls would never beg my pardon,
They would turn on to my hardon --
If I only had a cock.
Oh, I can tell you now,
The number of times I'd score,
I could fuck girls like I would not be just a housewife,
I never have before, Living a little mouse-life
And then I'd cum (wee!) In days that drag out long.
And fuck some more! I would dance and I'd be merry
Life would be a ding-a-derry
If I only had a dong!
-- to "If I Only Had A Brain", The Wizard of Oz
%
I've been told that it's far more sensuous to have a woman leave something
on rather than being totally nude. Myself, I've always felt that the lights
were more than enough.
%
I've been watching you closely to see if you have been good this year;
and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me
to leave under your tree on Christmas. I was going to bring you all the
gifts from the twelve days of Christmas, but we had a little problem up here.
The twelve fiddlers fiddling have all come down with V.D. from fiddling with
the ten ladies dancing, the eleven lords-a-leaping have knocked up the eight
maids-a-milking, and the nine pipers piping have been arrested for doing
weird things to the seven swans-a-swimming and the six geese-a-laying. The
four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and the partridge
in the pear tree have me up to my ass in birdshit. On top of all this, Mrs.
Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves
have joined gay liberation, and those dumb ass Polacks have scheduled
Christmas for the fifth of February. I'll do what I can.
Sincerely,
Santa
%
I've finally found the perfect girl,
I couldn't ask for more,
She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed,
And owns a liquor store.
%
I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket.
-- Lyndon B. Johnson
Don't see 'em this big out here, do they?
-- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters in a
public toilet during a tour of the Far East
%
Jack an Jill went up the hill.
Jill went down,
Jack came.
%
Jack and Jill went up a hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown Jack on Jill produced a thrill
And Jill came tumbling after. When on the ground he got her,
Then went down and told the town
He tumbled Jill and gaffed her.
Jack to Jill thus did such ill
That Jill, to pay the rotter,
Told the town Jack's crown broke down Jack and Jill have split the bill
When he set out to shaft her. Since Jack led Jill to totter.
Half the town deals Jill a frown
And half greets Jack with laughter.
%
Jack and Jill went up the hill
Each had a buck and a quarter.
Jill came down with two and a half --
And you thought that they went for water.
%
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill,
Each had a buck and a quarter!
Jill came down,
With two and a half,
You think they went for water?
%
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick.
Jack jumped over the candle stick,
And burnt his balls.
%
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack jumped over the candle stick.
But Jack wasn't so nimble,
Jack wasn't so quick,
So Jack's in the hospital, with a burned up dick!
%
Jehovah is an alien and still threatens this planet!
%
Jesus died for your sins... make it worth his time.
%
Jesus has just stopped the crowd from stoning Mary Magdalene to death
and is berating the self-pious with the famous speech, "Let the one
among you who is without sin cast the first stone..."
Right about then, a rock comes winging through the air and hits
Jesus upside the head. He whirls around and shouts "Alright, Mom, c'mon!
I'm trying to make a point, here!"
%
Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you're a dork.
%
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
-- Michael O'Donohugh
%
Jesus Never Fails
(He's never taken the Massachusetts Bar Exam, either.)
%
Jesus Saves!
(And Esposito scores on the rebound!)
%
Jesus Saves,
Moses Invests,
But only Buddha pays Dividends.
%
Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
%
Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food.
-- From the movie "My Favorite Year".
%
Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy, Gary Hart, Joseph Biden and Michael Dukakis were
on a cruise down the Potomac when the ship struck a rock and began to sink.
"Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the
women and children aboard the lifeboats first."
"Fuck the women!" Kennedy shouted.
"Do we have time?" Hart asked.
"Do we have time?" Biden asked.
"Did everyone hear that?" Dukakis asked.
%
Joan of Arc is alive and medium well.
%
John Paul II is famous for his touring, and his quaint habit of pressing
his lips to foreign soil on his arrival. This sparked some wit to remark:
"The Pope has it backwards: he kisses the ground, and walks on
the women!"
%
Johnny Carson's Observation on Geriatrics:
Sex in the sixties is great, but it improves if you pull
over to the side of the road.
%
Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get
a prompt, type like hell.
%
Just go with the flow control, roll with the
crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell.
%
Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of
blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys
like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky
or sea as much as I used to because of this Levi character. If Jesus Christ
came back today, He and I would get into our brown corduroys and go to the
nearest jean store and overturn the racks of blue denim. Then we'd get
crucified in the morning.
-- Ian Anderson, of Jethro Tull
%
Kansas, where the men are men, the sheep
are scared and the women are grateful.
%
kasha, n:
Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only one
problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"?
I know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't help you
much.
-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex
for the students, and parking for the faculty.
%
King Louis gave a lesson in class,
One time while enjoying a lass.
When she used the word "Damn"
He rebuked her: "Please ma'am,
Keep a more civil tongue in my ass."
%
Kissing, petting, and even intercourse are all right as long as they are
sincere. I have never given a kiss in my life that wasn't sincere. As
for intercourse, I'd say three times a day was about right.
-- Margaret Sangor
%
Kitten with a whip, Teddy bear in chains, Puss in leather boots,
tail, swish swish, spread on a bed; rising thigh high;
take what you will, fantasy games, black rubber suits;
get what you wish. deep in your head. making him cry.
Squirm from the blows, Now pussy's all hot, Teddy bear sighs;
writhe from the pain; from the power trip; kitty's on top;
but teddy bear knows, ready or not, there's fire in her eyes,
that he wants it again. next swing's from and the cat won't stop.
the hip.
The world explodes, Teddy's still tied; Kitten with a whip,
her claws dig in; lying all alone; tail, swish swish,
then kitty cat goes, even if he tried, take what you will,
cause she's through he couldn't go home. get what you wish.
with him.
-- Kitten With A Whip
%
Knowledge Engineering:
A combination of:
Engineering, n:
The application of science and mathematics by which the properties
of matter and the sources of energy in nature are made useful to man in
structures, machines, products, systems and processes.
and
Knowledge, n:
Sexual intercourse.
See also: Prostitution, Grantsmanship.
%
Konrad Lorenz, the great animal behaviorist, was scrupulous about cultivating
fruitful confusion. Lorenz lived among his research subjects: dozens of
species of mammals, birds, reptiles, and fishes. He did not quantify, control,
or consciously experiment. He got to know each creature individually, then
threw them together, watching for the unexpected, the unusual, or the bizarre
in the chaos that followed. For example, his interest in one of ethology's
most important concepts, that of intention movements (motions with meaning,
such as the head bobbing in birds that serves as an alarm signal before
flight), derived from an inadvertent experiment. He had trained a free-flying
raven to eat raw meat from his hand and had been feeding the bird for several
hours one day. He would reach into his pants pocket and take out a piece of
meat, and the raven would swoop down to grab it in its bill. By and by, Lorenz
went to relieve himself near a hedge. When the raven saw him put his hand
into his pants and pull out another morsel of meat, it swooped down, hungrily
grasping the new mouthful in its bill. Lorenz howled in pain. But the event
left a deep impression on him -- about how faithfully animals respond to
intention movements, that is.
-- The Sciences, May/June, 1988, N.Y. Academy of Science.
%
Kotex, n:
Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best.
%
Kumquat, n:
Any of several small citrus fruits with sweet spongy rind and
somewhat acidic pulp that are used chiefly for preserves.
Extremely popular in some forms of sexual intercourse. In fact,
an early indication that your partner is willing to experiment
sexually may be a rather insistent moaning of "kumquat, kumquat"
during orgasm.
Note: this is *not* to be confused with a warning from your
partner that his/her parents are upstairs and probably awake.
%
Labia majora, n:
The curly gates.
%
Lady to Golf Pro: "I was stung by bees on your golf course!"
Pro: "Ummm, well, where?"
Lady: "Between the 1st and 2nd holes."
Pro: "That's going to real tough to treat."
%
lagnaf, n:
Let's All Get Naked And Fuck!
%
Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
%
"Last night," said a lassie named Ruth,
"In a long-distance telephone booth,
I enjoyed the perfection
Of an ideal connection --
I was screwed, if you must know the truth."
%
Last week I saw a girl in a sweater so tight I could hardly breathe.
%
lawyer, n:
Someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to "following too
closely."
%
Lawyers do it to everyone.
%
Left a good broad by the river,
Traveled back into town just to get some rest!
Waited for 10 hours,
Went back to the river,
But I couldn't get her out of that mess!
chorus:
Poor Mary Jo Kopechne,
Dead Mary Jo Kopechne,
Rollin'... rollin'... rollin' down the window!
If you're gonna run for office,
And you know that it's an election year.
Don't go in the river,
'Specially by way of bridges,
It could put an end to your political career!
(chorus)
-- Poor Mary Jo, to the tune of "Proud Mary"
%
"Lemme show ya the odds, Sparky... In yer country, ya got 14 million black
people, and 3 million white people. Now, does the name `Custer' mean anything
to you?"
-- Robin Williams, portraying Lester Maddox talking to Prime
Minister Botha of South Africa.
%
Les salons de la ville de Trieste
Sont vaseux, suraigus, at funestes;
Parmi les grandes chaises
On cause des malaises,
Des estropiements, et des pestes.
-- Edward Gorey
%
Let a Field Service Engineer put it in.
%
Liberace was at heaven's gate when Saint Peter told him that he'd been
disqualified from entering.
Stunned, Liberace asked, "Why?"
"Our records show that you once ate a parakeet," Saint Peter answered.
"I never did that," Liberace replied. "Can't you check your records?
They *must* be wrong!"
"It says right here that on August 15, 1981, you ate a chartreuse
parakeet with black trim."
"Hey, listen, you must be thinking of Ozzy Osbourne, " Liberace
replied. "Now, I might have had a cockatoo..."
%
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for
employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are
prostitutes. All Libra people die of Venereal disease.
%
Lick-a-dee-clit!
%
Life is a bitch, but the puppies can be cute.
%
Life is a shit sandwich, and every day you get to take another bite.
It's just that some days are TWO BITE days ...
%
Life is having a mother-in-law that sucks and a wife that don't.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
Life is like a cucumber -- one moment it's
in your hand, the next it's up your ass.
%
Life is like a penis: when it's soft you
can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked.
%
Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread
you have, the less shit you have to eat.
%
Life is not a cabaret.
It's a fucking circus.
%
Life isn't a bitch. Life is a virgin. A bitch is easy.
%
Like private parts to the Gods are we,
they play with us for their sport.
-- Lord Melchett (Blackadder 2)
%
Limericks are art forms complex,
Their topics run chiefly to sex.
They usually have virgins,
And masculine urgin's,
And other erotic effects.
%
Lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you,
Lipstick on your dipstick said you were untrue.
Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through,
'Cause lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you.
-- To the tune of "Lipstick On Your Collar"
%
Lisp hackers
... do it in CARS.
... do it with tail recursion.
... first do it in the front, then do it in the back.
... have DEFUN while doing it.
... have to be bound to do it.
... have Moby dicks.
%
Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
%
Lisp programmers do it deeper and deeper and deeper.
%
Little Boy Blew... he needed the money.
%
LITTLE DEATH: (la petite mort) Some women do indeed pass right out, the
'little death' of French poetry. Men occasionally do the same. The
experience is not unpleasant, but it can scare an inexperienced partner
cold. A friend of ours had this happen with the first girl he ever slept
with. On recovery she explained, "I am awfully sorry, but I always do that."
By then he had called the police and an ambulance. So there is no cause
for alarm, any more than over the yells, convulsions, hysterical laughter,
or sobbing, or any of the other quite unexpected reactions that go along
with complete orgasm in some people. By contrast others simply shut their
eyes, but enjoy it no less. Sound and fury can be a flattering testimony
to a partners skills, but a fallacious one, because they don't depend on the
intensity of feeling, nor it upon them.
-- The Joy of Sex
%
Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day at bedtime, his mother
told him that the next day was a very special one. If he prayed extra
hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning. The next
morning she came into Herbie's room and asked him if he'd prayed hard
the night before.
"Yes, Mommie," was his reply, "all night long!"
"Well, then," she said, "open your eyes and you'll know that
your prayers have been answered."
Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out,
"Mother! Mother! I still can't see!"
"I know, dear," said his mother, "April Fool."
%
Little Johnny with a grin,
Drank up all of daddy's gin,
Mother said, when he was plastered,
Go to bed, you little love-child.
%
Little known facts: the dirtiest words used on television during the
1950's were uttered by June Cleaver.
"Gee, Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"
%
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider,
And bit her right in the snatch.
%
Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider,
Who sat down beside her,
And said, "What's in the bowl, bitch?"
%
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her knickers all tattered and torn.
For it wasn't a spider that sat down beside her,
But Little Boy Blue with his horn!
%
Little Miss Muffet,
Sat on her tuffet,
Smoking some THC.
Along came a narc'er who sat down beside her
And said, "So... what's in the bag, bitch?!"
%
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit
her grandmother when a wolf jumped out from behind a tree.
"Aha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you, and I'm going to eat you."
"Eat, eat, eat," said Little Red Riding Hood angrily,
"Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"
%
Long, long ago, in the Old West, a rancher rode into town to buy supplies.
When he returned, he found that his whole family had been killed, his wife
raped, his house burned, and all his cattle rustled. When he told his
distant neighbors about the tragedy, a few of them reported that the only
stranger they had seen in the area for weeks was a tall desperado wearing a
black hat and a red neckerchief.
The cowboy saddled his fastest horse and set out to find the villain.
He searched for months but couldn't catch up with the culprit; in town after
dusty town he was told that a man fitting the description had been there but
had just departed; usually after some heinous crime.
One evening after a hard day's ride he came into a town, tied his
horse, and entered the saloon. At a table in the corner sat an ugly man,
with a black hat and a red neckerchief! Slowly the cowboy stalked up to
this man, his hands resting upon his guns.
"Are you the man who killed my family, raped my wife, burned my
house and rustled my cattle?"
"Probably; after so many, how can I be sure?" snarled the bandit.
"You better cut that shit out!"
%
Look out for yourself -- or they'll pee on your grave.
-- Louis B. Mayer
The reason so many people showed up at Louis B. Mayer's funeral
was because they wanted to make sure he was dead.
-- Samuel Goldwyn
%
Love comes in spurts.
%
Love comes in spurts.
--Devo, "Please Please"
%
Love is blind but desire doesn't give a good goddam.
-- James Thurber
%
Love is eating her even when she's not having her period.
%
Love is just for now ... herpes lasts forever.
%
Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin -- it's the triumphant
twang of a bedspring.
-- S.J. Perelman
%
Love is two minutes and fifty-two seconds of squishy sounds.
-- Johnny Rotten
%
Luser, n:
Someone who picks up a female
hitch-hiker walking home from a date.
%
Ma Bell runs a baudy house.
%
Macho, adj:
Jogging home from a vasectomy.
%
Male, n:
Life support system for a cock.
%
Man in stall:
Hey, buddy? Is there any toilet paper out there?
Man at sink:
No, I don't see any. Just a second... Nope, none in
any of the other stalls either.
A minute passes.
Man in stall:
Say, buddy?
Man at sink:
Yeah?
Man in stall:
You got change for a ten?
%
Man who dance in crowded ballroom
dance cheek to cheek with woman behind him.
%
Man who keep money in jockstrap has financial matters all balled up.
%
Man's lust for a bust is hardly recent,
Some say not even indecent.
But if you lust,
It's a must!
%
Many a bachelor feels the need to insert his masculinity.
%
Many a man has decided to stay alive not because of the will to live, but
because of the determination not to give assorted surviving bastards the
satisfaction of his death.
-- Brendan Francis
%
Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would
not have chosen a suit by it.
-- Maurice Chevalier
%
Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the
whole girl.
-- Stephen Leacock
%
Many a man who thinks he's going on a maiden voyage with
a woman finds out later that it was just a shake-down cruise.
%
Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God
is a cruel and capricious tyrant.
-- Edward Gibbon
%
Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover.
But she can never catch him at it.
%
Many a woman hasn't realized that she was raped until the check bounced.
%
Many nice things suck.
%
Marijuana is like Coors beer. If you could buy the damn stuff
at a Georgia filling station, you'd decide you wouldn't want it.
-- Billy Carter
%
Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
-- Peter De Vries
%
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out,
you lose interest.
-- Professor Irwin Corey
%
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece as white as snow.
It followed her to school one day,
And got fucked by a big black dog.
%
Mary had a little lamb,
She kept it in a bucket.
And every time she let it out,
The bulldog used to
Chase it around the garden.
%
Mary had a little lamb,
The lamb turned out to be a ram,
Now Mary has a little lamb.
%
Mary had a little sheep,
And with the sheep she went to sleep,
The sheep turned out to be a ram,
And Mary had a little lamb.
%
Mary had a little watch;
She swallowed it one day.
And so she took some Ex-Lax
To pass the time away.
But when she took the Ex-Lax
The time it did not pass.
So when you want to know the time,
Just look up Mary's ...
Uncle, he has a watch, too.
%
Masturbation! The amazing availability of it!
-- James Joyce
%
masturbation, n:
A self-service elevator.
%
masturbation, n:
Coming unscrewed.
%
Math is to physics like masturbation is to sex.
%
Mathematicians
... do it in groups.
... do it in theory.
... take it to the limit.
%
Mathematicians do it with a small, imaginary part.
%
Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can play.
-- James Blish, "Beep/The Quincunx of Time"
%
May a deranged midget on a pogo stick
take refuge in your sister's hoop skirt.
%
May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
%
May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H.
%
May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
%
Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low
opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer!
%
McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
If an item is advertised as "under $50",
you can bet your ass it's not $19.95.
%
McQuillan was on the stand. The case involved a railroad and several of
the passengers who were injured.
"You say," thundered the counsel for the railroad, "that you saw
the two trains crash head on while doing sixty miles an hour. What did you
think when you saw this happen ?"
I thought," replied the Irishman, "this is one *helluva* way to run
a railroad."
%
Me father makes book on the corner,
Me mother makes second hand gin,
Me sister makes love for a dollar,
And that's how the money rolls in!
Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in!
(Rolls in!)
Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in!
Me father sells cheap prophylactics,
Me mum pokes the tips with a pin,
Me sister performs the abortions,
And that's how the money rolls in!
Me uncle's a poor missionary,
He saves fallen women from sin.
He'll save you a blonde for five dollars,
And that's how the money rolls in.
%
Me, I love the rich. *Somebody* has to love them. Sure, a lot
of rich people are assholes, but believe me, a lot of poor people
are assholes too. And an asshole with money can at least pay
for his own drinks.
-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
%
Meanwhile back at the oasis, the Ay-rabs wuz busy a-eatin' their dates!
%
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Granny was a-beating off the Indians, but
they jus' kept on a-comin'. Back at the outhouse, things were a-pilin' up.
And, as the U.S. Fourth Calvary mounted the hill, Tonto, cleverly disguised
as a doorknob, came off in the Lone Ranger's hand.
%
Meet Elmer, young son of the Thorpes,
Afflicted with psychotic warps.
His idea of fun
Is to bugger a nun,
And then vomit all over the corpse.
%
Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on
ME, waiting for ME to make my move!"
(from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!"
Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
%
Men -- can't live with 'em, can't leave
'em by the curb when you're done.
%
Men have many faults,
Women only two:
Everything they say,
And everything they do!
%
Men will fuck mud.
-- Lenny Bruce
%
menage a trois, n:
Using both hands to masturbate.
%
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines
also often feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female
body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and
should not be seen by the light of day.
-- Richard Roeper, "Men and Women Are Different"
%
Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it
has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very
closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing
the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...
[EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important
world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the
next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.]
... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your
cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of
billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even more
interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a fact. Your
skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran cells,
who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices with nice
views, are constantly being shoved out the window head first, without so
much as a pension plan, by younger hotshot cells moving up from below.
-- Dave Barry
%
Meteorologist, n:
A man who can look in a woman's eyes and predict whether.
%
Mickey Mouse has a long talk one day with a psychiatrist, after which
the psychiatrist interviews Minnie Mouse. A few days later Mickey meets
with the psychiatrist, and the following conversation ensues:
Sigmund : I talked with Minnie after talking with you.
Mickey : Oh?
Sigmund : I couldn't find anything wrong with her -- she isn't insane.
Mickey : Idiot! I didn't say she was insane -- I said she was
fuckin' Goofy.
%
Miguel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote. Milton wrote Paradise Lost, then his
wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
%
"Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's
testicles for a bet... God, that bloody sheep kicked him!"
-- Ripping Yarns
%
Missed the train at the railway station
Oh hell, blast, and damnation!
Asked a lady in there if she had the time,
She said "Yes", and a strong inclination.
%
Missionary position:
The missionary on top.
%
Mistress Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockle shells,
And one really fucked-up petunia.
%
Mistress, n:
Something between a mister and a mattress.
%
mixed emotions:
Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff...
in your brand new Mercedes.
%
Montana:
Where men are men and women are sheep.
%
Moody bitch in search of...
kind, considerate, loving man. Objective, love-hate relationship.
%
Moody bitch with attitude, seeks nice,
good-looking guy to dump on.
%
Morris left for a two-day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few
blocks from his house, when he realized that he had left the airplane
tickets on his bureau top. He returned and quietly entered the house.
His wife, in her skimpiest negligee, was standing at the sink washing
the breakfast dishes. She looked so inviting that he tiptoed up behind
her, reached out, and squeezed her breast.
"Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Morris won't be here
for breakfast tomorrow."
%
Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss
out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel.
%
Most men would never get laid if it weren't for the pity fuck.
%
Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
-- Frank Zappa
%
Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity
to be otherwise.
-- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
%
Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some.
%
Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis:
it stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
%
Moustache rides, 50 cents.
%
Mr. Rection, Mr. Hugh G. Rection, please pick up a white courtesy telephone!
%
Mrs. Johnson had a very beautiful and intelligent parrot. He had just one
problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens. Mrs. Johnson scolded him
time and time again, but he would just laugh at her. Finally, she told him
that if he did it again, she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of
his head. Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but one day, he just
couldn't resist going next door. Besides, he figured she was bluffing.
Well, Mr. Hawkins came over, ranting and raving about how the parrot
had been fucking his chickens again. Mrs. Johnson didn't say a word, just
took out her scissors and cut off all of the parrot's head feathers.
That night, Mrs. Johnson had a big party at her house. Before it
started, she took the parrot and put him on top of the piano by the front
door. "Since you disobeyed me today, you have to stay here on the piano
tonight. Now, don't you dare move."
Well, the parrot was pretty pissed off about having his head bare,
and he wasn't too happy about having to spend the whole evening on the piano.
Still, as he usually did, when the butler would announce the guests as they
arrived, he would say hello to them. Just then, two bald-headed men came to
the door.
Before the butler could say anything, the parrot yelled, "Okay, you
chicken-fuckers, up here on the piano with me!"
%
Murphy's Discovery:
Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk
to women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and
everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine
months later, you're in trouble!
%
Musing on her present and past professions as "dominant/sadomasochism
fantasy fulfiller" and dental hygienist, Sybil said, "I couldn't really
understand why I wanted to be a dental hygienist, but years later, after
being in the SM world a long time, I figured it out: I'm in uniform,
they're not. I'm standing up, they're lying down. I'm doing painful
things to them for their own good. This is so ME."
-- The Daily Cal, September 29, 1992 In an article titled:
"Kinky sex remains alive and whipping despite threat
of AIDS, book reveals"
%
My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer
dahlias.
-- William Allen White
%
My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet.
He goes around with his head stuck up his ass.
%
My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him
in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was
Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus.
-- T. Bywater
%
My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
-- Alexandre Dumas
%
My girlfriend's favorite erotic position is bending over my credit cards.
%
My godda bless, never I see sucha people.
-- Signor Piozzi, quoted by Cecilia Thrale
%
My idea of a wild party is where you throw the girls' panties at the wall
and they stick.
-- Johnny Bob
%
My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
My mother was a test tube; my father was a knife.
-- Friday
%
My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. One day my wife
came home early from work and found us in bed together.
-- Lenny Bruce
%
My mothers are wholly ignorant of the almost universal prevalence of secret
vice, or self-abuse, among the young. Why hesitate to say firmly and without
quibble that personal abuse lies at the root of much of the feebleness,
paleness, nervousness, and good-for-nothingness of the entire community?
-- Dr. J.H. Kellogg, "The Ladies Guide", Modern Medicine
Publishing Company, 1895. Dr. Kellogg helped invent
corn flakes and peanut butter. In addition to denouncing
masturbation, he believed that smoking caused cancer and
that certain ailments could be cured by rolling a
cannonball on the stomach.
%
My reaction to porno films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I
want to go home and screw. After the first twenty minutes, I never want
to screw again as long as I live.
-- Erica Jong
%
My sex life hasn't been so good; either fist or famine.
%
My travel agent's an Oxford chap
Who rolls his eyes when he speaks.
I asked him about the Isle of Man
For a journey of about six weeks.
And this is what he said to me
As he looked me right in the eye,
"For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip
Of Elephant Shit On Rye."
A brand-new store just opened its door
At the corner of 5th and Vine
And I happened to be standing right outside
When they turned on their neon sign.
I heard a strange sound, I looked around,
And that's when I almost died,
They nearly knocked me down to be the first in town
To get their Elephant Shit On Rye!
%
My wife and I only smoke after sex. I've had the same pack since 1967.
She's up to three packs a day.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
My wife has breast cancer. She told me to start dating.
-- Howard Stern
%
Naeser's Law:
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
%
Naked children are so perfectly pure and lovely. I confess I do not admire
naked boys. They always seem to me to need clothes -- whereas one hardly
sees why the lovely forms of girls should ever be covered up.
-- Lewis Carroll
%
Naked couple in bed, woman says to man:
"When I said I had a foot fetish, I was referring to cocks."
%
Nancy Reagan wants to divorce old Ron...
seems he's making it hard for everyone but her.
%
National Sex Week -- don't let your meat loaf.
%
navel, n:
A place to stash your gum on the way down.
%
Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
Watch who you sleep with.
%
necrophilia, n:
Dead boring.
incest, n:
Relatively boring.
%
necrophilia, n:
Dropping in for a cold one.
%
Need to buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
Try Fredricks of Ithaca, New York.
%
Negotiate my ass, let's kill something!
%
Never fly under a seagull - they'll shit on your airplane.
-- Gordon Cooper
%
"Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work! Why do you think I CAME here?"
"Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure."
%
Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds.
%
NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on
a short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of
our "Big John" doll.)
%
New book out from Gary Hart; "Six Inches from the White House".
%
New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation;
it's the asshole of the universe.
-- Jonathan Michael Smith
%
New York:
Where men are men, sheep enjoy it, and lepers laugh their heads off.
%
Newlywed groom:
Honey, I have something to confess to you. I'm a golfer.
You'll never see me on Tuesday nights, Thursday nights,
and weekends. I'm sorry.
Newlywed bride:
I have something even worse to confess, dear. I'm a hooker.
Groom:
Oh, honey, that's no problem! Just keep your head low and follow
through...
%
Newsflash:
Apparently the rapture did occur last Tuesday as was originally
predicted. All true believers were transported to heaven while the rest
of us were left behind to await the Anti-Christ and the end of the world.
Widespread reports that the rapture had not occurred stemmed from
expectations that the effect would be more widespread than it turned out
to be. The definition of "true believer" was apparently more restrictive
than expected, however, and the only qualifiers were a family of five,
living in Stenton, North Dakota.
%
Next, upon a stool, we've a sight to make you drool.
Seven virgins and a mule, keep it cool, keep it cool.
-- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2)
%
Nice computers don't go down.
%
Nine out of ten men who preferred Camels have switched back to women.
%
Nine reasons a taco is better than a woman:
1: Tacos don't put frilly covers on the toilet seat
so the lid won't stay up.
2: Tacos don't use your razor on their legs.
3: Tacos don't say "That's okay, it doesn't have to be good for me."
4: Tacos don't get upset if you eat another taco, "Just for fun."
5: Tacos will never contest a divorce,
demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything.
6: Tacos won't ask you about your last lover,
or speculate about your next one.
7: A taco will never make a scene because
there are other tacos in the refrigerator.
8: It's easy to drop a taco.
9: Tacos don't want to sleep on your chest.
%
Ninety percent of everything is crap.
-- Theodore Sturgeon
%
No matter how clever the hardware boys
are, the software boys piss it away.
%
No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent".
-- Greg Bear
%
Non Illegitemus Carborundum.
[Don't let the bastards wear you down.]
%
Not everyone has a one-track mind.
-- From a Bisexuality 101 talk
%
Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends.
-- Woody Allen
%
nothing, adj:
A man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose.
%
Now a Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient
tribes of Judea ... but you and I know what a Jew is -- one who killed
Our Lord ... A lot of people say to me "Why did you kill Christ?" What
can I say? It was an accident. It was one of those parties that got out
of hand, you know... We killed him because he didn't want to become
a doctor, that's why we killed him.
-- Lenny Bruce
%
Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle
Who said with a wink and a smile,
"Sure, please stick it in,
Be it thick be it thin,
But if's rough I won't do as a file."
%
Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind-
bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers
have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence
of God. The argument follows: "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God,
"for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing." "But," says Man,
"the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved
by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguments,
you don't. QED." "Oh, dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and
promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
-- D. Adams
%
Now what would they do if I just sailed away?
Who the hell really compelled me to leave today?
Runnin' low on stories of what made it a ball,
What would they do if I made no landfall?"
-- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall"
%
Nurse Jones is a regular on the newsgroup [alt.sex.bondage], and
occasionally has problems with folks harassing her. She came up
with this in response to one...
Fortunately, my ego isn't as fragile as that woodpecker's wing.
When fratboy called me a dyke I told him that actually I was
bisexual, but that he shouldn't feel threatened because he didn't
meet either of my standards. But if it makes you feel more
comfortable, I said, my husband tied me to the bedposts this
morning and screwed the daylights out of me.
"Just think," said
Nurse Jones,
"... that was four
hours ago and
my sperm count
is probably *still*
higher than yours."
%
Nybble me... Byte me... Unsigned long int me...
%
Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.
-- Joseph Pulitzer
%
Obscene? Obscene is young men being trained to drop fire on people, but
their commanders not allowing them to write "fuck" on their airplanes
because it's obscene.
%
Obscenity is a crutch for lazy Motherfuckers.
%
Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
%
Of course, I speak of nothing else but that classic of understated yet wildly
exciting eroticism, "The Windflower," by Laura London. Ms. London is the
author of such other philosophical block-busters as "Bad Baron's Daughter,"
"A Heart Too Proud," "Moonlight Mist," and most thigh-warming of all, "Gypsy
Heiress". Well, glasses-steaming scenes are to be found on every page, to
an extent which overwhelms Your Humble Narrator, and so, in order to save
himself extreme embarrassment, he brings you... the blurb:
"Every lady of breeding knows: no one has a good time on a pirate
ship. No one, that is, but the pirates. Yet there she was, Merry Wilding
-- kidnapped in error, taken from a ship bound from New York to England,
spirited away in a barrel and swept aboard the infamous "Black Joke"...
There she was, trembling with pleasure in the arms of her achingly handsome,
sensationally sensual, golden-haired captor -- Devon."
%
Of course, most people eventually give up bowling for sex.
The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes.
%
Oh, baby, put two fingers here and one finger there and call me bitch.
%
Oh give me a home, where the bookmakers roam,
Where the beer and the whiskey flows free,
Where never is heard, a discouraging word,
And the call-girls keep callin' for me!
%
Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog Rover,
That got run over with my mower.
One leg is missing, and one other is gone,
The fourth one is scattered all over the lawn.
It's no use explain'n, the one remaining,
It landed by the kitchen door.
Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog rover,
that ain't gonna walk no more...
-- Tune is something about a four-leaf clover.
%
Oh John, let's not park here.
Oh John, let's not park.
Oh John, let's not.
Oh John, let's.
Oh John.
Oh.
%
Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive.
-- Don Herold
%
OLD FELLA RED CLARET
Produce of Australia -- "The Big 69'er"
An unusual "Rough-as-Guts" wine that has the Distinctive Bouquet of old
and ill-cared for animals. It is best drunk with the teeth clenched to
prevent ingestion of the seeds and skins. Connoisseurs will savour the
slight Tannin Taste of burnt shag feathers and soiled medical dressings.
Possessors of a cultivated Palate admire the initial assault on the taste
buds which comes from the careful and loving blending of circus hosings
with perished jock straps. The maturing in Midland Abattoir hogsheads
gives it a very Definite Nose. With the bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.
In the United States this wine is marketed as Crow Brand (9 out of 10 people
who drink it for the first time exclaim "VRAAAARRRRRK").
It won a Bronze at the "Kings Cross Homosexuals Convention" of 1973
Warning: Avoid contact with eyes and open cuts.
Keep away from open naked flames -- both old and new.
%
Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
A merry old soul was he.
He called for his pipe,
And he called for his drums,
And he fiddled with his call girls three.
%
Old King Cole
Was a merry old soul,
A merry old soul was he!
He called for his pipe,
And he called for his bowl,
And he fiddled with his call girls three!
%
Old McDonald had a farm,
E-I-E-I-O!
And on this farm he had some chicks,
E-I-E-I-O!
With a chick-chick here,
And a chick-chick there,
Here a chick,
There a chick,
Everywhere a chick-chick,
Old McDonald lost his farm
'Cause he had too many chicks!
%
Old McDonald had a farm,
E-I-E-I-O
And on this farm he had some chicks,
E-I-E-I-O
With a chickie-poo here, and a chickie-poo there,
Here a chick, there a chick, everywhere a whoop-ti-doo,
Old McDonald lost his farm,
'Cause he had too many chicks.
%
Old mercenaries never die. They go to hell and regroup.
%
Old Mother Hubbard lived in a shoe,
She had so many children,
She didn't know what to do.
So she moved to Atlanta.
%
Old Mother Hubbard,
Went to the cubbard,
To get her poor doggie a bone.
But when she stooped over,
Old Rover, he drove her.
You see, he had a bone of his own.
%
Olmstead's Law:
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
%
On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful French girl threw
herself into the sea and drowned despite a young man's attempt to save her.
The man dragged the half-nude body ashore and left it on the sand while he
went to notify the authorities. Upon his return, he was horrified to find
a man making love to the corpse.
"Monsieur, monsieur," he shouted, "that woman is dead,
that woman is dead!"
"Sacre bleu," exclaimed the man, springing up.
"I thought she was an American!"
%
On Brassieres:
Russian: Uplifts the masses.
Salvation Army: Raises the fallen.
American: Makes mountains out of molehills.
%
On one hot dusty day in 1860, a lone Mexican bandit crossed the border into
Texas. After robbing a small bank and shooting up the town, he led the posse
on a merry chase through the desert. On the sixth day of the chase he was
apprehended.
Sheriff-to-interpreter: "Ask him where the money is."
Interpreter-to-bandit: "He wants to know where you hid the money."
Bandit-to-interpreter: "I'll never tell, never!"
Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says he'll never tell, senor."
At this point, the sheriff loses his cool. His town has been shot up, his
bank robbed, he's spent a week in the desert tracking this guy, and now he
says he'll never tell. So he takes his pistol, jams it under the bandits'
chin, and, with the veins standing out on his neck, screams "Tell him to tell
me where the money is, or I'm gonna blow his brains all over the desert!"
Interpreter-to-bandit: "He says if you don't tell him where the
money is right now, he will kill you here."
Bandit-to-interpreter: "Do not kill me, senor, the money is hidden
under the big tree at the pass!"
Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says you ain't got the balls..."
%
Ona day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to
eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She bringa me
only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate. She says you
better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch. I don't even know the lady
and she call me sonna bitch. Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant.
The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna
fock. She tells me everone wanna fock. I tell her "you no understand", I
wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you
sonna bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona
my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go
to the toilet. I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed. He say
you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch. I go to check out and the man
at the desk say "peace to you". I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I
gonna back to Italy.
%
Once a woman has given you her heart you
can never get rid of the rest of her.
-- Vanbrugh
%
Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD. I fought like hell
for them. But another group came along and exposed the word of my group
as shallow and degenerate. They had a better word. So I quit the first
group and lost all the friends I had made and I joined up with this new
group. I fought like hell for them. But another group came around. They
exposed the word of my group as false and materialistic. Their word was
very much better. So I quit the second group and lost all the friends I
had made. And I joined up with this new group. I fought like hell for them.
Till this one guy came along and proved that there wasn't any word at all.
That I should go off as an individual and grow! So I quit the last group
and lost all the friends I had made. And now I sit home alone all day and
all I do is grow. It would be nice to join up with some others who feel
the way I do.
-- J. Feiffer
%
Once upon a girl there was a time...
%
Once upon a time there was a farmer who had borrowed a bull to service his
two cows. He put all three animals on a meadow and sent little Johnny to
observe and report any success. A short time later, little Johnny came
running towards the house shouting: "Daddy, Daddy, the bull just fucked the
white cow!"
The father took little Johnny aside and said: "Look, kid, it's
alright if you use that kind of language around me, but the reverend is
going to be visiting soon. So next time, please use another word; just
say that the bull "surprised" the cow."
Johnny agreed and went back to observe any progress. A little
while later, while the preacher was talking to the farmer, little Johnny
came a-running again, shouting: "Daddy, Daddy!"
The father, trying to avoid embarrassing the preacher, said: "I
know, the bull surprised the brown cow."
Little Johnny replied: "He sure did, he fucked the white one again!"
%
Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a large number of chickens and
made money by selling chickens to a local distributing company. The farmer
wanted to increase his business, and so went to market to buy another rooster.
"This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best. He's virile and energetic
and will take care of all your chickens!" The farmer, delighted at this,
bought the rooster and returned to his farm. He set the rooster loose among
his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work.
It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and
began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm. "If you keep up this
rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!" The rooster,
however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed. The next
morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in
the sky circling over something. He headed out behind the barn, and sure
enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed. The farmer
shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it! I told
you so! I knew you'd screw yourself to death!" The rooster turned his head
toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked. "Shhh!" he said, pointing to
the birds above. "I think they're coming down."
%
Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood. One
fine morning she decided to visit her Grandmother, so she put a freshly baked
cake and a .357 magnum into her basket and set off through the forest. When
she got there, what should she find but a big black wolf in the bed, who
jumped up, grabbed her and snarled, "I'm going to fuck you until the sun goes
down."
So Little Red Riding Hood whipped out the .357 and said, "Oh, no,
you're not! You're going to eat me just like the story says!"
%
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold,
the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this
little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow
began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
There are three morals to this story:
1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
%
Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley. He'd do pushups and
somersaults and limber up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around
on their fat asses not doing a thing. One day, one of them became curious
enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day. Stanley said,
"Look, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right
time comes, I am going to be that one."
A few days later, the all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they
knew that it was getting to be their time to go. They were released abruptly
and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others.
All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with
all his might.
"Go back! Go back!" he screamed. "It's a blow job!"
%
Once upon a time there were three coeds -- a big coed, a medium-sized coed,
and a little, tiny coed. One night they came home from a dance, and the big
coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!"
The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been
sleeping in my bed!"
And the little, tiny coed said, "Well, nighty-night, girls!"
%
Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of the
smaller prime numbers.
2: The Odd Prime --
It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED.
3: The True Prime --
Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true."
31: The Arbitrary Prime --
Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime in
case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 received
the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the next most.
However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none at all.
41: The Female Prime --
The polynomial X**2 - X + 41 is
prime for integer values from 1 to 40.
43: The Male Prime - they form a prime pair.
Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities
are derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd
but true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
%
Once you come out as a Pagan bisexual married leatherdyke,
the rest of life is that much easier.
%
Once you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
%
One by one the vice-presidents of a large corporation were called into the
boss's office. Then the junior executives were individually summoned.
Finally the office boy was brought in.
"I want the truth, Charles," the boss bellowed. "Have you been
playing around with my secretary?"
"N-no, sir," the office boy stammered. "I-I'd never do anything
like that, sir."
"All right, all right," sighed the boss, "then you fire her."
%
One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country. He hopped
into his sportscar, wandered along the highway for a while and then exited
to some very rural dirt roads in the middle of farm country. After awhile,
he came across a farmer who clearly working his fields. The funny thing was,
the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants. The man got out of his car
and approached the farmer.
"Hey, buddy," he asked, "how come you're not wearing any clothes?"
Replied the farmer, "Well, boy, th' other day I was out a-workin'
in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt. Got back to th' house
that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board. This here's
mah wife's idea."
%
One day a little polar bear cub says to his mother, "Mommy, am I really
a polar bear?"
"Why of course you are, honey!" his mother replies. "You live at
the North Pole and you swim under the ice to catch fish. You play on the
ice floes and you romp through the snow and chase seals. Of *course* you're
a polar bear. Why do you ask?"
"Because," says the little cub, "I'm fuckin' freezing!"
%
One day a mouse was driving along the road in his Mercedes when he heard an
anguished roaring noise coming from the side of the road. Stopping the car,
he got out and discovered a lion stuck in a deep ditch and roaring for help.
Reassuring the lion, the mouse tied a rope around the axle of the Mercedes,
threw the other end down to the lion, and pulled the beast out of the ditch.
The lion thanked the mouse profusely and they went their separate ways.
Two months later the lion was out for a stroll in the country when
he heard a panicked squeaking coming from the side of the road. Investigating
the noise, what should he come across but the mouse stuck in the same hole.
"Oh, please help me, Mr. Lion," squeaked the terrified mouse. "I saved you
with my car once, remember?"
"Course I'll help you, little fellow," roared the lion. "I'll just
lower my dick down to you, you hold on to it, and we'll have you out of there
in a jiffy." Sure enough, a few minutes later the mouse was high and dry on
the roadside, trying to convey his eternal gratitude to the lion.
"Don't give it another thought," said the lion kindly. "It just goes
to show that if you've got a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes."
%
One day Adam, while wandering around the Garden of Eden, noticed that all
the animals seemed to come in pairs, male and female. He also noted that
they seemed to enjoy being together a lot. So, he went to his special
place an reported to God what he'd noticed.
God, understanding his need, said, "Adam, the time has come for me
to provide you with a mate. Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I
will create your mate."
So Adam wandered off, found a nice patch of soft grass and fell
asleep. Some time later he awoke, possibly due to a bit of pain in his
ribs, possibly because of the gorgeous woman leaning over him. Remembering
the animals he'd seen having such fun, he immediately reached for her.
Pretty soon Adam's back at his special place.
"God?"
"Yes, Adam, what now?"
"God, what's a headache?"
%
One day Father O'Malley was walking through the park when he came upon an
enchanting scene. A beautiful little girl with long blond hair, deep blue
eyes, and a dainty white dress was reading under a tree with her adorable
little dog.
What a lovely picture, thought the Father to himself. Walking over,
he asked, "Child, what is your name?"
"Blossom," she replied.
"What a fitting name," exclaimed Father O'Malley. "And how did your
parents come to choose such a pretty name?"
"Well, one day when I was still in my mommy's tummy she was lying
under this very tree when a blossom fell and landed on her stomach. She
thought it was a message from God and decided that I would be a girl and my
name would be Blossom," explained the little girl sweetly.
How charming, thought the priest. He started to say good-bye and
walk away, then turned back. "And the name of your little dog?" he
inquired.
"Porky," was the child's reply.
Again he asked her how the unusual name had been chosen.
"Because he likes to fuck pigs."
%
"One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most
gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her... I said 'Hi,' and she
said 'Hi,' and then I said 'Nice day, isn't it,' and she said 'Yeah, I
guess'... I said 'What do you mean "you guess"?'... she said 'I saw my
analyst today and he says I have a problem.'... so I asked 'What's the
problem?'... she replied 'I can't tell you, I don't even know you.'...
I said 'Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect
stranger on a bus.' So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac
and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Diane.' I said,
'Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein.'"
-- Stephen Wright
%
One day, in a bar, a young man walks in with a little dwarf about one foot
tall on his shoulder and orders a beer. The bartender serves the man a beer;
to his astonishment, the little guy walks down the man's arm, takes a swallow
of the brew and spits it in his face. After a few minutes the customer
orders another beer and the exact same thing happens. Well, by this time,
the bartender is getting pretty upset; he figures that the man should take
care of the dwarf. So he asks the guy, "Why are you letting that guy drink
all your beer and spit it in my face?"
"Well, sir, when I was on a contract in Saudi Arabia I met this genie
and he granted me three wishes. I asked for a million dollars, the most
beautiful woman in the world, and a twelve-inch prick.
%
One day on a busy street corner a huge, burly looking man walked up to a police
officer and asks, "Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee-thid, and
thacramento ith?"
The police officer didn't reply at all, but just looked away.
The large man then asked again, but still no reply. After a few more
attempts which the police officer studiously ignored, the frustrated man
walked away. An onlooking pedestrian then walked up to the officer and asked,
"Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty-third and Sacramento was?" The police officer replied,
"Thure, thure, and dit the thit ticked out of me!"
%
One fall day, two men were out in the woods hunting. Feeling a sudden need
to relieve himself, George went over to a nearby clump of bushes, unzipped
his fly, and started in when a poisonous snake lunged out of the bushes and
bit him on his penis. Hearing George's howl of pain and fright, his friend
Fred came running up and told him to lie still while he used the radio to
call a doctor.
"There's only one way to save your friend's life," said the doctor
gravely. "If you cut a shallow 'X' over the bite and then suck as much of
the poison out as you can, he'll probably be okay, but otherwise there's not
much hope."
Hearing Fred's footsteps, George rose weakly up on one elbow and
cried out, "Fred, what'd he say? What did the doctor say?"
"George, old friend," said Fred sadly, "he said you're gonna die."
%
One hundred and one uses for canned peaches.
One hundred and two if you plan to eat them.
%
One man's nightmare is another man's wet dream.
%
One morning after an evening of particularly heavy drinking, a man awoke
and upon rolling over in bed saw one of the ugliest women he had ever
seen. As he was about to get out of bed, he looked on the floor and saw
another woman even less appealing than the first. Seeing his look of
wide-eyed amazement, the woman on the floor snapped, "Don't look at me
like that, I was only the bridesmaid."
%
One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity
to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka.
"The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing,
put on one of the ties his mother had brought him, and hurried back. "Look,
Mama! Isn't it gorgeous?"
"Mama asked, 'What's the matter? You don't like the other one?'"
-- Leo Rosten, "Hooray For Yiddish"
%
One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives
accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable
testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to
all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they
enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking,
"What trip?"
%
One of the first things schoolchildren in Texas learn is how to
compose a simple declarative sentence without the word "shit" in it.
%
One of the most expensive things in life
is a girl who is free for the evening.
%
One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God create
goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "somebody has to buy retail."
-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in.
He was good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the
following Sunday.
"9:30 okay?"
"Fine," George said, "but I may be a few minutes late."
The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that, he played
left-handed and beat them. They agreed to meet the following Sunday morning.
George was eager to come, but again, mentioned that he might be a few minutes
late. The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he
played right-handed and beat them again.
"You on for next Sunday, George?" one of the foursome asked.
"Sure," George replied, "but I might be a few..."
Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute... You always say you might
be late, but you're always right on time, and you always win, left-handed
*or* right-handed."
"Well," George replied, rather sheepishly, "that's true, but see, I'm
superstitious. If my wife is sleeping on her right, when I wake up, I play
right handed. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left handed."
"What if she's lying on her back?"
George said, "That's when I'm late."
%
One should be cherry of virgins.
%
One, two, three, four
What are we fighting for?
Don't ask me I don't give a damn.
Next stop is Vietnam.
Five, six, seven, eight
Open up the pearly gates.
Ain't no time to wonder why
Whoopie! We're all going to die.
-- Country Joe and the Fish
%
One who does not know a burro from a burrow does not know
his ass from a hole in the ground!
%
Ooooooh, nooooooo, not tonite!!
%
Ooops. Gotta run. My dog wants sex. Later.
%
Operators mount anything!
%
Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one,
but nobody wants to look at the other guy's.
-- Hal Hickman
%
OPTIMIST:
A man who makes a motel reservation before a blind date.
%
ORAL CONTRACEPTIVE:
The word "No".
%
oral sex, n:
The taste of things to come.
%
O'Riordan's Theorem:
Brains x Beauty = Constant.
Purmal's Corollary:
As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
availability goes to zero.
%
Other people don't give you orgasms; you have them, and they help you
cash them in.
%
Ouch mosquito, silent by night,
Why pierce my skin, so white?
You grow plump, as a leech.
Stop! I beseech (in vein).
I have no choice.
Why waste my voice,
When only a slap will do?
Ouch, I am bitten!
What ho, you are smitten!
Yo mosquito, fuck you.
-- Mitchell Peck, "Ouch, Mosquito"
%
Our readers ask, "Why don't more WASPs go to orgies?" Well, it's really
quite simple. They don't want to have to write all those thank-you notes.
%
Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the
maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out
in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty
good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know
for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging
over from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been on the team for
three seasons now, but the males still don't trust her. They know, deep in
their souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
an infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without
ever considering whether there were men on base.
-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
%
Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum
possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in case
of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty good
baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know for
sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging over
from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been on the team for three
seasons now, but the males still don't trust her. They know, deep in their
souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without
ever considering whether there were men on base.
-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
%
Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum
possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in
case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a
pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no
way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male
comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been
on the team for three seasons now, but the males still don't trust
her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had to choose between
catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she probably would
elect to save the infant's life, without ever considering whether there
were men on base.
-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
%
Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
In all of the directions it can whiz;
As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
-- Monty Python, "The Meaning of Life"
%
Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,
"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and load your camels,
and I will lead you to the promised land."
Not too long ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on
your asses, light a Camel, this is the promised land."
Now Nixon is stealing your shovels, kicking your asses, raising
the price of Camels, and mortgaging the promised land.
%
Painters do it with even strokes.
%
Pardon me, sir, but you've obviously
mistaken me for someone who gives a shit.
%
Passion is that funny feeling that drives a man to
bite a woman's neck because she has beautiful legs.
%
Paying alimony is like pumping gas into another man's car.
%
Pee-wee Recommends:
When Pee-wee Herman was arrested that evening in Sarasota, Florida,
the bill at the XXX South Trail Cinema featured:
+ Nurse Nancy, starring Sandra Scream
+ Turn Up the Heat, starring Savannah
+ Tiger Shark, starring Raven
%
penis envy, n:
The desire to be pink and wrinkled and about four inches long.
%
People humiliating a salami!
%
People who live in glass houses should ball in the basement.
%
People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it.
-- Peter Sellers
%
Perhaps at fourteen every boy should be in love with some ideal woman to put
on a pedestal and worship. As he grows up, of course, he will put her on
a pedestal the better to view her legs.
-- Barry Norman, in "The Listener"
%
Perplexed, a shy virgin named Plummer
Asked, "what's there to do in the summer?"
She declined and declined
Till approached from behind...
When her summer turned out quite a bummer!
%
Persistence, like perspiration, is 99 percent of the fine art of love.
%
philadelphia flying fuck, n:
Okay, see, he hangs from a chin-up bar with his feet on the arms
of the rocking chair. She crouches in the rocking chair pleasuring
him orally.
[Note: Personally, we've never tried this. If you have, or if
you do, please inform us of the results at Fortune, Box 1597,
Rockville IL. Thank you. Ed.]
%
Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.
-- Karl Marx
%
Physicists do it with charm.
%
Picking up a man in a bar is like a snowstorm, you never know when
he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long'll he'll stay.
%
pile driver, n:
Local drink; two parts vodka, one part prune juice.
%
Planned Parenthood:
The emission Control Center.
%
Playing poker with busty Ms. Ware,
He announced as he folded with flair,
"I had four of a kind,
But those aces combined,
Don't stack up, I'm afraid, with your pair."
%
PLUNDERER'S THEME
(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
%
pocket pool, n:
Well, for guys, it's two-ball in the side pocket.
For women, it's playing the slots.
%
polish fly, n:
You put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling.
%
Politicians do it to everyone.
%
Pompoir: The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all.
'She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with
a finger, opening and shutting at her pleasure, and finally acting as the
hand of the Gopala-girl who milks the cow. This can be learned only by long
practice, and especially by throwing the will into the part affected, even
as men endeavor to sharpen their hearing... Her husband will then value her
above all other women, nor would he exchange her for the most beautiful
queen in the Three Worlds... Among some races the constrictor vaginae muscles
are abnormally developed. In Abyssinia for instance, a woman can so exert
them as to cause pain to a man, and when sitting on his thighs, she can
induce orgasm without moving any other part of her person. Such an artist
is called by the Arabs Kabbazah, literally, a holder, and it's not surprising
that slave dealers pay large sums for her' Thus Richard Burton. It has
nothing to do with 'race' but a lot to do with practice. See exercises.
-- The Joy of Sex
%
Posterity will ne'er survey
A nobler grave than this;
Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
Stop, traveler, and piss.
-- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
%
Postulate #1: Nothing is better than sex.
Postulate #2: Masturbation is better than nothing.
Conclusion: Masturbation is better than sex.
%
Pouring out his troubles to his best friend over a couple of triple martinis,
Brad had to confess that things weren't going too well at home. "My wife and
I just don't hit it off at night," he was saying to Bart. "I hate to admit
it, but I'm afraid I just don't know how to make her happy."
"Hell, boy," said Bart, "there's really nothing to it. Let me
give you some advice. At bedtime, switch on a new Sinatra platter, turn
all the lights low and spray some perfume around the room. Next, tell
your wife to get into her sheerest nightie; then make sure you raise the
bottom window."
"Then what do I do?" asked Brad.
"Just whistle."
"Whistle?"
"That's right. I'll be waiting outside the window. When I hear
you whistle, I'll come right up and finish the job."
%
Pregnancy -- the worst sexually transmitted disease of them all.
%
Pregnancy begins with a single sell.
%
premature ejaculation, n:
A spoilspurt.
%
premature ejaculator, n:
Troubled shooter.
%
Premenstrual Syndrome:
Just before their periods women behave the way men do all the time.
%
Prince Absalom lay with his sister
And bundled and nibbled and kissed her,
But the kid was so tight,
And it was deep night --
Though he shot at the target, he missed her.
%
Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.
%
Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame ceremony, [Cash] went to
the bathroom. "I was standing at the urinal, and Keith Richards walked
in... He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a
picture of this.' I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'"
-- Rolling Stone interview with Johnny Cash.
%
Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
%
Programmers do it bit by bit.
%
Programmers do it until it goes down.
%
Programmers get overlaid.
%
PROMOTION:
New title, new salary, new office, same old crap.
%
Prope mare erat tubulator
Qui virginem ingrediebatur.
Dessine ingressus
Audivi progressus:
Est mihi inquit tubulator.
%
Prostitution is the only business where you
can go into the hole and still come out ahead.
%
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.
Check three friends. If they're okay, you're it.
%
Psychiatry is quite similar to prostitution, only less honest. They
both promise to make people feel better, but the prostitute doesn't
make pretensions that the feelings will last once the client walks
out the door.
%
pubic hair, n:
Organic dental floss.
%
Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine,
And frollicked in the Autumn mist,
And drank Manishiewitz wine.
Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff,
And brought him soup and Matzah balls,
And other kosher stuff.
Then one day it happened, Puff was eating pork.
Little Rabbi Jacob took that dragon for a walk.
Gently he explained that dragons don't eat meat,
That come from little piggies who have dirty filthy feet.
%
Q: Do you know how to tell a Polack at a cockfight?
A: He's the only one with a duck.
Q: Do you know how to tell an Aggie at a cockfight?
A: He's the only one who bets on the duck.
Q: And do you know how to tell the Mafia is at the cockfight?
A: The duck wins!
%
Q: Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?
A: No, but I bet it hurts like hell.
%
Q: Heard about the <ethnic> who couldn't spell?
A: He spent the night in a warehouse.
%
Q: How can a real man tell when his girl friend's having an orgasm.
A: Real men don't care.
%
Q: How can you tell if a woman is ticklish?
A: Give her a couple of test tickles.
%
Q: How can you tell the bride at a WASP wedding?
A: She's the one kissing the golden retriever.
%
Q: How can you tell when a Polish girl's been sucking cock?
A: She has a mouthful of feathers.
%
Q: How can you tell when a WASP is sexually aroused?
A: By the stiff upper lip.
%
Q: How can you tell when your girlfriend has had an orgasm?
A: Who cares?
%
Q: How did Hellen Keller burn the side of her face?
A: She answered the iron.
Q: How did she burn the other side of her face?
A: They called back.
%
Q: How do you fit 1000 dead babies into a phone booth?
A: Cusinart.
Q: How do you get them back out?
A: Doritos.
%
Q: How do you get a woman to stop having sex with you?
A: Propose.
%
Q: How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: Paint his balls red and his toenails green.
Q: Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: No -- so it must work pretty well!
Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries!!!
%
Q: How do you know when it's time to wash the dishes?
A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
%
Q: How do you know your elephant had her period?
A: There's a nickel on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
%
Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: With 2 scoops of dead baby and some rootbeer.
%
Q: How do you pick up a quarter off of Polk Street?
A: Kick it over to Van Ness.
%
Q: How do you play Religious Roulette?
A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck
by lightning first.
%
Q: How do you tell if two elephants have been making love in
your backyard?
A: Your Hefty trashcan liners are missing.
%
Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
or an airline stewardess?
A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."
A schoolteacher says: "We're just going to have to do this over
and over again until we get it right."
An airline stewardess says: "Just place this over your mouth and
nose and breathe normally."
... and bank tellers say "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."
... and saleswomen say "Thank you, come again soon!"
... and WASP's say "Do you have that in a bigger size?"
... and piano teachers say "Keep those fingers arched! TEMPO! TEMPO!"
%
Q: How do you tell that your roommate's gay?
A: When his cock tastes like shit.
%
Q: How does a girl know she's sleeping with a Computer Scientist?
A: It isn't hard.
%
Q: How does a mink get babies?
A: The same way babies get minks.
%
Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American?
A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of
speech, but under the United States constitution they are
guaranteed freedom after speech.
-- being told in Poland, 1987
%
Q: How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
A: Three, one to eat it, and two to watch for traffic.
%
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.
%
Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: NONE! AND THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!
Q: How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's "Women"... AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!!
%
Q: How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students
does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my
advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he
can tell me how to do the shit work for him so he can take the
credit for answering this incredibly vital question."
%
Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light
bulb, in San Francisco?
A: Both of them.
%
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Ten. One to do it, and nine to talk about how gratifying it was
without a man.
%
Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess,
what would Cheetah have been?
A: A fur coat.
%
Q: What can you use used tampons for?
A: Tea bags for vampires.
%
Q: What did Jesus tell the Aggies?
A: Play dumb until the second coming.
%
Q: What did the little ghetto-dweller get for Christmas?
A: Your bicycle.
%
Q: What do a walrus and a tupperware container have in common?
A: They both like a tight seal.
%
Q: What do elephants use instead of tampons?
A: Sheep. Well, they used to, anyway. There have been so many cases
of Toxic Flock Syndrome recently that their ewes has been discouraged.
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Sheep don't have strings.
%
Q: What do two WASPs say after making love?
A: Thank you very much. It'll never happen again.
%
Q: What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadriplegic Virginian?
A: Trustworthy.
%
Q: What do you call a nun who has had a sex change operation?
A: A transistor.
%
Q: What do you call a truck load of vibrators?
A: Toys for twats.
%
Q: What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 50 feet
of garden hose?
A: Darling.
[Often? Ed.]
%
Q: What do you call couples that use that rhythm method?
A: Parents.
%
Q: What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!!
%
Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
%
Q: What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
A: A woman that, when she goes down on you, gets blood.
%
Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a JAP?
A: A computer that won't go down.
%
Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a prostitute?
A: Your last blowjob.
%
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
A: A thirty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone!
%
Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
A: Well, most of the time you get an onion with big ears, but every
once in a while you get a piece of ass that will bring tears to
your eyes...
%
Q: What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a
moth ball in the other hand?
A: One hell of a big moth!
%
Q: What do you say to a New Yorker with a job?
A: Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please!
%
Q: What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise?
%
Q: What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean?
A: It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the
Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukrainians take
the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews.
%
Q: What goes
Click. "Did I get it?"
Click. "Did I get it?"
Click. "Did I get it?"
Click. "Did I get it?"
A: Stevie Wonder doing the Rubik's Cube.
%
Q: What goes green, red, green, red, pink, pink, pink?
A: A frog in a blender.
Q: What do you get if you add 2 eggs to it??
A: Frognogg. If you drink it, you croak.
%
Q: What goes red, white, red, white, pink, pink, pink?
A: Baby in a blender.
Q: Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
A: So you can watch the expression on its little face.
%
Q: What is green and comes in Brownies?
A: Boy Scouts.
%
Q: What is Smoorplay?
A: What Smurfs do before they smuck!
%
Q: What is the difference between snow-men and snow-women?
A: Snowballs!
%
Q: What's a JAP's (Jewish American Princess) dream house?
A: Fourteen rooms in Scarsdale, no kitchen, no bedroom.
%
Q: What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness?
A: Dating a Canadian.
%
Q: What's black and white and red all over and can't go through
revolving doors?
A: A nun with a javelin through her head.
%
Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: Half a nun.
%
Q: What's buried in Grant's tomb?
A: A corpse.
%
Q: What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out?
A: Chewing gum.
%
Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots?
A: Bunny farts.
%
Q: What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS?
A: The guy that gave it to him.
%
Q: What's more fearsome than a grizzly bear with AIDS?
A: The guy he got it from.
%
Q: What's red and covered with little dents?
A: Snow White's cherry.
%
Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
are removable!
Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
A: Yes, up to isomorphism!
Q: What is a compact city?
A: It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
policemen!
-- Peter Lax
%
Q: What's the difference between a cocker spaniel and a doberman
pinscher humping your leg?
A: You let the doberman finish.
%
Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About four drinks.
%
Q: What's the difference between a Fairy Tale, and a War Story?
A: Nothing, except Fairy Tales start off with "Once upon a time".
War Stories start off with "No shit, this really happened".
[I thought Fairy Tales started off, "Honey, I'm gonna be at the
office a little late, tonight... Ed.]
%
Q: What's the difference between a JAP and a baby elephant?
A: About 10 pounds.
Q: How do you make them the same?
A: Force feed the elephant.
%
Q: What's the difference between a man and a toilet?
A: A toilet doesn't follow you around for a week after you flush it.
%
Q: What's the difference between a man and the weekend?
A: The weekend never comes too soon.
%
Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a fast car?
A: Not everyone's been in a fast car.
%
Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use
the whole bird...
%
Q: What's the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon
and Ronald Reagan?
A: One always told the truth, one always lied, and one can't tell the
difference.
%
Q: What's the difference between hard and dark?
A: It stays dark all night.
%
Q: What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?
A: In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd
like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers,
"and some cigarettes."
%
Q: What's the last thing that goes through a grasshopper's mind when
he hits your windshield?
A: His ass.
Q. What's the second-to-last thing to go through a grasshopper's
mind when he hits your windshield?
A. Oh, SHIT!!
%
Q: What's white and crawls up your leg?
A: Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice.
%
Q: What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook!
%
Q: Where does Catwoman go for a good time?
A: To the batpoles, Robin!
%
Q: Where does virgin wool come from?
A: Ugly sheep.
%
Q: Why are babies born with soft spots on their heads?
A: So you can pick 'em up five at a time.
%
Q: Why are Unix emulators like your right hand?
A: They're just pussy substitutes!
%
Q: Why can't Hellen Keller have children?
A: Because she's dead.
%
Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss on the bridge?
A: He wanted to boldly go where no man had gone before!
%
Q: Why did God invent booze?
A: So ugly men could get laid too.
%
Q: Why did Hellen Keller go all the way on her first date?
A: She'd never been taught to say no.
%
Q: Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?
A: To impress Jodie Foster.
%
Q: Why did Ted Kennedy report the accident 8 hours after Mary
Jo Kopechne drowned?
A: Do you have any idea how hard it is to dress a woman underwater?
%
Q: Why do dogs lick their private parts?
A: Because they can.
%
Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
%
Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.
%
Q: Why do men marry women?
A: You can't teach sheep to do housework.
%
Q: Why do mice have such small balls?
A: Very few of them know how to dance!
%
Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
A: Because a sheep can hear the sound of a zipper from fifty feet away.
-- Iain MacKintosh, Glasgow folksinger
%
Q: Why do WASP's play golf ?
A: So they can dress like pimps.
%
Q: Why do women have vaginas?
A: So when they're drunk, you can carry them like a six-pack.
%
Q: Why do women love Pacman?
A: Only place you can get eaten three times for a quarter.
%
Q: Why does an elephant have 4 feet?
A: Because 8 inches isn't enough.
%
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the dogs!
Q: How can a blind skydiver tell when he is near the ground?
A: The leash goes slack.
%
Q: Why is it that Mexico isn't sending anyone to the '84 summer games?
A: Anyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA.
%
Q: Why is Poland just like the United States?
A: In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever
you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
-- being told in Poland, 1987
%
Q: Why is Sister Pat the way she is?
A: Because when she was 16, a group of boys tied her up and
gang-rejected her.
%
Q: Why was Cinderella banished from the Magic Kingdom?
A: For sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming, "Tell the truth!
Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!"
%
Q: What's the difference between VMS and PMS?
A1: PMS is only a problem for some people.
A2: PMS is only a problem for part of the month.
A3: The drugstore has remedies for PMS.
A4: People with PMS get sympathy.
A5: People with PMS don't wish they were UNIX.
%
Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.
%
Q: What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up?
A: Age.
%
Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
%
Q: What's the difference between "Oooh" and "Aaah"?
A: About three inches.
%
Q: Why did the epileptic cross the road?
A: He couldn't help it.
Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
A: Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent.
%
Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?
A: 'Cause they can!
(Real answer: 'Cause they can't curl their little paws into fists...)
%
Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
A: So they can jump into trees and rape mice.
Q: What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse?
A: BOING!! BOING!! BOING!!
%
QOTD:
"... was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort-of
Sun-God robes, on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming
and throwing little pickles at you? ... Why am I the only one
who has that dream?"
%
QOTD:
"Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?"
%
QOTD:
"Do you smell something burning or is it me?"
-- Joan of Arc
%
QOTD:
"Even the Statue of Liberty shaves her pits."
%
QOTD:
"He's on the same bus, but he's sure as hell got a different
ticket."
%
QOTD:
"He's so egotistical he yells his own name when he comes."
%
QOTD:
"I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut."
%
QOTD:
I get girls because of who I am... a rapist.
%
QOTD:
I met her [his fiancee] over lunch on Thursday. She had a firm
grip. He's a lucky man.
%
QOTD:
"I never met a man I couldn't drink handsome."
%
QOTD:
I own my own body, but I share.
%
QOTD:
"I say, and without apology, hang the bitch."
%
QOTD:
"I used to beat off so much in the shower, I'd get a hard on every
time it rained."
%
QOTD:
"I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm all right now."
%
QOTD:
I won't say he's unsavory, but for his birthday he bought himself
a pair of velcro gloves.
%
QOTD:
"I'd crawl a mile over burning desert sand just to kiss the dick of
the guy who screwed her last."
%
QOTD:
"I'd drag my dick a mile over broken glass just to masturbate in
her shadow!"
%
QOTD:
"I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza... I might play
golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her!"
%
QOTD:
It *was* wonderfully polite of me. Usually I call the kind of
cretinous dipshit that pisses me off a ``fucking asshole.''
-- Richard Sexton
%
QOTD:
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten
who gets tied up."
%
QOTD:
"Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!"
%
QOTD:
Men come in four sizes -- small, medium, large, and "You're
going to put that thing *where*?"
%
QOTD:
My penis is better than corn, because corn doesn't squeal when
you stick those little prongs into it.
-- Mark-Jason Dominus
%
QOTD:
No, honey, I've never been circumcised; it's simply wear and tear.
%
QOTD:
"One day, I'd like to wake up in the morning to find that every gay
and lesbian has lavender skin. On that morning, I will be -- mauve."
%
QOTD:
Sex is like everything else. To get it done right, do it yourself.
%
QOTD:
She began coming, making noises like a small animal in pain.
Ouch! Ow! My paw! Ouch!!
%
QOTD:
"She was so tough she rolled her own tampons."
%
QOTD:
Talk about willing people... over half of them are willing to work
and the others are more than willing to watch them.
%
QOTD:
"The difference between dark and hard is... it stays dark
all night."
%
QOTD:
"The marines and I have something in common; we're both looking for
a few good men!"
%
QOTD:
"The only real difference between men and women is that men are
crabby all month long."
%
QOTD:
"Well, let's say she's friendly. Last year she was the Herpes
Poster Girl."
%
QOTD:
"What would the world be like without men? A lot of fat,
happy women."
%
QOTD:
"When she hauled ass, it took three trips."
%
QOTD:
"Whhoooooooeeeeeeeeeee, Elmer! Take a look at that purty young lady
over thar! Why, I'd walk a mile barefoot over barbed wire and broken
glass just to drive the truck that takes her panties to the cleaners!"
%
QOTD:
"Whip me, beat me, come all over me, tell me you love me.
Then get the fuck out."
%
QOTD:
"You might as well say "yes", the sheets are messy already."
%
quickie, n:
A moment's piece.
%
quickie, n:
No sooner spread than done.
%
QWERT (kwirt) n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth] 1. a unit of weight
equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in
structural engineering 2. [Colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully
grown sligo can carry. 3. [Anat.] a painful irritation of the dermis
in the region of the anus 4. [Slang] person who excites in others the
symptoms of a qwert.
-- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
%
Ralph: Lisa, you have no tits and a awful tight pussy.
Lisa: Ralph... get off my back!!
%
randel, n:
A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an
apology for farting at a friend.
-- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
Preposterous Words
%
Raquel Welch: 36-24-36
Bo Derek: 35-24-36
Ann-Margaret: 37-25-36
Bette Middler: 37-25-36
Marilyn Monroe: 37-24-37
Jane Russell: 39-27-38
Jayne Mansfield: 40-23-37
Sophia Loren: 37-25-36
%
Rating women on the Budweiser scale; the number
of Clydesdales it would take to pull you off her.
%
Reach out and fuck someone.
%
Readers Ask:
Is it possible to kill a vampire with a gun?
Vampires are a source of great irritation to the average homeowner and it is
usually to one's advantage to remove these pests as rapidly as possible. If
a professional exterminator specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is
possible to handle the situation with common household items. However, much
of the common folklore of vanquishing the undead needs clarifying. First,
driving a sharpened Louisville Slugger through a vampire's heart will NOT kill
it. Since it's not quite alive, why would the heart be any different than
puncturing it in the, for example, left buttock? Stake driving should be
avoided at any cost since its effect will be to terribly annoy the vampire,
and the last thing you want on your hands is an irate Lord of Darkness.
Handguns are also a definite no-no. Common sense indicates that it requires
more to defeat an incarnation of evil than hurling lumps of lead or silver
through its body. One time-honored method is to expose the vampire to the
sun, sever its head (any power saw should be sufficient), fill its mouth with
holy wafers (vanilla wafers over which the Lord's prayer has been read will
do in a pinch), immerse the head in an urn filled with holy water, place the
urn in consecrated lands and bury the rest of the body underneath a crossroad
(i.e. the intersection of Broad & Chestnut). Sure, it's a lot of work. But
you'll never have to worry about those damn bats pestering the neighbors again.
%
real buddy, n:
Someone who'll go downtown and get two blowjobs, and come back
and give you one.
%
real class, adj:
When you're by yourself, fart, and say "Excuse me."
%
Real fur: the ultimate sadist symbol.
%
Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
These are a few of my favorite drugs.
Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
These are a few of my favorite drugs.
Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
Users of heroin, often called junkies
Methadone helps them to stop being thugs
Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
On a bad trip
When the cops come
When I lose my head
I simply take more of my favorite drugs
And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
-- My Favorite Drugs, sung to "My Favorite Things"
%
Reformed, n:
A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays.
%
rejection, n:
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
%
Religion is fine, Churchianity sucks.
%
Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.
-- Frank Zappa
%
Remember, when preparing a dish for bedtime,
champagne is the best tenderizer.
%
Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only
sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't grow
out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up liking
pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to do with
the other.
-- Jules Feiffer
%
Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was sadly, shaking his head.
"What's the matter, buddy?", inquired the bartender.
"Well," replied the customer, "while I was in the men's room, I saw
someone had scribbled `Wendy gives really fabulous head; absolutely the best
blow job in the world!' on the wall."
"Ahh, hell," said the bartender. "Don't give it a second thought,
we get jerks in here like anywhere else."
"I know," snarled the headshaker. "One of them scratched out the
phone number!"
%
Revenge is sleeping with your enemy's wife.
Sweet revenge is the realization that she's a lousy lay.
%
rodeo fuck, n:
When you lean down and whisper in your lover's ear, "Honey, you're
the worst piece of ass I've ever had!". And then try to stay on
for seven seconds...
%
Rogue players do it with all sorts of different animals.
%
Roland was a warrior, from the land of the midnight sun,
With a Thompson gun for hire, fighting to be done.
The deal was made in Denmark, on a dark and stormy day,
So he set out for Biafra, to join the bloody fray.
Through sixty-six and seven, they fought the Congo war,
With their fingers on their triggers, knee deep in gore.
Days and nights they battled, the Bantu to their knees,
They killed to earn their living, and to help out the Congolese.
Roland the Thompson gunner...
His comrades fought beside him, Van Owen and the rest,
But of all the Thompson gunners, Roland was the best.
So the C.I.A decided, they wanted Roland dead,
That son-of-a-bitch Van Owen, blew off Roland's head.
Roland the headless Thompson gunner...
Roland searched the continent, for the man who'd done him in.
He found him in Mombasa, in a bar room drinking gin,
Roland aimed his Thompson gun, he didn't say a word,
But he blew Van Owen's body from there to Johannesburg.
The eternal Thompson gunner, still wandering through the night,
Now it's ten years later, but he stills keeps up the fight.
In Ireland, in Lebanon, in Palestine, in Berkeley,
Patty Hearst... heard the burst... of Roland's Thompson gun, and bought it.
-- Warren Zevon, "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner"
%
ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide
as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
%
Rosenberg wanted to leave the country.
"And what is *your* reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office.
"I am told a pogrom is being prepared. Against the Jews and the barbers,"
replies Rosenberg.
"Why the barbers?"
"Everybody asks that question. That's why I want to leave."
%
Roses on your piano isn't nearly as good as tulips on your organ.
%
Rugby is a game played by men with peculiarly shaped balls.
%
rugby, n:
A sport requiring leather balls.
%
Rumour has it that the intrepid New Zealanders have finally discovered
two new uses for sheep. Meat and wool.
%
Runners do it alone.
%
Sam Lefkovitz is having an intimate party to celebrate his thirty
immensely profitable years in the construction business.
"You know," he laments to his friends, "over the years I have
constructed dozens of enormous projects in and around this city, but
am I known as Sam the Builder? No.
And over the years I have contributed literally millions of
dollars to charitable causes of one sort or another, but am I called
Sam the Philanthropist? No sir!
But suck one little cock..."
%
San Francisco:
A nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to tie my shoelaces
there.
%
San Francisco is my kind of city,
Where the women are strong and the men are pretty.
%
Save a forest - eat a beaver!
%
Save a mouse, eat a pussy!
%
Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
%
Save the whales. Club a seal instead.
%
schnuffel, n.:
A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in mixed
company.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
"Scott, baby," the sexually aggressive girl murmured as she guided
her date's finger to her clitoris, "This bud's for you."
%
Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the
ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets.
-- Edgar Berman
%
SDW/M, 35, offers French lessons for ladies.
If you desire fluency in the French tongue,
this cunning linguist can lick your problem.
Fortune -- P.O. Box 478
%
Seems like there were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing
the other suspiciously. One of them turns to the other.
"What are you here for?" he asks.
"Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day,
and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore it,
but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand."
"Yeah, I now what you mean. So, what are you here for?"
"Erm ... well ... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going
to be ... you know ... I'm going to have the *operation*."
"Oh. Well, I'm sorry," sympathised the first dog.
Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely.
"So," he asked, "What are you in here for?"
"Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed.
"Go on, I told you, it *can't* be as bad!"
"OK. Well, it's like this. The bitch next door was in heat, and so
I was feeling, you know, a bit randy. Then Mistress came into the kitchen
wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over. I just couldn't
resist it!" admitted the dog.
"Oh! So you're here for the operation too!"
"No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!"
%
Seems like these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three
were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, with
the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost
again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, God!" he cried. "I
know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please show me a sign,
so they too will know that I understand Your laws."
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his
plaint, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once
and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other
three disagreed, pointing out that stormclouds form on hot days.
So he asked again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am
right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign."
This time four stormclouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form
one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning knocked down a tree ten feet away from
the rabbis. The cloud dispersed at once. "I told you I was right!" insisted
the loner, but the others insisted that nothing had happened that could not
be explained by natural causes.
The insisting rabbi is all ready to ask for a *very big* sign when
just as he says "Oh God..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and
a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The sky returns to normal. The one rabbi puts his hands on his hips
and snarls, "Well?" "Okay, okayyyy," replied another, "so now it's 3 to 2!"
%
Seems like this guy is hitting up on a woman in a bar. After assiduously
pursuing her for several minutes, she leans forward and tells him that he's
a nice guy and all that, but, well, that she's a lesbian. Confused, he asks
her what that means.
"Well," she replies, "you see that woman at the corner table?"
"Yeah..."
"I'd like to walk over to her, and unbuttom her blouse."
"Yeah..."
"And then I'd like to kiss her and suck on her nipples... and
then I'd like to take off her skirt... and run my hand over her thighs..."
"Right! Right!" interrupts the guy. "I think I'm a lesbian too!"
%
Seems there was this traveling salesman who wandered into a brothel and
asked the madam for a woman who would give him the absolutely worst blow-job
imaginable. Not horny, just homesick.
%
Seems this guy notices a young nun sitting on the bus; through her heavy veil
he just spots a glimmer of her face. Gorgeous! She moves, and her vestments
cannot hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body. The guy gets more and
more excited until he finally approaches the nun and tells "Sister, please
believe me, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I think I love you.
Could we maybe talk?"
The nun almost runs off the bus. As the young man's stop comes up,
the bus driver asks the guy if he was the person bothering the nun. The man
starts apologizing, but the bus driver interrupts him. "No, don't apologize,
I was checking her out myself. Listen, you see where she got on? She goes
there every day, to a little park. Why don't you meet here there?"
Sure enough, the man goes to the park the next day and there's the nun
in a secluded grove of trees. He approaches her, and she seems, although shy,
much more willing to talk. After an hour of cautious talk, he asks her if
she'd be willing to make love with him. She blushes, smiles, blushes again
and says "yes". But that she doesn't dare risk getting pregnant, so it would
have to be the "back door".
As they start to make love, the young man is overcome with guilt;
panting, he says, "Sister, I have to tell you, I'm the guy who was annoying
you on the bus yesterday.
Replies the nun, "Well, that's okay. I'm not really a nun. I'm
actually the bus driver."
%
Seems to me that both the Democrats and the Republicans should change their
symbols to a contraceptive device; it stands for inflation, inhibits
production, protects a bunch of pricks and gives everyone a false sense of
security while they're being screwed.
%
Self-abuse is the most certain road to the grave.
-- Dr. George M. Calhoun, 1855
%
SEMINARS:
From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
%
Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
notify you if the record has pornographics material or
material glorifying violence?"
Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on
the album cover is good indication that it's not for little
Johnny."
-- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
%
Send lawyers, guns, and money,
The shit has hit the fan.
-- Warren Zevon
%
Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.
-- Grover Cleveland, 1905
%
Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed
in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If this is the way Queen
Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she doesn't deserve to have
any."
%
Sex and drugs and UNIX.
%
Sex and mathematics have one thing in common.
You can do each while thinking about the other.
%
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
-- Sophia Loren
%
Sex is a biological function; kissing is a commitment.
%
Sex is better than grass, if you have the right pusher.
%
Sex is dirty, but only if you do it right.
%
Sex is great,
Sex is grand,
Sex around here,
Is mostly by hand.
%
Sex is just one damp thing after another.
%
Sex is like a bridge game --
If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
%
Sex is low in calories, and *oooh* that aftertaste!
%
Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved.
%
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
%
Sex is the poor man's opera.
-- G.B. Shaw
%
Sex is what women have and men want.
%
Sex; it's always best when one partner is at least a little bit desperate.
%
SEX-CHANGE NUN BECOMES TV WRESTLER!!!
details at 11!
%
Shamus: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. A shamus is at
the bottom of the pecking order of synagog functionaries, and there's
a joke about that:
A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a
service,
"Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out,
"Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries,
"Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
The rabbi turns to the cantor and says,
"Look who thinks he's nobody!"
%
Share and enjoy, share and enjoy.
Journey through life with a plastic boy or girl by your side.
Let your pal be your guide.
And when it breaks down or starts to annoy,
or grinds when it moves and gives you no joy,
'cause it digs up your hat,
or has sex with your cat,
sprays oil on your wall or rips off your door,
and you get to the point you can't stand any more.
Bring it to us, we won't give a shit.
We'll tell you: "Go stick your head in a pig".
%
She Ain't Much to See, but She Looks Good Through the Bottom of a Glass
If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, I Wonder Who's I'd Find On You
I'm Ashamed to be Here, but Not Ashamed Enough to Leave
It's Commode Huggin' Time In The Valley
If You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put It Next to My Ex-wife's Heart
If You Get the Feeling That I Don't Love You, Feel Again
I'm Ashamed To Be Here, But Not Ashamed Enough To Leave
It's the Bottle Against the Bible in the Battle For Daddy's Soul
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Miss Him
Don't Cut Any More Wood, Baby, 'Cause I'll Be Comin' Home With A Load
I Loved Her Face, But I Left Her Behind For You
-- proposed Country-Western song titles
%
She asked me if I loved her still.
"Yes," I replied. "I've never had you any other way."
%
She called her parakeet Onan, because he spilled his seed.
-- Dorothy Parker
%
She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic
candidates for president.
-- John Greenway, "The American Tradition",
on feminist Elizabeth Gould Davis
%
She never liked zippers, she said,
Until she opened one in bed.
%
She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together.
%
She was only:
a coal digger's daughter, but she'll always be mine.
a statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations.
a wrestler's daughter, but you should have seen her box.
a moonshiner's daughter, but I loved her still.
a chimney sweep's daughter, but she sure knew how to haul ash.
a fireman's daughter, but her face was a cause for alarm.
a banker's daughter, but she opened her drawers for cash.
%
She was wearing a very tight skirt, and when she tried to board the Fifth
Avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg. She reached back and
unzipped her zipper. It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back
and unzipped it again. Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and put
her on the top step.
"How dare you?" she demanded.
"Well, lady," he said, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the
second time I thought we'd become good friends."
%
She's fine, upstanding, and wonderful laying down.
%
She's looking for: He's looking for: Foreplay:
1957 Someone who'll go Her: Finding a place to put
Mr. Nice Guy all the way her gum
Him: Wondering which word would
best describe her breasts
to the guys
1967 Someone who's got The first ten minutes
Mr. Natural rolling papers and of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"
will go all the way
1977 Someone who'll go Testing the batteries
Mr. Goodbar all the way in leg
warmers and a leather
face mask
1987 Someone who's never Examination of the genitalia
Mr. Clean gone all the way in under the magnifying glass
San Francisco that Grandma used for needle-
point before she passed away
-- Michael Corcoran, "National Lampoon", October 1987
%
She's the kind of woman you could fall madly in bed with.
%
Shit happens.
%
Shopping at this grody little computer store at the Galleria for a
totally awwwsome Apple. Fer suuure. I mean Apples are nice you
know? But, you know, there is this cute guy who works there and HE
says that VAX's are cooler! I mean I don't really know, you know?
He says that he has this totally tubular VAX at home and it's stuffed
with memory-to-the-max! Right, yeah. And he wants to take me home
to show it to me. Oh My God! I'm suuure. Gag me with a Prime!
%
Short man who dance with tall woman gets bust in mouth.
%
Shouted Frosty the Snowman "Hooray!
I'm agog with excitement today!
And the reason of course,
A reliable source,
Said the snow blower's heading this way!"
%
Showerbath: Natural venue for sexual adventures -- wash together, make love
together: only convenient overhead point in most apartments or hotel rooms
to attach a partner's hands. Don't pull down the fixture, however -- it
isn't weightbearing. See Discipline.
-- The Joy of Sex
%
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
%
Sixteen'll get you twenty.
%
Size counts.
%
small, adj:
Is it in yet?
%
Smoking a woman is like kissing a fish.
%
Sniff sniff... Hey! Who farted?
%
Snow White:
"Gee guys, I've always dreamed of getting ten inches...
but not an inch-and-a-half at a time!
%
So, good night, you moonlit ladies,
Rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose,
Won't you let me go down in my dreams?
And rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
-- James Taylor, "Rock-a-bye Sweet Baby James"
%
So, how's your love life?
Still holding your own?
%
So... if you could choose any nose in the whole wide world,
which one would you pick?
%
So it's ai yi yi yi,
Your mother scores more than Wayne Gretzky!
So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
And waltz me around by my willie!
There once was a man from Nantucket!
Whose cock was so long he could suck it!
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!
So it's ai yi yi yi,
Your sister does squat thrusts on flag poles!
So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
And waltz me around by my willie!
There once was a young man from Boston!
Who drove around town in an Austin!
There was room for his ass,
And a gallon of gas,
So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em!
%
So it's ai yi yi yi,
Your sister swims out to meet troop ships!
So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
And waltz me around by my willie!
There once was a man from Racine!
Who invented a screwing machine!
Both concave and convex,
It could please either sex,
But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
So it's ai yi yi yi,
Your girlfriend douches with Drano!
So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
And waltz me around by my willie!
One night a girl had an affair!
With a fellow all covered with hair!
His enormous red whang,
Gave her a wonderful bang --
She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear!
%
So this elderly couple were sitting in their tiny cold water flat on the
lower East Side when the husband said, "Doris, we're in bad shape. Inflation
has eaten up our Social Security check. The next one isn't due for a week
and we've got no money left for food."
"Could I do anything to help?" she asked.
"Yes," he said. "I hate to see you do this but it's the only way.
You're going to have to go out and hustle."
"Me?" she asked. "At the age of sixty-five?"
"It's the only way," he said.
Resigned to the situation, she went out into the warm night. She came
staggering in early the next morning.
"How did you do?" asked the husband.
"Here," she said, "I've got four dollars and ten cents."
"Four dollars and ten cents," he said . "Who gave you the ten cents?"
"Everybody," she said.
%
So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse is, our
standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the 1950s, when
I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was considered just
about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever showed was women's
breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts would have provided adequate
shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect was no more explicit
than many publications we think nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's
Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue.
-- Dave Barry
%
So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope.
"Hey, father," he said, "have you heard the joke about the two
Polacks who --"
"My son," the Pope reminded him, "I'm Polish."
The salesman thought for a moment.
"That's okay, Father," he said. "I'll tell it very slowly."
%
So you fucked up... you trusted us!
-- Animal House
%
So, your daughter was voted "Most Likely to Conceive",
and you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
%
Social interaction can be fatal. Come to Irvine and live forever.
%
Sodomy, fellatio, cunnilingus, pederasty,
Father, why do these words sound so nasty?
-- Hair
%
Sodomy is a pain in the ass.
%
SOFTWARE:
Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
%
Some companies idea of playing ball is, you play ball with us,
and we'll stick the fucking bat up your ass.
%
Some Harvard men, stalwart and hairy,
Drank up several bottles of sherry;
In the Yard around three
They were shrieking with glee:
"Come on out, we are burning a fairy!"
-- Edward Gorey
%
Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor,
unassisted.
-- Wilson Mizner
%
Some of the management around here are the final proof that the Indians
fucked the buffalo.
%
Some people seem to think that "damn" is God's last name.
%
Some women achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust into them.
%
Some women are like musical glasses.
To keep them in tune they must be wet.
-- Samuel Coleridge
%
Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.
-- Noel Coward
%
Something better...
13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God?
14 (complimentary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to
perch on.
15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides?
16 (obscure): Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone.
17 (inquiry): When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid?
18 (french): Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you
leave.
19 (pornographic): Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once.
20 (religious): The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn't He.
21 (disgusting): Say, who mows your nose hair?
22 (paranoid): Keep that guy away from my cocaine!
23 (aromatic): It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the
coffee ... in Brazil.
24 (appreciative): Oooo, how original. Most people just have their teeth
capped.
25 (dirty): Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?
-- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
%
Sometimes guys'll say to you, "Have a good one." I say, "I already have
a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one."
-- George Carlin
%
Sometimes, you just gotta say "What the fuck."
-- Risky Business
%
Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water.
-- Little Richard
%
SPINSTER:
Unlusted number.
%
Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell you are I think
I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep
I'm just a little slort of sheep.
Tee martoonis make a guy,
Feel so woozy, I don't know why.
So mass the pixer and kill my fup
I've all day sober to sunday up.
%
Statisticians do it with 95 percent confidence.
%
Statisticians probably do it.
%
Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!!!
%
Stockmayer's Theorem:
If it looks easy, it's tough.
If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible.
%
STRAPLESS EVENING GOWN:
Bust truster.
%
stress, n:
The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's
desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who
desperately needs it.
%
subpoena, n:
From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ
or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
%
Success has many fathers, but failure is a bastard.
%
Success is like a fart -- only your own smells nice.
-- James P. Hogan
%
successful cunnilingus:
When you wake up the next morning with a face like a
frosted doughnut.
%
SUGAR DADDY:
A man who can afford to raise cain.
%
Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president!
Quite naturally, we wouldn't have to pay her so much.
%
Sure banking is Biblical!
How about when Onan received a substantial penalty for early withdrawal?
Or when Pharaoh's daughter went into the bulrushes and came out with a
little prophet? And it was Moses who led the Children of Israel to the
Banks of the Jordan!
%
Sure eating yoghurt will improve your sex life. People
know that if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
%
swallow, v:
The (blew) bird of birth control.
%
Systems people do it with a small, but clean, interface.
%
Take a look around you, tell me what you see,
A girl who thinks she's ordinary lookin' she has got the key.
If you can get close enough to look into her eyes
There's something special right behind the bitterness she hides.
And you're fair game,
You never know what she'll decide, you're fair game,
Just relax, enjoy the ride.
Find a way to reach her, make yourself a fool,
But do it with a little class, disregard the rules.
'Cause this one knows the bottom line, couldn't get a date.
The ugly duckling striking back, and she'll decide her fate.
(chorus)
The ones you never notice are the ones you have to watch.
She's pleasant and she's friendly while she's looking at your crotch.
Try your hand at conversation, gossip is a lie,
And sure enough she'll take you home and make you wanna die.
(chorus)
-- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Fair Game"
%
Taoism: Shit Happens.
Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit Happens".
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Protestantism: Shit happens, but it happens to someone else.
Catholicism: Shit happens, but you deserved it.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US?
%
TAXIDERMIST:
A man who mounts animals.
%
Teaching undergraduates is like herding sheep. And, like the old Basque
sheepherder explained, whenever the livestock starts looking good to you,
it's time to spend a night in town.
%
tear leather:
To become excited, as in the sentence "Robin Hood tore
his leather jerkin' off."
%
tearing off a quicky:
Gunning the jump.
%
Teddy Kennedy: A Blond in Every Pond!
%
Teen-age prostitution: the problem is mounting!
%
Television is a whore. Any man who wants her full favors can have them
in five minutes with a pistol.
-- Hijacker, quoted in "Esquire"
%
Tell you what," the haberdasher said to a persistent job applicant. "I've
got one suit I can't sell -- that purple, green and yellow number over there.
If you can make that sale, you've not only got the job, you've got it for
life."
Then the store owner left for lunch. When he returned, he was shocked
to see the young man's clothes in tatters and his hands and face bleeding.
"My God, what happened to you?"
"I sold the suit! I sold the suit!" the young man shouted, a smile
on his bloodied lips.
"Congratulations," the haberdasher said. "You've got the job. But
what happened? Did the customer start a fight?"
"Oh, no," the new salesman replied. "But his Seeing Eye dog was
*pissed*."
%
Tequila my girl, is deceiving:
Take two at the very most.
Take three and you're under the table,
Take four and you're under the host.
%
Test makers do it:
A: sometimes
B: always
C: never
D: none of the above.
%
TEXAN:
A wet-back that didn't make Oklahoma.
%
That girl could suck the chrome off a bumper.
%
That reminds me of a friend of mine who went north to work on the Alaskan
pipeline. Before he went up there, he was just a skinny little runt. When
he got back, he was a husky fucker.
%
The abbess of a nunnery was instructing a group of novices on the house rules
of her particular order. The indoctrination period, which went on for hours,
began with "No washing of undies in the founts," and ended with "Lights out at
nine. Candles out at ten."
%
The attractive and grief-stricken widow had been living in seclusion at the
home of her deceased husband's younger brother for several weeks. One evening,
when she could no longer control her emotions, she barged into her brother-in-
law's study and pleaded, "James, I want you to take off my dress." Shyly,
the brother-in-law did as she requested. "Now," she continued, "take off my
slip." He again complied. "And now," she said, with a slight blush, "remove
my panties and bra." Once more James obeyed her command.
Then, regaining her composure, she stared directly at the young man
and boldly announced, "I have only one more request, James. Don't ever let
me catch you wearing my things again."
%
The best way to cut off a cat's tail is to repossess his Jaguar.
%
The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made.
Evidently He made her on Saturday night. She reveals his fatigue.
-- Dumas
%
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that
sex for money usually costs a lot less.
-- Brendan Francis
%
The blacksmith told me before he died,
And I have no reason to believe that he lied,
That no matter how he tried,
His wife was never satisfied!
And so he built a bloody great wheel,
Harnessed to a cock of steel,
Two balls of brass were filled with cream,
And the whole damn thing was driven by steam.
Round and round went the bloody great wheel,
In and out went the cock of steel,
Till at last the maiden cried,
"Enough! Enough! I am satisfied!"
And now we come to the crucial bit --
There was no way of stopping it.
And she was split from hole to hole,
And the whole fucking thing was covered in shit...
%
The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as
they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said,
"Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me -- do you have
any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot
fetish -- but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."
%
The bottom-up approach always gets me buggered.
-- Sidney J. Hurtubise
%
The boys in the Epperson family all acquired fine educations except for Edward.
They made him go to school, but most of the time he just ignored what was said
there. Yet there were rare moments when he could display a bit of curiosity.
One day Edward was sitting at home looking at a magazine, and he said
to his brilliant older brother, Hud, he said, "Hud, what does fox pass mean?"
Brother Hud gave the question some deep consideration and then said,
"You must mean _faux_pas_."
"The way it's spelled," said dumb Ed, "it's fox pass."
Hud took a look at the way it was spelled and then said, "It's a French
phrase -- it means a social blunder. Remember last Sunday when the Bishop came
for dinner? Mother took him out in the garden and they were looking over the
roses when the Bishop got stuck on the thumb by a thorn. It was bleeding quite
a bit so Mother brought him in the house. They went into the bathroom together
and stayed quite a while, and when they came out we all went to the dinner
table. Remember all that, Ed?"
"Yeh."
"Now," Hud continued, "you recall that I was just getting to pass
the gravy when Mother said, 'Bishop, does your prick still throb?' The gravy
bowl flew out of my hands and hit the table, and the gravy splattered all
over everyone. And just at that point you, Brother Edward, you hollered,
'Sheee-itt!' You remember that?"
"Yeh."
"Well, when you hollered 'Sheee-itt!' that was a _faux_pas_."
%
The butcher, the baker, the candlestick make her, why can't I?
%
The computer is the ultimate polluter:
Its shit is indistinguishable from the food it produces.
%
The country girl who became a city madam
has obviously gone from rags to rigids.
%
The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that
the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance.
%
The difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball
is that you can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
%
The difference between graffiti and philosophy is the word "fuck".
%
The difference between her and the Titanic is that only 1100 men
went down on the Titanic.
%
The difference between like and love is the
same as the difference between a spit and a swallow.
%
The difference between this school and a cactus plant
is that the cactus has the pricks on the outside.
%
The difference between women and girls
is as much as twenty years in some states.
%
The early worm gets the bird.
%
The ecumenical movement has reached a milestone with the agreement on the
text of the first Jewish-Catholic prayer -- one that begins "Oy vay, Maria".
%
The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
-- New Libertarian Notes, #19
%
The first time we slept together she drove a recreational vehicle into
the bedroom.
-- Richard Lewis
%
The five-alarm fire had been raging out of control for hours, pouring thick,
black smoke over the street. At last the blaze was under control and the
fire chief began accounting for his men. Two were missing, so he ordered
a search. Captain Kelly finally rounded a fire truck parked in an alley
and found, to his shock, one fireman with his trousers down leaning over a
garbage can and another fireman screwing him in the ass.
"What's the meaning of this!", the captain roared.
"Jones here had passed out from smoke inhalation," the fireman on
top panted.
"You're supposed to give mouth to mouth resuscitation for that!"
the captain yelled.
"I know. That's what started this," the fireman replied.
%
The Fortune Travel Agency offers a special... Vacation in Hell!
-- Grace Kelly drives you to the airport.
-- Thurman Munson flies you to a remote tropical island.
-- Ted Kennedy's your chauffeur on the island.
-- You go yachting with Natalie Wood.
-- You have drinks with William Holden.
-- And Roman Polanski stays at home and watches your kids.
%
The fucking ain't worth the fighting.
%
The girls that go to see a man's etchings
may not know art, but they know what they like.
%
The good doctor had been an inspiration to the jungle natives. He had cured
their sick and taught them the religious and moral values of his own England.
He was loved and respected by every native in the village, but on this
particular afternoon the chief was obviously troubled as he entered the
doctor's hut. "You live among my people long time now," said the chief.
"You tell us not right for a man and girl to be close together before
marriage and we believe what you say. This morning white child born to
woman in village. You only white man in jungle. What I tell my people?"
The doctor smiled and led the chief to a window. "My son," he said,
"I'll won't attempt to give you a full scientific explanation for the
phenomenon known as an albino. But look at the flock of sheep upon that
hill. Every one is snow white except one. The white baby born to the
woman in your village means nothing more or less than that one black sheep
in the white flock. It is simply one of nature's mysterious accidents."
The black chief became embarrassed and looked at his feet. "OK, doc,"
he said. "You no tell -- I no tell."
%
The good news is that the horse is dead, but your mother's pregnant.
%
The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it.
-- Truman Capote
%
The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of statistics.
These are raised to the nth degree, the cube roots are extracted, and the
results are arranged into elaborate and impressive displays. What must be
kept ever in mind, however, is that in every case, the figures are first
put down by a village watchman, and he puts down anything he damn well
pleases.
-- Sir Josiah Stamp
%
The greatest lies of all time:
(1) I love you.
(2) This won't hurt a bit.
(3) The Mercedes is paid for.
(4) The check is in the mail.
(5) I was just going to call you.
(6) I've always worn cowboy boots.
(7) I swear I won't come in your mouth.
(8) Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
(9) We have a really challenging assignment for you.
(10) I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you.
%
The hacker as a mate/lover and the signs of trouble:
-- The morning after note reads:
Whiting, Barbara:
I enjoyed last night. We really interfaced. You looked so cute
I wanted to byte your ear.
-- He believes Steve Wozniak offered the Apple to Adam.
-- The people he tries to emulate are five years his junior.
-- The last straw:
Once again, your date has lost all track of time debugging a new
program and shows up an hour late.
You Don't...:
Make nasty asides regarding his 5-1/4 inch floppy.
You Do...:
Remind him that "going down" doesn't necessarily
indicate a malfunction.
%
The harder they come, the more important it is to have
an extra-firm mattress.
%
The honest female orgasm is three to fifteen rhythmic contractions of the
outer third of the vagina at .8 second intervals, which is approximately
the beat of Surfing Safari" by the Beach Boys. Unless these contractions
occur, you can regard her groaning, moaning, clawing, kicking, begging for
mercy, and shouting filthy religious epithets as bargain-basement histrionics.
-- John Hughes, National Lampoon
%
The honeymoon is over when a quickie before dinner refers to a short drink.
%
The hope that springs eternal
Springs right up your behind.
-- Ian Drury, "This Is What We Find"
%
The hungover couple dawdled over a midafternoon breakfast, after a
particularly wild all-night party held in their fashionable apartment.
"Dearest, this is rather embarrassing," said the husband, "but
was it you I made love to in the library last night?"
His wife looked at him reflectively and then asked, "About what
time?"
%
The husband was disturbed by his wife's indifferent attitude towards him
and the marriage counselor suggested he try being more aggressive in his
lovemaking.
"Act more like a romantic lover and less like a bored spouse," he
was advised. "When you go home, make love to her as soon as you meet --
even if it's right inside the front door."
At the next consultation, the adviser was pleased to hear that the
husband had followed his instructions. "And how did she react this time?"
the consultant asked.
"Well, to tell you the truth," the husband replied, "she was still
sort of indifferent. But one thing I've got to admit: her bridge club went
absolutely wild!"
%
The husband wired home that he had been able to wind up his business trip a
day early and would be home on Thursday. When he walked into his apartment,
however, he found his wife in bed with another man. Furious,he picked up his
bag and stormed out. He met his mother-in-law on the street, told her what
had happened and announced that he was filing for divorce in the morning.
"Give my daughter a chance to explain before you take any action,"
the older woman pleaded. Reluctantly, he agreed.
An hour later his mother-in-law phoned the husband at his club.
"I knew my daughter would have an explanation," she said, a note of triumph
in her voice. "She didn't receive your telegram!"
%
The Italian entry in the Eurovision Song Contest, "I Can't Get No
Contraception", has been withdrawn after the Pope advised them to
pull it out at the last minute.
-- Not the Nine O'Clock News
%
The king arranged a regal marriage for his daughter -- a bond that would unite
two great kingdoms. Yet, because the young couple seemed so formal to each
other, he posted a spy outside the royal wedding chamber and demanded a full
account of the wedding night's progress.
"It's hard to tell," said the spy the next morning. "When the prince
entered the chamber, I heard the princess say, quite formally, 'I offer you my
honor.' Then the prince said, with equal courtliness, 'I honor your offer.'
And that's the way it went all night long -- honor, offer, honor, offer.
%
The largest gay community in the U.S. (as a percentage of total population)
is not in San Francisco, but in Iowa Falls, Minnesota (pop. 763), a small
town in which virtually everyone is gay. In 1976, a group of about 100
gays fleeing persecution in the South settled in the town, and soon won a
majority on the town council. Ordinances prohibiting heterosexual acts
soon followed. "After all," said mayor Harry Whalen, "If the Supreme Court
has refused to strike down laws prohibiting homosexual acts, then our
anti-straight laws are equally valid." Rigorous enforcement of those laws
has resulted in a community that is now almost 100% gay. Said one long-time
resident: "I've lived here 35 years and didn't want to leave, but I didn't
want to give up sex either. Then my neighbor Ed came over one night, and
said how about I do it with him, and my wife Millie could do it with his
wife. Well, I found it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was gonna be.
Fact is, I rather like it."
%
The lights are on,
but you're not home;
Your will
is not your own;
Your heart sweats,
Your teeth grind;
Another kiss
and you'll be mine...
You like to think that you're immune to the stuff
(Oh Yeah!)
It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough;
You know you're gonna have to face it,
You're addicted to love!"
-- Robert Palmer
%
The little boy pointed to two dogs in the park and asked his father what
they were doing. "They're making puppies, son," replied the father.
That night, the boy wandered into his parents' room while they were
making love. Asked what they were doing, the father replied, "Making you
a baby brother."
"Gee, Dad," the boy pleaded, "turn her over -- I'd rather have a
puppy."
%
The little old lady rushed into the taxidermist and unwrapped a package
containing two recently deceased monkeys. Her instructions to the proprietor
were delivered in a welter of tears.
"Favorite pets... (blubber,sob)... caught cold... (moan)... Don't
see how I'll live without them... (weep,sob)... want to have them stuffed...
(blubber,blubber)!"
"Of course, madam," said the proprietor in an understanding voice,
"and would you care to have them mounted?"
"Oh, no," she sobbed, "shaking hands. They were just close friends."
%
The long-peckered Bey of Algiers
Loved to spear chubby lads in their rears.
A demon for semen,
This buffersome he-man
Shot the chute till it seeped from their ears.
%
The man and woman make love, attain climax, fall separate. Then she
whispers, "I'll tell you who I was thinking of if you tell me who you
were thinking of." Like most sex jokes the origins of the pleasant
exchange are obscure. But whatever the source, it seldom fails to evoke
a certain awful recognition.
-- Gore Vidal, "New York Review of Books"
%
The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She
is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.
-- Norton
%
The Messiah will come. There will be a resurrection of the dead -- all
the things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated.
-- Rabbi Meir Kahane
%
The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.
What matter where, if I be still the same,
And what I should be, all but less than he
Whom thunder hath made greater? here at least
We shall be free; the almighty hath not built
Here for his envy, will not drive us hence;
Here we may reign secure, and, in my choice,
To reign is worth ambition, though in Hell:
Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.
-- Satan, Milton's "Paradise Lost", I, 254-263
%
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get.
%
The more I learn about women, the more I love my dog.
%
The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?"
%
The most pressing issue facing women today is finding a contraceptive
jelly that smells like a fresh fruit salad.
%
The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was
"Are you sure you're not a cop?"
-- Larry Brown
%
The most unfair thing about STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) is
that the guys who bought vasectomies have to wear condoms anyway.
%
The most unsatisfactory men are those who pride themselves on their
virility and regard sex as if it were some form of athletics at which
you win cups. It is a woman's spirit and mood which a man has to
stimulate in order to make sex interesting. The real lover is the
man who can thrill you by just touching your head or smiling into
your eyes - or just by staring into space.
-- Marilyn Monroe
%
The mother of the year should be a sterilized woman with two
adopted children.
-- Paul Ehrlich
%
The moving finger having writ... gestures.
%
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on
their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.
"I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at
the dinner table."
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair
and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a
hint of a smile.
"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you
be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"
%
The new priest was so nervous about performing his first mass that he could
hardly speak. He asked his Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor
replied that it might help relax him to add just a bit of vodka to the water
pitcher. The next Sunday, after following the Monsignor's advice, the priest
returned to the rectory to find a note from that worthy.
1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
2. There are ten commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
5. The recommended grace before meals is not,
"Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yaaaay, God!"
6. Do not refer to our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and his
Apostles as "J.C. and the Boys".
7. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
8. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred
to as, "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook".
9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never The Mary with the Cherry.
10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a
Taffy-Pulling Contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling
Contest at St. Taffy's.
%
The new rooster caused a great stir in the barnyard. From resplendent comb
to defiant spurs, he was the picture of young bantamhood. Almost immediately
upon arrival, he was greeted by and elderly rooster who took him behind the
barn and whispered in his ear: "Young fellow, I'm long past my prime. All I
want now is peace and solitude. So you take over right now as ruler of the
roost with my blessings."
The newcomer did just that. He went about his squirely duties as only
a young rooster could. After several days, however, the elder rooster again
took the young champion behind the barn. "Kid," he said, "the hens are after
me for giving up my position so readily. So why don't we have a race, say,
ten laps around the farmhouse? The winner becomes undisputed keeper of the
henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me.
The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed.
Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead. His counterpart,
weakened by the activities of the previous week, was never quite able to
overtake him. As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster
maintained a formidable lead.
Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out. The young rooster fell in the
dust, his plumage riddled with buckshot.
"Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer. "That's the last rooster we buy
from Ferguson. Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer."
%
The only difference between your current lover and a doorknob is
that a doorknob warms up when you hold it.
%
The only difference between your girlfriend
and a barracuda is the nailpolish.
%
The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist.
-- Stendhal
%
The only psychologically damaging thing about masturbation is
that there's nobody else to blame later for persuading you to do it.
%
The only thing faster than the speed of light is shit flowing downhill.
-- Mike O'Dell
%
The only way for writers to meet is to share a quick pee over a common
lamp-post.
-- Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir"
%
The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in
bed with a dead girl or a live boy.
-- Edwin Edwards, Louisiana governor
%
The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to
her if she is pretty and to someone else if she is plain.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
The only way you'll ever hear from
me is if you're living in the same hell.
-- Roy Harper
%
The operator's left hand quivered as she gingerly unlatched the
catch to the diskette reader. Uncontrollably, she reached down,
guiding the sharply pointed diskette into the deep, dark slot.
The floppy diskette nearly folded under the repeated thrusts of
her hand, until finally she could control it no longer, her right
hand instinctively taking an option zero. And then it all came at
once, thousands upon thousands of data bits flowing from diskette
to disk in a torrent of torrid transfer, as the helpless legs
of the 32 strained to remain on the floor.
%
The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
%
The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man.
"What is the meaning of this?" he demanded. "Who is this fellow?"
"That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over.
"What IS your name?"
%
The penis mightier than the sword.
%
the perfect woman:
Four feet tall, no teeth and a flat head so you can rest
your drink.
[Pistol-grip ears? Ed.]
%
The pleasure is momentary,
The position ridiculous,
The expense damnable.
-- Chesterfield, on sex
%
The pleasure is transitory, the cost
prohibitive, and the position ridiculous.
-- Disraeli, on sex
%
The plural of spouse is spice.
-- R.A. Heinlein
%
The police were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman
who had jumped from a window of his 11th story office. His voluptuous private
secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had
been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him a month ago.
"After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a
twenty-dollar raise. At the end of the second week he called me into his
private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings
and said, 'These are for a beautiful, efficient secretary.' At the end of the
third week he gave me a gorgeous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me
into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet
and asked me if I would consider making love to him and what it would cost.
I told him I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it
for five dollars, although I was charging all the other boys in the office ten
dollars. That's when he jumped out the window."
%
The poor little doe
Crawled out of the woods,
Tired, bedraggled and blue.
"Look," she said, "What I did for a buck,
I should have asked for two!"
%
The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon. He stops
for a moment, scratches his forehead, then asks a Cardinal, "Can you think
of a four-letter word for `woman' that ends in `u-n-t'?"
"Aunt," replies the Cardinal.
"Say, thanks," says the Pope. "You got an eraser?"
%
The priest at Sunday mass noticed that Michael took a ten-dollar bill and two
one-dollar bills from the collection plate, instead of putting something in.
He thought to himself, I'd better watch out for Michael. The next week he
noticed the same thing. So he waited outside church when mass was over, and
as Michael came out, he accosted his and said,
"Michael, tell me -- why did you take out a ten-dollar bill and two
singles two weeks in a row, instead of putting money into the collection?"
Michael replied, "Father, I'm embarrassed, but I did it because I
wanted to go downtown for a blow job."
The priest looked surprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do
that anymore. I'll be watching you from now on."
When he got back to the rectory, the priest was still perplexed.
Finally he decided to call Mother Agatha at the convent. He said, "Mother,
you've been such a great friend of mine, I have a question I need to ask you.
What is a blow job?"
Mother Agatha replied, "Oh, twelve dollars, same as downtown."
%
The problem with being best man at a wedding
is that you never get a chance to prove it.
%
The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's chances to become a
Senator. After all, if they won't allow California fruit out of the state,
how is Brown going to get to Washington?
%
The public is an old woman. Let her maunder and mumble.
-- Thomas Carlyle
%
The quality of a blow-job is determined by the
length of sheet you have to pull out of your ass.
%
The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have
to walk around in front every time you want to kiss her.
%
The real trouble with women is that they have *all* the pussy.
%
The reason big companies have lots and lots of meetings is because
they can't masturbate.
%
The reason Roman Catholics are allowed to use the
rhythm method of birth control is that it doesn't work.
%
The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located.
%
The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR.
%
The rich man uses vaseline,
The poor man uses lard;
The worker uses axle grease
But gets it twice as hard.
%
The romantic young man sat on the park bench with a first date. He was
certain his charming words and manner would win her as they had many others.
"Some moon out tonight,"he cooed.
"There certainly is," she agreed.
"Some really bright stars in the sky."
She nodded.
"Some dew on the grass."
"Some do," she said indignantly, "but I'm not that sort."
%
The San Francisco police are nothing if not sensitive to the mood of the
community. The word is that Dirty Harry has been replaced by Bitchy Gerald.
%
The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a
dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said...
"It's my dick and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
%
The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth.
-- Diana Rigg
%
The sex life of spiders is very interesting.
He fucks her.
She bites his head off.
-- From a Women's Lib Poster
%
The sex was nice, but confusing. The whole situation kept going di-polar
on Sta-Hi. One instant Misty would seem like a lovely warm girl who'd
survived a terrible injury, like a lost puppy to be stroked, a lonely
woman to be husbanded. But then he'd start thinking of the wires behind
her eyes, and he'd be screwing a machine, an inanimate object, a public
toilet. Just like with any other woman for him, really.
-- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
%
The shy young man had been married for three months when he reported to his
doctor that his marriage was still in name only. The doctor, after hearing
the sad tale, told him that waiting until bedtime to make advances was causing
psychological pressure and advised him to take advantage of the next time he
felt in the mood. A week later, the doctor happened to meet the man again,
and noticed a new spring in his step. "My advice worked, I take it?" he
inquired.
The young man grinned. "Perfectly. The other night, we were having
supper, and as I reached for the salt -- so did she! Our hands touched... It
was as if an electric current ran through us. I leaped to my feet, swept the
dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage! There's
just one problem, however. We can't go back to The Four Seasons again..."
%
The Stealth Condom -- they'll never see you coming.
%
The struggling for knowledge has a pleasure in it
like that of wrestling with a fine woman.
-- Lord Halifax
%
The sun was shining brightly The breeze was blowing briskly,
And I could hardly wait, It made the flowers sway,
To ponder at my window The garden was enchanting
And gaze at my estate. On this inspiring day.
My eyes fell on a little bird, I smiled at him cheerfully
With a beautiful yellow bill, And gave him a crust of bread,
I beckoned him to come and light And then I closed the window
Upon my window sill. And smashed his fucking head.
-- "Good Morning", Debbie Smith
%
The three faithful things in life are money, a dog, and an old woman.
%
The three most important parts of a stove: lifter, leg, and poker.
%
The three sexual positions during pregnancy.
During the first four months: Missionary style
During the second four months: Doggie style
And during the last month: Coyote style
Coyote style?
You sit by the hole and howl.
%
The time has come for kicking ass and taking names.
%
The townspeople stood in despair as the fire that had begun in a diner
threatened to spread to adjoining homes. Just then, a truck filled with
farm workers came speeding down a hill toward the fire. The crowd moved
back and the truck drove right into the thickest of the flames. The workers
jumped out and beat at the fire with their coats, miraculously bringing the
blaze under control.
The city fathers were so grateful for the men's heroism that they
gave each a plaque and $1000. After the ceremony, newsmen interviewed the
driver and asked him what he was going to do with the money.
"You can be damned sure the first thing I'm gonna do," he replied,
"is get the brakes fixed on that son-of-a-bitchin' truck!"
%
The truth about a woman often lasts longer than the woman is true.
%
The two couples were enjoying their vacation together at a resort hotel. They
were in the middle of a game of Scrabble in the lobby when a thunderstorm cut
off the hotel's electricity, leaving little to do but retire to their rooms.
Bill was a rather devout man, so before getting into bed with his companion,
he said his prayers. As he got under the covers, the lightning suddenly
flashed through the window and he discovered that he was in the wrong room.
He instantly jumped up and started to dash for the hallway. "It's too late,
called the girl from the bed, "my guy doesn't pray."
%
The two men feigned friendship but secretly hated each other's guts and took
great pleasure in giving one another the needle on any and all occasions.
This particular evening they met, quite by accident, at a popular bar.
The conversation started innocently enough; then one, with sudden inspiration,
ran his hand over the other's bald head and exclaimed,
"By God, Fred, that feels just like my wife's ass!"
The other ran his own hand over his head and nonchalantly retorted,
"Well, I'll be damned, Jim, so it does, so it does!"
%
The two things that you should never lend out are your car
or your woman. Someone's bound to throw a rod in either one.
%
The Unitarians are really just a bunch of atheists who really
like going to church.
%
The Utah version of this joke goes:
One of the Council of the Twelve runs breathlessly into the Presidents'
office one day. The President looks up and says "Brother, what is so important
that you ran all the way here, losing your breath?"
The Council member finally regains his breath, and says "The Savior is
in the lobby!!"
The President immediate starts for the door, crying "It has come! The
prophecies are fulfilled! We are all about to be uplifted!"
The Council member says "Wait! You didn't let me finish! She's...
black, and SHE IS PISSED!"
%
The very proper spinster didn't go out very often, but she had some important
shopping to do that morning and so decided to have her lunch in what appeared
to be a nice quiet respectable restaurant. With the noontime crowd, many
customers shared their tables with strangers; the spinster selected a seat
next to an attractive, young office girl. The girl finished her sandwich and
coffee, then settled back and lit up a cigarette. The older woman controlled
herself for a few moments and then snapped,
"I'd rather commit adultery than smoke in public."
"So would I," said the girl, "but I only have half an hour for lunch."
%
The voters have spoken, the bastards...
%
The wages of sin are high -- unless you know someone who does it for nothing.
%
The warden of the De Luxington preparatory school for boys was holding a
hearing. The lad before his desk, a very popular young fellow, was angrily
accusing one of his schoolmates of having assaulted him sexually.
"I must warn you, m'boy, this is a very serious charge, the warden
said.
"I don't care. I tell you it is true. He raped me, warden." The
youth pointed to another, somewhat larger boy smirking in the corner.
"That's him, sir, the one who forced me to do all those crimes against
nature. The bully!"
"Now tell me, son, as closely as you can, when this happened."
"Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same
evening, on Friday, twice on Saturday, two times on Monday, once on
Wednesday, and then he met that bitch Roy and he hasn't touched me since."
%
The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the
absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum.
-- Havelock Ellis
%
The woman you buy -- and she is the least expensive -- takes a great
deal of money. The woman who gives herself takes all your time.
-- Balzac
%
The word `spine' is, of course, an anagram of `penis'. This is true in
almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people have
attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged down in
silly puns about "standing erect".
%
The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
%
The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her
first visit home since starting college.
"Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity
last weekend."
"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner
or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight
guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore."
%
The young stud walked into a bordello. After he took his clothes off, the
woman was puzzled to see him put a clothespin on his nose, stuff cotton in
his ears, and put a prophylactic on his penis.
"Hey," she asked, "what the hell are you doing?"
"Well, ma'am", replied the stud, "there are two things I just can't
stand. A screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber."
%
Then there was the girl who was engaged
to a gymnast -- 'til he broke it off.
%
Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or
swear, and never, ever made a pass at her. He also made his own dresses.
%
Then there was the guy that got badly messed up fighting
for his girl's honor. It seems she wanted to keep it.
%
Then there was the middle-aged businessman who took his spouse to Paris.
After traipsing with her from one mansion du couture to another, be begged
for a day off to rest and got it. With the wife gone shopping again, he
went to the Ritz Bar and picked up a luscious parisienne. They got on
well until the question of money came up. She wanted a hundred American
dollars; he offered fifty. They couldn't get together on the price; so
they didn't get together. That evening he escorted his wife to one of the
nicer restaurants on the Rue de Rivoli, and there he spotted his gorgeous
babe of the afternoon seated at a table near the door.
"See, monsieur?" she said as they passed her. "Look what you got
for your lousy fifty bucks."
%
Then there was the Scot that wanted to rob a jewelry store -- he tossed a
brick through the show window and ran off with a king's ransom. They
caught him when he came back for the brick.
%
There are a couple of things about her I greatly admire.
%
There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists, Every sperm is sacred,
there are Hindus and Mormons and then Every sperm is great,
there are those that follow Mohammed ...But... If a sperm is wasted,
I've never been one of them. God gets quite irate.
I am a Roman Catholic Every sperm is wanted,
And have been since before I was born, Every sperm is good.
And the one thing they say about Catholics is Every sperm is needed,
They'll take you as soon as you're warm. In your neighborhood.
You don't have to be a six-footer. Let the heathens spill theirs,
You don't have to have a great brain. On the dusty ground.
You don't have to have any clothes on, God shall make them pay for
You're a Catholic the moment Dad came Each sperm that can't be found.
...Because...
Hindu, Taoist, Mormon, Every sperm is useful,
spill theirs just anywhere Every sperm is fine.
but God loves those who treat their God needs everybodies,
semen with more care. Mine, and mine, and mine.
-- Monty Python, "Every Sperm is Sacred"
%
There are many ways to say "I love you", but fucking is the fastest.
%
There are only six Democrats in all of Hinsdale County and you, you son of
a bitch, you ate five of them.
-- Colorado judge, sentencing Alfred E. Packer for
cannibalism in 1874.
%
There are so many people wanting a piece of my ass that some of them
are having to take turns.
-- T.K.
%
There are three women on the fast track in a particular company. The
president realizes it's time to promote one of them, but they're all so
competent that he's not sure which one to choose. So he devises a little
test. One day while they're all at lunch, he places $500 on each of their
desks. #1 returns it to him immediately. #2 pockets it. #3 invests
in the market and returns $1,500 to him in the morning. Who gets the
promotion? The one with the big tits!
%
There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
%
There are two trees in the forest. They are very proud trees. One day
they notice a sapling half-way between them.
One tree proclaims, "That is a son of beech!"
"No, that is a son of a birch!" insists the other.
"A son of a BEECH!"
"A son of a BIRCH!"
"Son of a beech!"
"Son of a birch!"
The fighting attracts a woodpecker who informs them that he can tell what
kind of tree the sapling is by its taste. First he tastes the beech and
the birch. Then he tastes the sapling. "Well now, is that a son of a
beech or a son of a birch?" asks the beech.
"You're both wrong!" says the bird. "That's the best piece of ash
I've had my pecker in for a long time!"
%
There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a
woman's breasts. One is not enough and three are too many.
%
There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco --
the pervertible. The top doesn't go down, but the driver does.
%
There is nothing as overrated as a bad
lay, or as underrated as a great shit.
%
There is nothing wrong with screwing everyone in sight.
Boring your friends about it is the sin.
-- Mama Liz
%
There once was a Sailor who looked through a glass
And spied a fair mermaid with scales on her... island.
Where seagulls flew over their nest.
She combed the long hair which hung over her... shoulders.
And caused her to tickle and itch.
The sailor cried out "There's a beautiful... mermaid.
A sittin' out there on the rocks."
The crew came a running, all grabbing their... glasses.
And crowded four deep to the rail.
All eager to share in this fine piece of... news.
...
"Throw out a line and we'll lasso her... flippers.
And soon we will certainly find
If mermaids are better before or be... brave
My dear fellows," The captain cried out.
And cursing with spleen.
This song may be dull, but it's certainly clean.
-- "The Clean Song", Oscar Brandt
%
There was a man who, every day, would buy a newspaper on the way to work,
glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy. Day after day the
man would go through this routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it
and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the
front page before discarding it?"
The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries."
"But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the newspaper."
"Young man," he replied, "the son-of-a-bitch I'm looking for will
be on the front page."
-- Attributed to FDR.
%
There was a young man hitchhiking along a road one day. A car stopped and the
driver opened the door and asked, "What political party are you with?"
He replied, "Why, I'm a Democrat."
And the driver slammed the door and rode off. The guy was pretty
discouraged when another car came along, and the driver asked the same
question.
The guy answered, "Uh, I'm a Democrat."
And again, the driver slammed the door and rode off. Now he was
downright confused when another car came along. The driver was an attractive
lady, and she asked the same question.
He answered: "I'm a Republican."
And she answered, "Well, then, hop on in."
They drove on for a few minutes when he began to notice that her
skirt was beginning to get hiked up on her thighs. Finally, he couldn't take
it any more, and said "Ma'am, stop the car and let me out. I've only been
a Republican for 15 minutes, and already I feel like screwing someone!"
%
There was a young tenor named Springer,
Got his testicles caught in a wringer.
He hollered in pain,
As they rolled down the drain,
"There goes my career as a singer!"
%
There was once a newly-married couple. Now these two lovers were, well,
rather uptight about using expressions such as "having sex", "getting it on",
or "boffing the brains out". So, they decided to use the euphemism, "doing
the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up.
One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry
tonite?", and she consented. The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie,
feel like doing some laundry tonite?" Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood,
but complied. On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to
participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not
in the mood for doing any laundry tonite."
Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom
and engaged in a spot of self-abuse instead. Upon returning to the living
room, wifey said, "Well, Poopsie, I've changed my mind -- how about doing
some laundry?" To which he replied, "Oh, no, that's okay, I just did a small
load!"
%
There was once a salesman who had an outstanding record for selling tooth-
brushes. His boss, wondering at his unlikely success, sent a man out to
follow the salesman on rounds to see what pitch he gave that brought such
good results. It was soon found that this particular salesman went to the
corner of a busy street and opened up his briefcase, and on one side was the
assortment of toothbrushes, and on the other side various chips and garnishes
and a bowl of brownish stuff. He would grab a likely customer and give them
the following pitch.
"Good morning, ma'am, this is a commercial promotion for --- brand
of chip dip. Would you care to give it a try?"
At that point the person would try it, then spit it out and scream
in utter disgust, "This tastes like shit!"
The salesman would smile and say, "It is. You want to buy a
toothbrush?"
%
There was something about her I liked,
but I couldn't put my finger on it.
%
There were the Scots
Who kept the Sabbath
And everything else they could lay their hands on.
Then there were the Welsh
Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.
Thirdly there were the Irish
Who never knew what they wanted
But were willing to fight for it anyway.
Lastly there were the English
Who considered themselves a self-made nation
Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.
%
There's a handsome boy who tells me how I've changed his past. He buys me
a brandy... Could it be he's really just after my ass?
-- Pete Townshend, "How Many Friends"
%
There's a tendency today to absolve individuals from moral responsibility and
treat them as victims of social circumstance. You buy that, you pay with your
soul. It's not men who limit women, it's not straights who limit gays, it's
not whites who limit blacks. What limits people is lack of character. What
limits people is that they don't have the fucking nerve or imagination to star
in their own movie, let alone direct it.
-- Bernard Mickey Wrangle
%
There's a vas deferens between men and women.
%
There's amnesia in a hangknot,
And comfort in the ax,
But the simple way of poison will make your nerves relax.
There's surcease in a gunshot,
And sleep that comes from racks,
But a handy draft of poison avoids the harshest tax.
You find rest on the hot squat,
Or gas can give you pax,
But the closest corner chemist has peace in packaged stacks.
There's refuge in the church lot
When you tire of facing facts,
And the smoothest route is poison prescribed by kindly quacks.
Chorus: With an *ugh!* and a groan, and a kick of the heels,
Death comes quiet, or it comes with squeals --
But the pleasantest place to find your end
Is a cup of cheer from the hand of a friend.
-- Jubal Harshaw, "One For The Road"
%
There's many a slurp t'wixt the tip and the zip.
%
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
Way #3 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
Way #27 -- Use an electric sander.
Way #32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
Way #33 -- A bicycle pump.
%
There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex?
A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
-- Billy Joel
%
There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
-- David Mairowitz
%
They ought to make butt-flavored cat food.
-- Gallagher
%
They watched the sun slowly sink behind the hills, and the fiery glow on the
lake fade into darkness. He eyed her shadowy figure, accentuated by the moon-
light, as the tension from within began to fuel his animalistic desires.
She followed him, ever so quietly, as they sought a secluded corner in the
barn. Alone! At last. His hands roamed about her soft back, around to her
thighs, and finally caressed her budding nipples. Oh, how smooth and succulent
she was! "Was it so wrong?", he asked himself. No, he thought, for his
father had done it, as did his own father, ad infinitum. The boiling,
uncontrollable rage within him became unbearable. She signalled her eagerness,
spreading her legs, as he grasped her nipples again. Stroking, again and
again, longer each time. It began coming; again, again, again, again. His
mind raced with fear "Will it stop?". Exhausted, he lay down beside her.
"Dear God, what have I done?". Suddenly, his father burst in. His eyes
burned as he stared for what seemed an eternity. Finally, his father spoke.
"Son, you ain't supposed to milk the damn cow till mornin'!"
%
This Czech walks into police station in 1968 during the Fraternal Assistance.
Czech: Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and
took my Russian watch.
Desk Sergeant: Come again?
Czech: Right out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and
took my Russian watch.
DS: You're confused. Why would there be a Swiss soldier here? And who
would want to own a Russian watch? It was a Russian soldier who
knocked you down and took your Swiss watch, right?
Czech: Well, maybe, but you said it, not me.
%
This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night. Men and women
stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly,
looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john. He saw a
stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly
desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a
one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he
decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it,
and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the
steps to find, to his surprise, that the crowded bar was now empty.
"Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?"
From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey! Where were you when
the shit hit the fan?"
%
This guy makes an appointment with a doctor because his hemorrhoids are
really bothering him. The doctor gives him some suppositories and tells
him to come back in a week for a checkup. "How's it going?" he asks
the patient a week later.
"I gotta tell you the truth, Doc," said the man. "For all the
good these pills did me, I coulda shoved them up my ass."
%
This guy, see, was walkin' down the street sportin' two -- not one, but two
-- black eyes; a coupla real shiners. He chanced upon his buddy walkin' th'
other way... they stopped to talk... "Hey guy," sez his buddy, "where'd'ja
git them good lookin' shiners? Musta been a helluva fight."
"Well, actually, I got them in church," sez he.
"Nowwaitaminnit," sez the friend, "nobody gits black eyes in church!"
"I swear I did," sez he, "and here's how it happened. We all got up
to sing a hymn, you see, and the fat lady in front of me got her dress all
stuck up in the crack of her butt, so bein' as how I'm a real gennulman an'
all, well, I leaned forward and pulled it out for her. And you know what?
She just turned around, hauled off and slugged me one!"
"Well," his buddy replies, after he can talk again, "that shore 'nuff
explains one of 'em. Howdja git th' other one?"
"Well," sez he, "like I said, I'm a gennulman, even when somebody does
me wrong, so when I saw she didn't like it like that, I stuck it back in."
%
This guy walks into a bank and up to a female bank teller:
Man: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
Teller: "Excuse me, sir?"
M: "Listen, bitch, I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
T: "Sir, I don't have to listen to this abusive language."
M: "LOOK! I just want to open a fuckin' savings account."
T: "Sir, you leave me no choice but to speak to the manager."
The teller walks over and explains the customer's rude behavior to the bank
manager who then accompanies her back to the teller booth.
Mgr: "Can I help you, sir?"
M: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
Mgr: "Please, sir, we'll be delighted to help you, but we must request
that you not use abusive language to our tellers."
M: "Look. I just won $25 million in the state lottery and I want to
open a fuckin' savings account!"
Mgr: "I see. And has this cunt been giving you any trouble?"
%
This guy was screwing his neighbors wife when a car pulls into the drive.
"My husband!" she screams. He panics and jumps out the window. He finds
himself on the street, naked, under cloudy skies. There is no place to hide
except in a crowd of joggers. As he runs along, a woman looks over and says,
"Do you always jog in the nude?"
"Yes ma'am!" he replies.
"Does it always result in that kind of sexual excitement?" she asks.
"Yes ma'am!" he replies.
"Do you always wear a condom?"
"Only when it rains, lady. Only when it rains."
%
This here's the wattle
The emblem of our land
You can stick it in a bottle
Or you can hold it in your hand.
-- Monty Python
%
This hot and dusty cowboy rode in from the mesa, filthy and exhausted. He
obviously had had nothing but his horse for company for a couple of weeks
and was looking forward to a couple of cold beers in the saloon. Swinging
off his horse and hitching it to the rail, the cowboy gave his horse an
affectionate slap on the neck. Then he astonished an old cowhand lounging
on the porch by moving around to the horse's hindquarters, lifting up its
tail and planting a demure kiss on its asshole.
"What'd you do that for?" asked the cowhand, completely repulsed.
"Chapped lips," said the cowboy, heading for the saloon doors.
"Wait a minute," said the old guy. "Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?"
"Keeps ya from lickin' 'em," explained the cowboy.
%
This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system.
If this had been an actual emergency, you would have known it!
%
This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
%
This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you.
So I'll put in "di-dah" for the filthy words.
Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
Di-dah di-dah di-dah?
Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
%
This story concerns a man who, after putting his son to bed each night, would
stand by his boy's door and listen to his son saying his prayers. One night,
the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Granddad, who won't be
with us much longer." The man thought this was rather curious, but passed it
off as childish whimsy. The next day, however, he received a call from his
mother, informing him that his father had passed away early that morning.
During the next few weeks, he listened particularly closely to his son's
prayers, but noticed nothing unusual. Then, one night, the boy ended his
prayers with, "God specially bless Grandmom, who won't be with us much longer."
Although the shock of the original incident had worn off during the intervening
weeks, he nonetheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health. He went to
bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the
news that their mother had died suddenly in the night. The father had a series
of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered. About a month
later, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Daddy, who won't
be with us much longer." The man was panic-stricken, certain that he was
going to die during the night. He resolved to stay awake all night; if awake
and alert he should be able to prevent any tragedy. Morning came. Breathing
a huge sigh of relief, he went to get the paper off the porch. There, lying
dead on the doorstep, was the milkman.
%
This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore.
%
This time it's for love; next time it's $100.00.
%
THORNY:
A thailor at thea.
%
Thou shalt not omit adultery.
%
Thought:
Girls get minks the same way minks get minks!
%
Three fine Irish lads, O'Rourke, O'Malley and O'Donnell, worked together at
the local brewery. One day, as fate would have it, O'Rourke fell into one
of the beer vats and drowned. O'Malley and O'Donnell, completely crestfallen,
had to break the news to his wife.
They went 'round the Widow O'Rourke's house and informed her that her
poor dear Patrick had drowned in a beer vat that very day. Choking back her
tears, she asked them "Tell me now, did me poor Patty suffer much?"
"I don't think so," replied O'Donnell. "He climbed out twice to take
a piss."
%
Three gay guys were discussing what they thought their favorite sport would
be. The first decides on football, 'cause of all those gorgeous guys bending
over in their tight pants.
"Definitely wrestling," sighs the second guy. "Those skimpy little
costumes, and think of the holds."
"Definitely baseball," says the third guy. "Why? Well, I'd be
pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a savage one-hopper
right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys
rounded the bases. Meanwhile, the crowd would be going crazy, screaming,
`Throw the ball, you cocksucker!' and that's what I like -- recognition!"
%
Three minutes of serious sex and I need eight hours of sleep and
a bowl of Wheaties.
-- Richard Pryor
%
Three things have been difficult to tame: The oceans, fools,
and women. We may soon be able to tame the ocean. Fools and
women will take a little longer.
-- Spiro Agnew
%
Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains,
however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except
for Laurie's. Laurie never seems to have her laundry out when it rains.
So, one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes
on the line when one of the women says to Laurie, "Laurie, how come when it
never rains when you have your laundry out?"
"Well," replies Laurie, "when I wake up in the morning, I check out
my husband Paul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's
going to be a great day. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know
it might rain. I don't know why it works, but he's never been wrong!"
"Laurie, what if he has an erection?" asks the other woman.
"Honey, on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry."
%
Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the
better universities. During a lecture the professor stated that he was
going to test their ability at situation reasoning.
"Let us assume," said the prof, "that you are aboard a small craft
alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several
sex-starved sailors on board. What would you do in this situation to avoid
the problem?"
"I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction and
flee," said the first girl.
"I would pass them, and hope that I could fend them off," responded
the second woman.
"Frankly," murmured the third woman, "I understand the situation,
but I fail to see the problem."
%
three-bag ugly, adj:
That's when you put one bag over her head, one bag over your
head in case her's falls off, and one over the dog's to keep
it from howling.
four-bag ugly, adj:
When you leave a bag by the door in case someone drops by.
%
Through a major bureaucratic error, you are made county coroner.
You seriously consider the job because it gives you:
1: Lots of unclaimed wedding rings and watches.
2: Lots of gold fillings and bridges.
3: Free blood.
4: A constantly changing array of new friends who aren't at
all stuffy about what happens to their genitalia.
%
Tim and I a hunting went
We found three damsels in a tent,
As they were three, and we were two,
I bucked one and Timbuktu.
-- the only known poem using the word "Timbuktu"
%
'Tis the dream of each programmer,
Before his life is done,
To write three lines of APL,
And make the damn things run.
%
To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
%
To be the kind of girl designed to be kissed between the thighs.
%
To win a woman in the first place one must please her, then undress her, and
then somehow get her clothes back on her. Finally, so she will allow you
to leave her, you've got to annoy her.
-- Jean Giraudoux, "Amphitryon 38"
%
Today is gonna be one helluva week!
%
Todays title:
Creative Violence in Sexual Relationships
%
Tonight's piss is tomorrow's Tang.
-- An American astronaut
%
tourist, n:
A pretty girl in Oklahoma.
%
Tourist to New Yorker:
"Pardon me, sir, do you know what time it is, or should I
just go fuck myself?"
%
transvestite, n:
Someone who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
%
Tri Delts; everyone else has.
%
TRUST:
Two cannibals having oral sex.
%
trust me:
Los Angeles for "Fuck you, your mother, and the horse
she rode in on."
%
T-shirt of the Day:
Head for the Mountains
-- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beer
Followup T-shirt of the Day (on the same scenic background):
If you liked the mountains, head for the Busch!
-- courtesy someone else
%
T-shirt of the Day:
See Dick Drink...
See Dick Drive...
See Dick Die.
DON'T BE A DICK.
%
T-shirt of the Week:
I'm not excited, I'm cold!
%
'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
Did groove and trip out at the pad: "Beware the Radcliff girl, my son!
All whimsy were the slamming chicks, The looks that mell, the claws that
And the Radcliffe undergrad. catch!
Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun
He took his venerable staff in hand: The uppity Wellesleysnatch!"
Long time the cool young stuff he
sought -- And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
So rested he among the spree The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
And paused to smoke some pot. Crept past the hippies getting balled
And doffed her miniskirt.
One, two! One, two! And through
and through "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
The venerable staff went snicker-snack! Come to my arms, my horny boy!
He left her bred, sans maidenhead, O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!"
And went galumphing back. He cackled in his joy.
'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
Did groove and trip out at the pad:
All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
And the Radcliffe undergrad.
%
Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but
twenty years of marriage make her something like a public building.
-- Wilde
%
Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time.
The Italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other
side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold
watch.
The next day, in school, the two boys are showing each other what
they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and
so they trade.
That night, the Italian boy is at home and his father sees him
looking at his new watch. "Where did you getta thatta watch?" he asks.
The boy explains the trade, and the father blows his top. "Whatta
you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you!"
"Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day
you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta
you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, `How longa you gonna be?'"
%
Two gentlemen met at the club after a long absence and talked.
"Did you hear about Chumley?", one asked.
"No, old man, what about him?"
"Last seen in Africa, you know."
"No, I didn't."
"Yes. Appalling. Ran off with a gorilla. Fallen in love."
"Queer."
"Not Chumley. Female gorilla."
%
Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them
whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what seemed
like hours.
"I'll ask if we can play through," Bill said as he strode toward
the women. Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel
and went back to where his companion was waiting.
"Can't do it," he explained, sheepishly. "One of them's my wife
and the other's my mistress!"
"I'll ask," said Jim. He started off, only to turn and come back
before reaching the green.
"What's wrong?" Bill asked.
"Small world, isn't it?"
%
Two men and a woman were stranded on a desert island -
Two weeks later, the woman was so ashamed of what she
had been doing, she committed suicide.
Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they
had been doing, they buried her.
Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they
had been doing, they dug her back up.
%
Two men, both close to retirement, are working on the assembly line. One
boasts to the other, "Last night I made love to my wife *three* times!"
"Three times!", replies his friend. "How did you do it?"
"Well," says the first man, "I made love to my wife and set the
alarm clock for two hours later. When it went off we made love again.
Then, I reset it for the morning and we made love once more before I came
to work. I feel like a bull!"
His friend says, "Well, that *is* fantastic! I'm going to have
to give it a try." So, he goes home that night and makes love to his
wife. Figuring he doesn't need to set the alarm clock, he settles off
to sleep. Waking up a few hours later, he nudges his wife and they make love
again. Waking up in the morning he makes love to his wife for the third
time. Looking over at the clock he realizes that he's twenty minutes late
for work. He throws on his clothes and runs down to the subway. When
he gets to the factory his boss is standing there waiting.
"Frank", he says, "I've been working for you for 18 years, and I've
never been late before. You've got to forgive me twenty minutes this once!"
"Well," replies his boss, "okay, but it's not the twenty minutes
that had me worried. Where were you Tuesday, where were you Wednesday..."
%
Two men were standing around talking while nearby a large German Shepherd
lay licking his balls. One man says to the other, "Damn, I wish I could
do that."
The other man replies, "Well, it's okay by me, but I think you
ought to get to know him a little first."
%
Two midgets arrived at the convent door and asked to speak with the Mother
Superior. Led into her office, the first one asked respectfully "Excuse
me, your holiness, but are there any midget nuns in this convent?"
Receiving a reply to the negative, he asked whether any midget
nuns were to be found in any of the neighboring parish. Again the reply
was no.
The tiny man scratched his head and posed a final question. "Beggin'
your pardon, Mother Superior, but would you know of *any* midget nuns at
all, anywhere?" The nun shook her head.
At which the first midget turned to the second midget, put his hand
on his shoulder, and said, "You see, I told you you fucked a penguin!"
%
Two nuns, a mother superior and a new nun, are walking home one night from
church when they are attacked by two vicious rapists. The two men drag the
nuns off into the bushes and proceed to have their way with them. The mother
superior is very afraid, but she knows that God will protect her. To show her
strength and trust in God she yells out "Forgive him Father, for he knows not
what he does!"
To which the young nun replies "Oooooh, mine does!!"
%
Two old men are walking down the boardwalk when one of them tells the other
that he has to leave, his wife is expecting him to come home and make love
with her.
The other man is astonished. "Make love to your wife? You're as old
as I am! Nearly eighty years old! What do you mean you have to go home and
make love to your wife?"
The first man smiles and says, "We have a *great* sex life. We make
love every day."
"You're kidding!" says his friend. "How do you do it?"
"Pumpernickel bread. That's the secret." And he dashes off home.
The other man starts to walk home. "Hmmm," he thinks to himself
pumpernickel bread. Well, it's worth a try." So he goes into a nearby
bakery.
Going up to the woman at the counter, he asks for their entire stock
of pumpernickel bread. The woman stares at him in astonishment. "You want
all the pumpernickel bread we have? Are you sure? Don't you know that it
will get hard?"
"How come," demands the man, "everybody knows about this but me?"
%
Two Peace Corp. doctors who had just returned to a stateside hospital
were in front of the main desk in the midst of a heated argument that
went along these lines:
(1st doctor) "No, no, no! It's 'waaaahmmmb'"
(2nd doctor) "No you're wrong! It's 'woooooommmb'"
and this continued for quite sometime.
Finally a nurse stepped in and said: "The correct pronunciation is
'womb'" and trotted off.
(1st doctor) "That shows you what she knows."
(2nd doctor) "Yeah. I bet she's never even SEEN a hippopotamus,
let alone heard one fart underwater."
%
Two pirates are sitting in a seaside tavern, talking. One of them has a
hook instead of a hand, and an eye patch. The other pirate has a wooden
leg. Over a few beers, they start to tell each other how they received their
injuries.
"One day," says the first pirate, "we had pulled alongside a merchant
vessel and were boarding her. I had my sword drawn when suddenly a man with
a saber caught me by surprise and cut my hand off. So I had this hook put
on. How did you lose your leg?"
"From a broadside of grapeshot from an English military vessel, in a
terrific battle off the coast of France. And how about your eye?"
"Well, I don't really like to talk about it," said the first pirate.
"Come on," says the second pirate. "It doesn't matter after all
these years, does it?"
"Oh, okay," says the first pirate. "See, it's pretty embarrassing;
a seagull shit in my eye."
"A seagull!? I can see how that would hurt, but I don't see why
you would *lose* the eye..."
"But," the first pirate says, "it was my first day with the hook."
%
Two recent emigrants to the United States, on their first day off the boat
in New York City, spied a hotdog vendor. "Do they eat dogs in America?"
one asked his companion.
"I don't know."
"Well, if we're going to live in America, we have to learn to eat
American foods."
So they each bought a wax paper wrapped hotdog and sat down to eat
them on a nearby park bench. One man looked inside his wax paper, then over
at the other man, and asked, "So, what part did you get?"
%
Two women are talking; one says to the other, "Say, weren't you dating that
cute French horn player? What ever happened to him?"
"Well," replies her friend, we're still seeing each other, but,
I must admit, we've had some problems."
"Problems? What's wrong?"
"You see," says the second woman, "every time he kisses me, he
wants to shove his fist up my ass."
%
Two young men seated in a restaurant were watching a customer busily
disposing of a plate of oysters on the half shell. One of the young
men remarked to his friend,
"Did you ever hear that business about raw oysters being
good for a man's virility?"
"Yes, why?" the friend replied.
"Well, take it from me, that's a lot of foolishness. I ate a
dozen of them the other night, and only nine worked."
%
Uncle Sam comes off as the perverted relative who'll offer you a
bit of candy, but if you won't bend over for him, you get a beating.
%
Unfair animal names:
-- tsetse fly -- bullhead
-- booby -- duck-billed platypus
-- sapsucker -- Clarence
-- Gary Larson
%
Unitarians pray "To whom it may concern".
%
Unix programmers do it with pipes.
%
Upon leaving a hotel bar one evening, an executive noticed a drunk sitting
on the edge of a potted palm in the lobby, crying like a baby. Because he'd
had a couple himself that night, and was feeling rather sorry for his fellow
man, he asked the inebriated one what the trouble was.
"I did a terrible thing tonight," sniffled the drunk. "I sold my
wife to a guy for a bottle of Scotch."
"That is terrible," said the man, too much under the weather to
muster any real indignation. "And now that she's gone, you wish you had her
back."
"Thas right," said the drunk, still sniffling.
"You're sorry you sold her, because you realize too late that you
love her," sympathized the executive.
"No, no," said the drunk. "I wish I had her back because I'm
thirsty again."
%
U.S. of A.:
"Don't speak to the bus driver."
Germany:
"It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver."
England:
"You are requested to refrain from speaking to the driver."
Scotland:
"What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?"
Italy:
"Don't answer the driver."
%
Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:
AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN.
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down
on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH QEH GOFTEH BANDE.
I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
%
Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:
AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST.
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to
travel in the trunk of your car.
FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO
GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHVAREHMAN.
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital
appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my
country in public.
KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMRIKAHEY.
I will tell you the names and addresses of
many American spies traveling as reporters.
%
Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:
MAMNOUNAN GHORBAN IN DAFAYEH MEEMUNAM.
It is with greatest pleasure that I sign
this confession of capital crimes.
MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN.
The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.
The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you.
I must have the recipe.
ETEHFOR'AN, DEHRATEE, OTAGEH SHOMA MIKRASTAM KHE
DO HAFTAEH BA BODANEH SHEEREEL TEEGZ.
Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed
self than spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs.
%
USENET is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea --
massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and
a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least
expect it.
-- Gene Spafford
%
User friendly software searching for friendly Hardware to interface with.
Hardware may present itself in floppy format as software has capability to
upgrading same to full size firm. Size is not all that important; but byte
sized bandwidth required -- header width is of more concern. Joystick should
be able to toggle in different speeds and for some duration. Software is
looking for system willing to perform intensive manipulation of keyboard as
well as preparing the mainframe and disk drives. Fingering of all files
permitted, and encouraged, before thrusting joystick into drive. Software
is programmed not to copy; there is no need for removing joystick before
completed execution of program. Program may be run several times per day...
especially if special features and options are utilized.
%
vagina, n:
The box a penis comes in.
%
vaginal lubricant, n:
A slitty slicker.
%
Vandalism On The Upswing!
Last night, windows were broken and graffiti was sprayed over the
front of the local sex shop, Le Sex Boutique, causing several hundred
dollars in damage. In a later anonymous phone call, the provisional
wing of the Salvation Army claimed responsibility.
%
Vatican upholds ban on contraceptives: "To heir is humane," claims the Pope.
%
Vd, n:
The gift that keeps on giving.
%
Very few modern women either like or desire marriage, especially after the
ceremony has been performed. Primarily women wish attention and affection.
Matrimony is something they accept when there is no alternative. Really,
it is a waste of time, and hazardous, to marry them. It leaves one open
to a rival. Husbands, good or bad, always have rivals. Lovers, never.
-- Helen Lawrenson, "Esquire"
%
Vidi, vici, veni.
(I saw, I conquered, I came.)
%
Viennese Oyster: Lady who can cross her feet behind her head, lying on her
back, of course. When she has done so, you hold her tightly round each instep
with your full hand and squeeze, lying on her full-length. Don't try to put
an unsupple partner into this position -- it can't be achieved by brute force.
You can get a very similar sensation -- unique rocking pelvic movement -- with
less expertise if she crosses her ankles on her tummy, knees to shoulders, and
you lie on her crossed ankles with your full weight. Why "Viennese" we don't
know. Tolerable for short periods only but gives tremendous genital pressure
for both.
-- The Joy of Sex
%
virgin, n:
An ugly third grader.
%
Virginity is a bubble on the sea of life,
which takes but one prick to break.
-- Jordan Sand
%
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sep. 22)
Get it in writing. Be careful. You are surrounded by lechers and
assholes; birds of a feather flock together. Trust no one. People
will not be offended, because they've come to recognize you for the
paranoid neurotic that you are. Your dentures are loose.
%
Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a
divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."
What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge
in unusual sex practices?"
"No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little
queer."
%
VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
%
W. Lafayette may not be the asshole of the universe...
but you sure as hell can see it from there!
%
Waldheimers disease is what you have when you can't remember you were a Nazi.
%
War is menstruation envy.
%
Was it you that did the pushin',
Left the stains upon the cushion,
The footprints on the dashboard upside-down?
Was it you, you little pecker,
That got into my Rebecca,
If you did, you'd better leave this town!
Yes, 'twas I that did the pushin',
Left the stains upon the cushion,
Footprints on the dashboard upside-down.
But since I stuck your daughter,
I've had trouble passin' water,
So I guess we're kind of even all around!
%
wasp, n:
Someone who gets out of the shower to take a piss.
%
Watch out for a cold wave this week. (Or maybe a warm WAC.)
%
Watching girls go passing by
It ain't the latest thing
I'm just standing in a doorway
I'm just trying to make some sense
Out of these girls passing by A smile relieves the heart that grieves
The tales they tell of men Remember what I said
I'm not waiting on a lady I'm not waiting on a lady
I'm just waiting on a friend I'm just waiting on a friend
...
Don't need a whore
Don't need no booze
Don't need a virgin priest Ooh, making love and breaking hearts
But I need someone I can cry to It is a game for youth
I need someone to protect But I'm not waiting on a lady
I'm just waiting on a friend
I'm just waiting on a friend
-- Rolling Stones, "Waiting on a Friend"
%
Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it.
-- W.C. Fields
%
We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual. We do everything
we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain
inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and
when he dies we give him a special hole in the ground ... But after all, he's
only a seed, a bloom and a withering stalk among pressing billions. Your
Individual is a pretty disgusting, vain, lewd little bastard ... By God,
he has only one right guaranteed him in Nature, and that is the right to die
and stink to Heaven.
-- Ross Lockridge, quoted in "Short Lives" by Katinka Matson
%
We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb
your cities.
-- Robin Williams
%
We are upping our standards ... so up yours.
-- Pat Paulsen for President
%
We aren't what we eat. We are what we don't shit.
-- Hugh Romney
%
We boggies are a hairy folk Ever hungry, ever thirsting,
Who like to eat until we choke. Never stop till belly's bursting.
Loving all like friend and brother, Chewing chop and pork and muttons,
And hardly ever eat each other. A merry race of boring gluttons.
Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE.
Boggies gather 'round the table, Anything edible, we've got dibs on,
Eat as much as you are able. And hope we all die with our bibs on.
Gorge yourselves from moon till noon Ever gay, we'll never grow up,
(Don't forget your plate and spoon.) Come! And sing and play and throw-up!
Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE!
-- Bored of the Rings, "The Hobbits National Anthem"
%
We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
%
We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!
-- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
%
We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
-- James Watt, noted ecologist
%
We drove to the hotel and said goodbye. How hypocritical to go upstairs
with a man you don't want to fuck, leave the one you do sitting there alone,
and then, in a state of great excitement, fuck the one you don't want to
fuck while pretending he's the one you do. That's called fidelity. That's
called civilization and its discontents.
-- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
%
We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free
his hands for masturbation.
-- Lily Tomlin
%
We must! We must!
We must increase our bust!
The bigger the better!
The tighter the sweater!
And the boys will think more of us!
%
We took some pictures of the girls, but they weren't developed.
-- Groucho Marx
%
We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids,
Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods,
I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids,
And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me!
(chorus) (chorus)
In the church of Aphrodite,
The priestess wears a see through nightie,
She's a mighty righteous sightie,
And she's good enough for me!
(chorus)
CHORUS: Give me that old time religion,
Give me that old time religion,
Give me that old time religion,
'Cause it's good enough for me!
%
Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends!
We're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside!
There behind the glass there's a real blade of grass,
Be careful as you pass, move along, move along.
Come inside, the show's about to start,
Guaranteed to blow your head apart.
Rest assured, you'll get your money's worth,
Greatest show, in heaven, hell or earth!
You gotta see the show! It's a dynamo!
You gotta see the show! It's rock 'n' roll!
-- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2)
%
Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!!
Ms. Kat****** Bl****an is the mistress of a well-known
banker in Houston, Texas. That's $5000, please, to stop
us from revealing both of your names, Mr. L*****, so that
your wife Doreen, and your lovely children Diane, Janice
and Tom need never know the name of your mistress. You
have two days to reach us at:
Fortune Blackmail
Behind the hot water pipes,
Third stall from the end,
Greyhound Bus Terminal, Fayette MO.
%
Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!!
This is the first of a series of revelations which could
add up to a divorce, premature retirement and possible
criminal proceedings for a company vice-president in Langley Virginia.
So, Mr. S*****, $10,000 please to stop us from revealing:
1: Whose shoulders you were sitting on.
2: What you were doing.
3: The names of the three people involved.
4: The youth organization to which they belonged.
5: The shop where you bought the equipment.
%
Well, actually, I don't mind going to weddings or anything, as long as they're
not my own, I show up, but uh, I've always kinda been partial to callin' myself
up on the phone, asking myself out, y'know, yeah, one thing about it, you're
always around. Yeah, I know, yeah, you ask yourself out, y'know, some class
joint somewhere, the Burrito King, or somethin', y'know, well, I ain't cheap
y'know. Take yourself out for a coupla drinks, mebbe, then you eat, some
provocative conversation on the way home, and uh, park in front of the house,
y'know, and you, oh yeah, you smoo with yourself, put a little nice music on,
mebbe you put on like, uh, y'know, like shoppin' music, something that's not
too interruptive, y'know, and then uh, y'know, slide over real nice, and say,
"Oh, I think you have something in your eye", well, maybe it's not that
romantic with you, but I don't, y'know, I get into it, y'know, I take myself
up to the porch, and uh, take myself inside, maybe, oh, I might get a little
something in a brandy snifter, "Would you like to listen to some of my back
records, I got something here...", well, usually, about two-thirty in the
morning, you've ended up takin' advantage of yourself, and there ain't no way
around that, y'know, yeah, makin' the scene with a magazine, ain't no way
around it. I'll confess, y'know, I'm no different, y'know, I'm not weird
about it or anything, I don't tie myself up first, I just, I just kinda
spend a little time with myself.
-- Tom Waits, "Nighthawks at the Diner"
%
Well, God gave me a bust. What am I supposed to do with it?
-- Martha Mitchell
%
Well, he went down to dinner in his Sunday best,
Excitable boy, they all said!
And he rubbed the pot roast all over his chest,
Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)
He took in the 4am show at the Clark,
Excitable boy, they all said!
And he bit the usherette's leg in the dark,
Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)
He took little Susie to the junior prom,
Excitable boy, they all said!
And he raped her and killed her, then he took her home,
Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy!)
After ten long years they let him out of the home,
Excitable boy, they all said!
And he dug up her grave and built a cage with her bones,
Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)
-- Warren Zevon, "Excitable Boy"
%
Well, I don't know where they come from but they sure do come,
I hope they comin' for me!
And I don't know how they do it but they sure do it good,
I hope they doin' it for free!
They give me cat scratch fever... cat scratch fever!
First time that I got it I was just ten years old,
Got it from the kitty next door...
I went to see the doctor and he gave me the cure,
I think I got it some more!
Got a bad scratch fever...
-- Ted Nugent, "Cat Scratch Fever"
%
Well, I went to a party, and what did they do?
They took off their socks and they took off their shoes.
They took off their shirts, and they took off their pants,
I had a hunch, we weren't gonna dance.
Everybody, everybody's ass was bare,
No bras left, just a queer over there.
But the whole damn thing didn't faze me a bit;
I just jumped on the pile and grabbed some tit.
My baby's not a sports fan,
But she plays with balls whenever she can.
'Cause her favorite sport you see,
Is playing tonsil hockey.
[chorus]
Eat, bite, fuck, suck, gobble, nibble, chew;
Nipple, bosom, hair pie, finger fuck, screw.
Moose piss, cat pud, orangutan tit;
Sheep pussy, camel crack, pig-lie-in-shit.
-- Doctor Dirty, "The Eat-Bite Song"
%
Well, I'd left home just a week before,
And I'd never ever kissed a woman before,
But Lola smiled and took me by the hand,
And said 'Little boy, gonna make you a man!'
Well, I'm not the world's most masculine man,
But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man and so's Lola.
La, la, la, la-Lola... la, la, la, la-Lola... Lola.
-- The Kinks
%
Well, it seems that there was this traveling saleswoman whose car broke
down, late at night, in the middle of a torrential downpour. Hoping to
find a phone she ran to a nearby farmhouse. When she was unable to find
a garage still open, the farmer told her that, while they were short of
beds, she could sleep with his daughter. The daughter proved to eighteen
and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly afterward, the saleswoman
rolled over toward the daughter and said, "Dear, I'm sure that you're aware
that some women like... to be with... other women. Let me be frank..."
"No!" interrupted the daughter, sternly. "This time *I* want to
be Frank!"
%
"Well, madam," the bishop declared,
While the vicar just mumbled and stared,
"'Twere better, perhaps,
In the crypt or the apse,
Because sex in the nave must be shared."
%
Well, now that SUN's in bed with AT&T, I sure hope she sleeps with her
back to the wall.
-- Guy Harris, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems
Eat shit and die. Strong memo to follow.
-- Mike O'Dell, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems
%
Well, see, I was out with this chick last night, and we were in bed, and
she groaned to me, "Give me nine inches, and make it hurt!" So, I fucked
her twice and slapped her.
%
Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had
my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely
you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
%
Well, you almost got it right. The only problem is, you're doing it exactly
backwards! Just reverse the motions you described and your partner will
experience an incredibly intense orgasm. One trouble with this technique,
though, is that it works so well. Believe me, word will get around about
your newfound prowess and you'll be inundated by prospective sexual partners.
So try to be discreet. I prefer maple syrup to pineapple/apricot lotion, but
that's a matter of personal preference. Also, I'd advise against the syrup,
or using honey, if you're outside, because the insects it attracts tend to
distract the quail. You can substitute crazy glue (but obviously not thumb
tacks!) for the masking tape, but only if you don't want to use the piano for
awhile.
%
Well, you got your mules and you got your racehorses, and you can kick
a mule in the ass all you want, and he's still not gonna be a racehorse.
-- Billy Martin, "Esquire", May, 1984
%
Well, you see, it's such a transitional creature. It's a piss-poor reptile
and not very much of a bird.
-- Melvin Konner, from "The Tangled Wing", quoting a
zoologist who has studied the Archaeopteryx and found it
"very much like people".
%
Well, you see there was this neighborhood that had a priest, a minister, and
a rabbi who lived near each other. One summer afternoon the priest went out
and bought himself a new car, and the minister and rabbi, not to be outdone,
did the same.
The next day the priest went out and blessed his car. The minister
hired a crane and baptized his car in a swimming pool. The rabbi, after
thinking seriously for a bit, got a hacksaw and cut three inches off the end
of the tail pipe.
%
We're all looking for a woman who can sit in a mini-skirt and talk
philosophy, executing both with confidence and style.
%
Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as happy in the arms
of a chambermaid as a duchess.
-- Dr. Johnson
%
wet dream, n:
Overnight sensation.
%
We've all heard about the woman who married a Field Service engineer but
divorced him after one day because he'd done nothing on their wedding night
but promise to have it up in 15 minutes. What few people realize is that the
poor man was in the bathroom all night, masturbating furiously, muttering
"I just don't understand, it passes all the diagnostics!"
%
"We've got things well in hand."
-- Master Byte Software, Los Gatos California.
%
We've just received the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the
various reasons men get out of bed in the middle of the night. According
to the report, 2% are motivated by a desire to visit the bathroom, and
3% have an urge to raid the refrigerator. The other 95% get up to go home.
%
What a man enjoys most about a woman's clothes are his fantasies of how
she would look without them.
-- Brendan Francis
%
What creatures of habit we are. This morning, without thinking, half asleep,
I put $100 on my pillow. That's not so bad, no one would worry about it, but
my wife, half asleep, without thinking, gave me $20 change.
%
What did Snow white say when told she was pregnant?
"I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible..."
Presumably this all started that evening when she was feeling Happy...
%
What do hookers do on their nights off, type?
-- Elayn Boosler
%
What do you call someone with herpes, AIDS, syphilis, and gonorrhea?
An incurable romantic.
%
What is a promiscuous person -- it's usually someone who is getting more
sex than you are.
-- Victor Lownes, quoted in "In and Out: Debrett 1980-81",
by N. Mackwood
%
What the fuck, over?
%
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
%
What this department needs is a really good inflatable doll.
%
What with chromodynamics and electroweak too
Our Standardized Model should please even you,
Tho' once you did say that of charm there was none
It took courage to switch as to say Earth moves not Sun.
Yet your state of the union penultimate large
Is the last known haunt of the Fractional Charge,
And as you surf in the hot tub with sourdough roll
Please ponder the passing of your sole Monopole.
Your Olympics were fun, you should bring them all back
For transsexual tennis or Anamalon Track,
But Hollywood movies remain sinfully crude
Whether seen on the telly or Remotely Viewed.
Now fasten your sunbelts, for you've done it once more,
You said it in Leipzig of the thing we adore,
That you've built an incredible crystalline sphere
Whose German attendants spread trembling and fear
Of the death of our theory by Particle Zeta
Which I'll bet is not there say your article, later.
-- Sheldon Glashow, Physics Today, December, 1984
%
What you mean, how old am I? About one hundred! But Viennese answer is
better: we say, "I keep passing the open windows." This is an old joke.
There was a street clown called King of the Mice: he trained rodents, he
did horoscopes, he could impersonate Napoleon, he could make dogs fart
on command. One night he jumped out his window with all his pets in a box.
Written on the box was this: "Life is serious, but art is fun!" I hear his
funeral was a party. A street artist had killed himself. Nobody had
supported him but now everybody missed him. Now who would make the dogs
make music and the mice pant? The bear knows this, too: it is hard work
and great art to make life not so serious.
-- John Irving "The Hotel New Hampshire"
%
Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stay.
%
What's on the floor of the old hen-house?
Doo-doo, doo-doo.
-- Foghorn Leghorn, to "Camptown Ladies"
%
What's the worst thing about being an atheist?
No one to talk to when you're having an orgasm.
%
When a girl admits she's had a checkered career, it's your move.
%
When a man grows old and his balls
grow cold, So find me a seat and stand me a drink
And the end of his knob turns blue; And a tale to you I'll tell
When it's bent in the middle like a Of Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
one-string fiddle, And the gentle Eskimo Nell.
He can tell a tale or two.
When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Go out in search of fun, And when Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
It's usually Dick who wields the prick Are sore, depressed, and mad,
And Mexican Pete the gun. 'Tis the cunt that bears the brunt
So the shooting ain't so bad.
There was rarely a day without a lay
And usually two or three Now Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
For Dead-eye Dick, his kingly prick Had been hunting in Deadman's creek.
Was always like a tree. And they'd had no luck in the way of
a fuck
Just a moose or two and a caribou, For nigh on half a week.
And a bison cow or so;
And for Dead-eye Dick with his kingly prick
This fucking was mighty slow.
-- The Ballad of Eskimo Nell
%
When better women are made, computer programmers will make them.
%
When ev'rybody's tryin' to sleep,
I'm somewhere makin' my midnight creep. Chorus:
In the mornin' the rooster crow, I am a back door man,
Somethin' tells me I got to go. I am a back door man,
Well, the men don't know,
They take me to the doctor, But the little girls understand.
shot full of holes,
Nurse try to save a soul.
Killed her for murder first degree,
Judge what tried let the man go free.
Stand up, cop's wife cried, don't take him down,
Rather be dead six feet in the ground.
When you come home, you can eat pork and beans,
I eats more chicken than any man's seen.
-- Willie Dixon, "Backdoor Man", 1961
%
When he tried to inject his huge whanger
A young man aroused his girl's anger.
As they strove in the dark
She was heard to remark,
"What you need is a zeppelin hanger."
%
When his company fell on hard times, the boss realized that he'd have to
lay off one of his two middle managers. As both Jack and Liz were equally
honest and dedicated to their jobs, he was unable to decide which one to
fire. To resolve his dilemma, the boss arbitrarily decided that the first
to leave his or her desk the next morning would be the one to get the ax.
The next morning found Liz at her desk, rubbing her temples. Asking
Jack for some aspirin, she headed for the water fountain and that's where
the boss caught up with her. "I've got some bad news for you, Liz," he said.
"I've got to lay you or Jack off."
"Jack off," she snapped. "I have a headache."
%
When I need something
To help me unwind
I find a six-foot baby What kind of guy
With a one-track mind Does a lot for me
Smart guys are nowhere Superman
They make demands With a lobotomy
Give me a moron My father's out of Harvard
With talented hands My brother's out of Yale
I go bar-hopping Well the guy I took home last night
And they say "Last call" Just got out of jail
I start shopping The way he grabbed and threw me
For a Neanderthal Oooo, it really got me hot
But the way he growled and bit me
The bigger they come I hoped he had his shots
The harder I fall
In love till we're done The bigger they are
Then they're out in the hall The harder they'll work
I got a soft spot
For a good-looking jerk
-- Julie Brown, "I Like 'Em Big and Stupid"
%
When I was eight years old I came home with tears in my eyes because some
kids had stolen my sandwich. My father handed me an ice pick, and said,
"Next time, hit 'em first and hit 'em hard."
-- Jake LaMotta
You can't go into the ring and be a nice guy. I would go a month, two
months, without having sex. It worked for me because it made me a
vicious animal. You can't fight if you have any compassion or anything
like that.
-- Jake LaMotta
%
When in calling, plain speaking is out;
When the ladies (God bless 'em) are milling about,
You may wet, make water, or empty the glass;
You can powder your nose, or the "johnny" will pass.
It's a drain for the lily, or man about dog
When everyone's drunk, it's condensing the fog;
But sure as the devil, that word with a hiss
It's only in Shakespeare that characters ____.
-- Ogden Nash
%
When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by
a dog's rule of life: If you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!
%
When Snow White turns on with the dwarfs she probably winds up feeling Dopey.
%
When somebody protested at [Pope Alexander VI's] wholesale distribution of
pardons for the most heinous crimes -- one of which included the murder of
a daughter by the father -- he retorted easily, "It is not God's will that
a sinner should die, but that he should live -- and pay."
-- E.R. Chamberlin, "The Bad Popes"
Judas sold Christ for 30 denari, this man [Pope Alexander VI] would sell
him for 29.
-- Ottaviano Ubaldini, chamberlain to Pope Alexander VI
%
When the candles are out all women are fair.
-- Plutarch
%
When the naive young lady asked the clerk in Le Sex Shoppe to show her his
selection of vibrators, he brought out the two most popular ones.
"The basic white plastic one here is twenty dollars," the clerk said.
"The flesh-toned rubber models are thirty."
"I'm just not sure," the woman said, Then she noticed an eye-catching
item on the back shelf. "How much is that plaid one over there?
"Uh, well, that's a pretty special one," said the clerk. "I couldn't
sell you that one for less than a hundred."
"I'll take it."
Later that day, the store owner checked in to see how business was
going. "Great," the clerk told him. "This morning, I sold four white
vibrators and three flesh-toned ones. And, this afternoon, I got a hundred
bucks for my Thermos."
%
When the prick stands up, the brains get buried in the ground.
-- Old Jewish saying
[How come there aren't ever any "New Jewish sayings?" Ed.]
%
When the shit hits the fan, keep your mouth shut!
%
When they tell me to stick it where
the sun don't shine, I put it in Oregon.
%
When things go wrong as they usually will,
And your daily road seems all uphill,
When funds are low and debts are high,
When you try to smile, but can only cry --
And you really feel you'd like to quit,
Don't talk to me; I don't give a shit.
%
When you and I are far apart
Can sorrow break your tender heart?
I love you darling, yes I do;
Sleep is so sweet when I dream of you;
All you are is a blossoming rose.
Night is here so I must close.
With care read the first word of each line.
You will find a question of mine.
-- Yours hopefully, The VAX.
%
When you're lying on the bed,
And the thought is in your head,
But the feeling is way down between your legs,
Take your problem in your hand,
And beat it to the band,
And try your best to keep it off the walls.
Don't let your lover tell you,
Don't let anybody sell you,
That the joy of masturbation is a crime.
For I've rid myself of fears,
(I've been doing it for years)
And now I have an erection all the time.
%
Whenever someone tells you to "take it like a man" it usually means
up your ass.
%
"Where'd she get those crow's feet? You really want to know?"
"Yeah."
"From squinting and screaming, "Suck what!?"
%
Which of the following doesn't belong?
a. meat
b. eggs
c. drum
d. blowjob.
Answer:
d: A blowjob, because you can beat your meat, your eggs,
or your drum, but you just can't beat a blowjob.
%
While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who
was pretty, chic, and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his
hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, as
will happen, the executive sadly found himself unable to perform.
On his first night home, the executive padded naked from the shower
into the bedroom to find his wife swathed in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair
curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly as she pored through a movie
magazine. And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent
erection.
Looking down at his throbbing member, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful,
mixed-up, son-of-a-bitch! Now I know why they call you a prick!"
%
While farmers generally allow one rooster for ten hens, ten men are
scarcely sufficient to service one woman.
-- Boccaccio
%
While not actually a sailor, I certainly enjoy getting blown ashore.
%
While sitting 'neath an oak one morn
In thought on this and that,
A tiny, twitt'ring little bird "Oh tiny bird, O Nature's gift
A load dropped in my hat. Of music and of wit!
Why didst thou feel that my best hat
"Thy music gladdens my poor soul, Was thy best place to shit?"
And brings joy to my heart.
But tell me, little bird divine, The tiny bird a few notes sang,
Why didst thou not just fart?" Then answer'd "Pardon me,
For thy hat I thought was my nest,
I rose and stood in solemn awe A-fallen from the tree."
His words to better mull,
Then lifted up a paving block
And crushed his fucking skull.
-- Bill Wordsworth, "A Tiny Twitt'ring Bird"
%
While vacationing last summer in the North Woods, a young fellow thought it
might be a good idea to write to his girl. He had brought no stationery with
him, however; so he had to walk into town for some. Entering the one and
only general store, he discovered that the clerk was a young, full-blown farm
girl with languorous eyes.
"Do you keep stationery?" he asked.
"Well," she giggled, "I do until the last few seconds, and then I
just go wild."
%
Whip it, baby.
Whip it right.
Whip it, baby.
Whip it all night!
%
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife left him. But things are looking up for their reconciliation.
Seems that when she left, she took his word processor, and she's been renting
it out occasionally in Japan. That is, every now and then she gets a yen for
his Wang.
%
Why, Good Morning! I'm the bluebird of fellatio!
%
Why I am an atheist:
1. Atheists do not believe in higher powers.
2. God is the highest power.
3. Therefore, God must be an atheist.
4. We should all strive to be like God.
5. We should all be atheists.
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Why is it that there are so many more
horses' asses than there are horses?
-- G. Gordon Liddy
%
Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love?
Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up.
%
Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
then she isn't good enough for you.
%
Why not, for example, offer a brand-new Mustang convertible to every girl
who consents to having her Fallopian tubes tied in a Gordian knot? ... It
would have the additional benefit of eliminating from the gene pool those
stupid enough to consent to such a deal.
-- Edward Abbey
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...why should you waste a single moment of *your* life seeming to be something
you don't want to be? Lord, that's so simple. If you hate your job, quit it.
If your friends are tedious, go out and find new friends. You are queer, you
lucky fool, and that makes you one of life's buccaneers, free from the clutter
of 2000 years of Judeo-Christian sermonizing. Stop feeling sorry for yourself
and start raising your sails. You haven't a moment to lose.
-- Edmund Carlevale
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Willie, looking in the mirror, Willie with the nursery shears
Sucked the mercury off Cut off both the baby's ears.
Thinking in his childish error To the baby so unsightly
It would cure the whooping cough. Mother raised her eyebrows slightly.
At the funeral his weeping mother In the family drinking well
Sadly said to Mrs. Brown, Willie pushed his sister, Nell.
"'Twas a chilly day for Willie She's there still because it killed her,
When the mercury went down." Now, we have to buy a filter.
%
Winning isn't everything, but losing really sucks.
%
With a bushel of apples, you can have
a hell of a time with the doctor's wife.
%
wok, n:
Something to thwow at a wabbit.
%
Woman is: finally screwing and your groin and buttocks and thighs ache like
hell and you're all wet and maybe bloody and it wasn't like a Hollywood
movie at all but Jesus at least you're not a virgin any more but is this
what it's all about? And meanwhile, he's asking "Did you come?"
-- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful"
%
Women -- can't live with 'em, can't leave 'em by the curb when you're done.
%
Women should be obscene and not heard.
%
Women think of being a man as a gift. It is a duty. Even making love can
be a duty. A man has always got to get it up, and love isn't always enough.
-- Norman Mailer
%
Working hard around here is like pissing on yourself in a dark suit;
you get a warm feeling but nobody notices.
%
Working here is like a pregnancy.
After nine months you wish you hadn't come.
%
World War III is about to break out, but hidden somewhere in Switzerland,
a small group of international statesmen are trying to avert disaster.
The key members of this group are the representatives from Moscow, Bonn, and
Jerusalem, who, despite their personal enmity, manage to forge a peaceful
settlement, at the last moment. As the treaty is signed, and the war
postponed, almost entirely through the efforts of those three men, an angel
appears. "The earth is saved through the efforts of these three men!
Therefore, I will grant each of them their heart's desire!"
So, the angel asks the German for his wish, and the German, recalling
the nearness of their disaster, and perceiving the cause to have been the
Russians, immediately says "I wish there were no more Russians!" And God
said, "It will be done."
The angel asks the Russian for his wish, which, of course, is "*I*
wish there were no more Germans!" Replies the angel, "It will be done."
So the angel asks the Jew for his wish. The Jew is in a state of
shock. "Will you really grant the German's wish?" he asks, and the angel
avers. "And the Russian's, too?" The angel avers yet again. Then the Jew
thinks a moment, leans back and says, "In that case, I think I'd like a small
cup of coffee."
%
Would you rather have a 5-inch hard or an 8-inch floppy?
%
Writers do it between periods.
%
"Yeah, I used to be into necrophilia, bestiality and sadism, but then I
realized I was just flogging a dead horse."
%
Yesterday is a memory,
Tomorrow is a vision,
Today is a bitch!
%
You are a tower of strength in the office, but only so-so in bed.
%
You are without a doubt a rogue, a rascal, a villain, a thief, a scoundrel,
and a mean, dirty, stinking, sniveling, sneaking, pimping, pocketpicking,
thrice double-damned, no-good son-of-a-bitch.
%
You are witty, charming, handsome and above average in length.
%
You better believe that marijuana can cause castration.
Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!
%
"You can beat my meat, but you can't lick my sauce!"
-- Boss' Ribs, Portland, Oregon
%
You can find sympathy, in the dictionary, right near shit and suicide.
%
You can get used to living at a nudist camp.
The first three days are the hardest.
-- R. Dreiser
%
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose;
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
%
You come out of a woman and you spend the rest
of your life trying to get back inside.
-- Heathcote Williams
%
You have been bitchy since Tuesday and you'll probably get fired today.
%
You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact. And the Beatles
are the biggest bastards on earth.
-- John Lennon
%
You know the Norplant thing? It's a new birth control device for women.
It's a cartridge, that goes in your arm. Well, they're coming out with
a new one for men: it's a brain, that goes in your head.
%
You know what burns my ass? A flame about three feet high.
%
You might get caught holding the bag. Say she's your sister.
%
You pedophiliac sodomizer of ducklings!!
%
You see that fucking fish?
If he'd kept his mouth shut, he wouldn'ta got caught.
-- Sam Giancana
%
You should be a hemorrhoid, you're such a pain in the ass.
%
You wanna play the dozens,
Well, the dozens is a game,
But the way I fuck your mother is an ass-wringing shame!
-- George Carlin
%
You will always have friends
Some friends will peter out.
But I'll always be your friend,
Peter in or peter out.
%
You'll be a guest at a gay party.
That will have important consequences for you.
%
Young men want to be faithful and are not;
old men want to be faithless and cannot.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
Your boy/girl friend is *so* ugly that...
-- when you look up ugly in the dictionary, their picture's there.
-- it looks like their face caught fire and someone put it out
with an ice pick.
-- Nabisco used their face to model for animal cookies.
-- when they yelled "Rape", the guy screamed "No way!"
-- they were the birth control poster child.
-- when they were born, the doctor slapped their mother.
-- as a child, their parents tied a pork chop around her neck to
get the puppy to play with them.
-- they have to sneak up on a glass of water, just to get a drink!
%
Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree,
shake your fist at the sky, and say, "Storms suck!"
-- Johnny Carson
%
Your first husband was the one you married while firmly believing that
there are more important things in life than great sex.
%
YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
by Miss Fortune
SCORPIO (October 24 - November 21)
"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?" is your
motto. You don't do much other than sleep, eat, down brewskis, and watch TV.
Your friends and family are constantly pestering you to clean up your act.
But it's OK, Scorpio. A kick in the ass is at least one step forward.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
You've been on a diet for two weeks and all you've lost is two weeks.
My advice is to drink copious amounts of beer just to get the thought of food
out of your mind. Remember, a good reducing exercise consists of placing
both hands against the table edge and pushing back.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan 19)
Remember that day you had one beer too many and did something
extremely foolish? Now your friends are coming and going and your enemies
accumulating. Cheer up! All is not lost. It's better to be hated for
what you are than loved for what you're not.
%
Your spooning days are over,
And your pilot light is out;
When what used to be your sex appeal
Is now your water spout!
%
You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings.
%
Yuck Foo.
%
Zippity doo dah, zippity ay,
I just gave my sister's cherry away!
To a couple of truckers from Erie P.A.,
Zippity doo dah, zippity ay.
-- John Valby
%
A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top
of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.
-- Adolf Hitler
%
Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain
the last but one.
-- Adolf Hitler
%
I go the way that Providence dictates.
-- Adolf Hitler
%
I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether
it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether
he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right
that matters, but victory.
-- Adolf Hitler
%
If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I
just couldn't help myself.
-- Adolf Hitler
%
Imagine me going around with a pot belly.
It would mean political ruin.
-- Adolf Hitler
%
Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.
-- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
%
Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.
-- Adolf Hitler
%
The broad mass of a nation... will more easily
fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.
-- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
%
The very first essential for success is a perpetually
constant and regular employment of violence.
-- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
%
There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty,
Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the
Fatherland.
-- Adolf Hitler
%
What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
-- Adolf Hitler
%
Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine
stuff....
-- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg trial
testimony, 1947
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